HaPPy FiRsT BiRthDaY SpRouT!!!

We are FINALLY at our 12 month mark that NO RELATIVE can step up and take him from us.  The agency worker came to pick him up for his birthday/Christmas visit with his mother.  She was given 2 hours for his birthday visit and 1 hour for Christmas.  The agency worker told me how it went when he brought Sprout home.  He said that when he got to her house she was all dressed up with a smash cake for him but no one else was there.  Her mother (bio grandma) couldn't take off work so she couldn't pick up Sprout's aunts for the party.  The worker was very symPATHETIC when he was telling he how bad he felt that she was all dressed up...alone.  He said that he video'd and took pictures of Sprout and his mom playing together.  She also gave him a $5 bill to give to me to buy him something because "I'd know what he wanted".  It kind of bothers me that the worker wasn't more aggressive in telling her that she had plenty of time to plan for not only a party...but a gift.  I missed seeing him for his birthday and not only that, he napped at her house AND when he got home.  I was concerned that she might be putting something in his bottle to make him sleep because he's been sleeping for 12 hours all night then going to a visit and sleeping for an hour or so.  There's no way to tell and I know I'd sound like a psycho if I told the worker my suspicions.  We really only saw Sprout for a few hours on his birthday but we were able to celebrate that night.  His well baby visit is tomorrow so will update his stats then.  He is doing well with Peanut.  He LOVES to kiss him :)  Our next court date is January.  I'm hoping that the judge sees how bio mom has progressed and gives her another 3 months till our next court date.  I think she'll give up then.  There's no way to tell WHAT she's thinking.  If he gives her overnights in January I think he'll be traumatized.  I know that God has a plan for Sprout.  I just wish he'd let ME in on it :)  More soon...

Yesterday I waited for the agency worker to call and confirm Sprouts visit.  A few minutes after 9am the phone rang.  The agency worker was on the other end saying that maternal grandma couldn't find bio mom.  So, there was NO VISIT.  Can I tell you about the relief that flooded my WHOLE body?  I know that it is SO wrong to have that mind set when you're a foster parent but I will admit.  We are overly, unhealthily (is that a word?)  attached!!!  I can't imagine losing this boy to his mother because I DO NOT think she can parent him 24/7.  Her lack of proper communication with the case worker confirmed it.  My sweet boy turns a year old tomorrow...makes my heart happy he's still here!! More tomorrow :)

Was up most of last night wondering if Sprout will be going home. I know that I am only a foster parent but this boy has grown in our hearts.  The thought of him leaving us breaks me but I am trying so hard to focus on the fact that I am called to love him while he's here.  December 2010 through April 2011 his bio mom came to visits religiously.  Then, late April through November she made about 40 % of the visits but no doctor's appointments.  In November at court the judge really laid it on her saying that if she didn't get her act together she'd be losing another child to the system.  She has made every visit since November 4th.  She enrolled in the classes she had to and is looking into getting her GED.  My fear is that they will send him home on her visiting alone and I know that she is unable to parent him due to her lack of cognitive ability.  I'm sure he endures his visit knowing that I will be there to pick him up after but the thought of him having to spend the night with her waiting for me....breaking my heart :/  Our next court date is in January.  To say the least...I am FREAKING OUT!  :*( 

Peanut is really settling in.  He is feeding better and as of Monday morning (after 6 days here) he gained 9 ounces.  He sleeps well but  I am waking him up for feeds during the day.  The nurses at the peds office were so happy to see him and they said that he already looks healthier.  His cry is stronger.  The agency worker said that bio dad went to court and  Peanut will be here for a while.  CP$ is doing an extensive criminal investigation.  We go back to the dr for x-rays next week.  Peanuts lawyer is coming next week to visit him at the house.  They are working on figuring out what happened, when and who did it.  I'm sure that over time, this will all come out. 

These last few days with my new little Peanut have left me in a state of shock.  I feel myself just going through the motions of meeting his needs and not really thinking about what happened to him or how someone could hurt a baby so tiny and helpless.  When I do drift off  I kinda break down a bit.  I find myself thinking about the ways that someone could have possibly hurt him enough to fracture his ribs...did they step on him?  Squeeze him too hard?  Sit on him?  Or reasons he has scars under his chin?  Dad mentioned to me to be careful of his zippers because he 'got his chin' and there was a nice gash under there to prove it.  When I got home and looked him over...there are SCARS on his chin.  Someone 'zipped' him more than once.  Sweet little Peanut has a hard time feeding and when you put a bottle near or in his mouth he freaks out.  It takes a while for him to latch onto the bottle.  There is also a blister under his tongue where the people from Chi7d Pr0TecTiV3 s3rvices believe that someone jabbed his bottle into his mouth.  The skeletal scan showed that he has healing AND new injuries.  Peanut is a 31 week preemie.  He spent the first month of his life in the hospital growing.  He has only been out of the hospital for about 6 weeks.  I'm sure they have been a very painful 6 weeks for him. 

I just wanted to document my last few days: 

Tuesday: Picked up peanut from the hospital before noon.
I realized he had a hard time latching on to the bottle.  Peanut does not root.  I found the blister under his tongue and called his pediatrician to make an appointment. 
Peanut went to bed around 11:30pm and slept through til 6 am. 

Wednesday: Woke up with Peanut about 6am and immediately called the pediatric ward at the hospital he was discharged from.  I asked if they had seen any feeding issues and they said yes.  They also filled me in on some other things they saw.  Peds office called back for a 10:30am appointment.  I met the agency worker (whom I LOVE!!!) bio dad and grandma (who dad lives with).  I asked the ped MANY questions about sickness vs. abuse and it's clear that baby has been abused. 
Walking through T@rget after the appointment  my phone rang.  It was the agency worker telling me that I was to go to the emergency room IMMEDIATELY with Peanut. The pediatric opthomologist wanted to check for retinal hemorrhage consistent with Shaken Baby Syndrome.  To make a very long story (and an even longer DAY) shorter...it turns out that the dr saw nothing wrong with Peanuts eyes.  Thank you Jesus!! This baby is a fighter.  His 9lb body has endured so much pain but he is here and he is ok.  Our goal is to help him heal his little brain.  Hoping he can learn to trust.  Went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 3 for 4 oz of formula.


Thursday:  Woke up at 6:30am with first dirty diaper.  Full day with Peanut.  Latching better to bottle.  A bit fussy before and during feeding but at least he's eating.  Slept well during the day.  Bed at 11:30pm.  Woke up at 4:30am for about 3.5 oz.  Woke up again at 8am for the day. 

On my way home from dropping Sprout off at a visit with his  bio...my phone rang.
The on call worker asking if I'd take a baby boy that was pretty bruised up.  She had NO details.  I said yes. 

Met her at the hospital about 45 minutes later.  Met baby boy. 4 months old.  VERY TINY!
He's a bit fragile (details here) and a bit fussy but he'll be safe here.  Not sure how long.  Still don't have much info.  It's only been a few hours so as I get to know him better I'm sure I'll have more to share.  Please pray for his tiny body.  Pray that his little mind can heal from whatever he's endured.  More soon...

I guess not all babies come from W@Lm@rt.  Got a new baby from the hospital today. 
More later...

I've been posting a bit on the other blog...

Guess who's 11 months old!?!?! 

My boy is growing SO fast!  I can't believe he's already 11 months old!  This precious time has gone SO fast!  It seems like it was only yesterday that I was on my way to the hospital to hold him for the very first time.  He is such a smart boy.  He is learning new things everyday...

*He has taken many steps but is still crawling from one  place to another.
*Sprout can drink from a straw!
*He knows 'how to do' songs like "If You're Happy and You Know it".
*If you ask him what does the puppy say?  He says 'arf' in a high pitched voice.
* Knows how to roar like a dinosaur.
*Size 3 diapers still
*lots of table foods...loves everything!
*still not sleeping through the night
*working on having the paci ONLY at night and nap time.
*Loves to snuggle :)
* size 12-18 month shirts
* size 6-12 and 12-18 month pants

We are SO happy he is still here!!! Praying to have the opportunity to paint the nursery BLUE.  Believe in faith with us!! xox

Called the director of foster care in New Baby boy's county.  She was wonderful in explaining that we have been topic of conversation around there but they feel that placing the baby with us (out of state) while they are working a very 'aggressive' reunification would not benefit anyone.  It is a 6.5 hour drive from here to there...  I was able to tell her a little bit about us and explain who we were an our connection to this baby.  She said their court is set up different but she WILL tell the judge that there is family interested in this boy.  If, for some reason, bio dad discontinues working his case plan...they can make a decision to move him to us.  I will continue to pray for this baby boy because I really feel that God is saying 'not now'...not 'no'.  I know that they can still call us a few months from now but the laws are a bit different in that state.  Foster parents can appeal a foster child being moved after only 6 months (our state is 12).  Waiting to see what God does in this baby boy's life...

Found New Baby boy's caseworker on Fac3b00k and so desperately want to contact her.  But I will exercise some self control and WILL NOT.  I really wish she had all of our info before she makes a final decision.  I will call again on Monday (tomorrow) and hope she calls  me back.  Aside from a letter of intent to foster and knowing we are currently certified she does not have any other info about us.  Not sure what is going on behind the scenes but I know that God has been in the details.  If prayer is the only reason that God made us aware of this baby boy, then I can honestly say that we have done our job.  His will in His time...

We only have a 3 day week...not sure if I'm going to hear anything about New Baby boy.  Since he is about a 6 hour drive from us, we have not yet even met him.  We are praying for his release to us and trusting God that this whole journey will be expedited!  I just want him in my arms.  This time last year I was waiting (not so patiently) for Sprout to be born or to hear any word on him.  I am obviously not new to this waiting thing but you'd think I'd at least be good at it by now...not so much :( 

Still no more info on New Baby boy.  We have info from a 3rd party but that can't be shared...yet.  It's truly frustrating having to wait but there's nothing I can do.  I have been praying for favor with the caseworker and that her heart will be softened to the thought of us and placing the baby out of state.  It sounds like this may be an adoption situation much faster than even Sprout's.  Only God knows what will happen.  While we wait we are preparing our home to welcome him.   Purging and making room for cribs and dressers.  Please pray with us for 'RELEASE'.  Thanks so much.  I can't wait to share him with you  :)

Spoke to the New baby boy's county worker today.  She informed me that she received the paperwork that I sent LAST week CERTIFIED MAIL so that I could track it to make sure it got to her today.  Whatever.  I know it was there as of LAST WEDNESDAY!!!  She also informed me that there is someone else that's interested in New baby boy (as if he's a puppy).  I asked her if there was anything more that she needed from me and she said she'll call when she does...  Kind of left me standing in the dust but aside from prayer...there's nothing  I can do.  EVERY time I pray for him I get the word RELEASE.  I have been praying that someone at the county has a soft heart toward this baby boy and sees that we are  the best fit for him.   Praying that he is RELEASED to us as soon as possible.  I really wanted him home for Thanksgiving.   I also feel that we need to release him to God (which we have) and be patient.  I wanted to ask who the other person was that wanted him but I held my tongue.  I have been in prayer all day CLAIMING my boy!

I spoke to New baby boy's caseworker last Thursday and requested the proper paperwork to show we wanted custody.  She told me that she'd send it out Monday morning.  Imagine my surprise to find the paperwork in my HAND Monday afternoon.  She did mail it out on Friday and I immediately sent out our letter for custody and mailed it back certified mail yesterday afternoon.  It should be to her by tomorrow :)

My MIL and I were talking last night about how God has been in the details throughout this whole situation.  I wanted to make a timeline so when this New baby boy is here he can see how God orchestrated him coming to live with us.  More soon...

Trying to purge and make room for new baby.  Paperwork should be here this week.  My agency supervisor said since we're certified...it should be a breeze to get through the 'red tape'.  Even though he's in another state we're hoping to expedite this whole process.  I really want him home as soon as possible.  I'm trying to keep balanced and stay focused on what God wants.  My flesh is just really excited at the prospect that this dream I've had for quite some time now has the chance to come to fruition and I just am breathless at the thought that I could be holding my TWO boys soon.  Mind blowing... 

Sprout has a visit with bio dad tomorrow.  Now that I've met him I think I'm ok with him visiting for a little while (not that I'd have a choice).  We are in the process of changing up some things in the house to make room for the new baby.  The boys will share a room and I am getting giddy just thinking about decorating a room for BOYS!!  Praying for whoever is taking care of this new sweet baby boy (who needs a blog name...hmmm, Sprout and.... New baby boy!!)  Whoever is taking care of New Baby boy has been getting a ton of my prayers.  If this works out I PRAY that they haven't been waiting for a LONG time (like we waited for Sprout) only to be told that he is leaving to go with family.  I'm hoping they are praying for a family for him as much as we are praying for his future with us.  Knowing FULL WELL that God has been in the details I am STILL praying HIS WILL be done in this situation.  PLEASE keep New Baby boy in your prayers!!!


:) A few weeks ago there was a HUGE consignment sale and I sold some stuff to make a bit more space in the playroom.  When the sale was over there was quite alot left so the director told me to grab what I wanted because she only had limited space to get it all hauled away.  I grabbed an infant seat that was like NEW,  a pair of ice skates, some sneakers for Sprout and a Baby Ei*n$tein infant activity mat. I actually grabbed it 'just in case'.  With foster care you never know when that call could come in.  And since I;d sold my other 2 infant car seats with my double stroller (as a twin set) I grabbed the extra, again, 'just in case'.

 Fast forward to today...I was out with one of my kiddos earlier and I was asked if I got the baby activity mat because I knew we were getting New Baby boy.  I explained to her how God knew what would happen and He knows what the future holds for New Baby boy.  Trusting Him to reveal His plan for our family and close the door if it's NOT His will! 

Court went well.  It really doesn't change anything except that Sprout will meet bio dad this week while he is here on his 'field trip' from prison (5 hours away).  He asked to speak with us before court and explained that he wasn't ready to surrender his rights.  We totally understand and told him there was no rush.  He truly thinks that he can give his son a life after he is released.  I am only a foster parent and not really allowed to have an opinion.  He was a nice guy and thanked us for loving and taking care of his son.  His mother told him how happy Sprout is and he is thankful for that.  Judge really drilled into bio mom and told her she has 90 days before we talk about changing the goal from reunification to concurrent planning.  Not sure what will happen.  I know that Sprout is in God's hands and I trust that He will do the best for Sprout.  More soon...

Can't begin to tell you about how amazing God is.  If you've been reading this blog for any length of time...you KNOW He is FAITHFUL!!! Having Sprout in our home is proof of that!  Knowing full well how involved God can be involved in details we are in the middle of POSSIBLE bringing ANOTHER baby BOY into our home.  More details on the OTHER  blog  :) 

***Please ONLY ask for an invite if you have your OWN current blog.  Due to the blog being a bit more open with details I am VERY careful about who I invite.  Please give me your name, state and blog address.  I'd also love to hear about why you're fostering and for how long.*** 

I looked over at Sprout's sneakers and once again realized how FAITHFUL God is!!!  I am still in awe of how flawlessly God has weaved my boy into our family!!
We are only about a week from our court date and I am really anxious to hear what the judge has to say.  Not bad anxious, but like I really wanna paint the nursery BLUE anxious!!! :) 
More soon! 

Updated the PRIVATE BLOG as well.  Enjoy! :)

P.S.- Guess who has 2 new teeth popping through!?!?! 
No, not me silly!!!  :)

It's been almost a month since my last post and lots have happened. 

Sprout is now 9 months old (late) and pulling to stand and standing for a few seconds. 
He is still in size 3 diaper and on all fruits and veggies. 
He is also having some table foods too. 
He LOVES to 'sing' and wave 'hi'. 
He is not happy when he is alone (but who is?). 
He can use the walker (push toy) and roam around the house. 

We are closer to our next court date and I am a bit nervous thinking bio dad will be asking for visitation.  Itty Bitty went home and aside from dropping off something she left here, I haven't heard from her family. Last week I was called for a 7 yr old girl and her 2 yr old TWIN sisters. I said no :(  Today,  I was called today for a sibling group of 3 (5, 4 and 1) and said no :(  I am hoping for another placement of a baby boy (or a baby Sprouts age) since it doesn't seem like bio mom is pregnant.  Our county has decided that working with the agency is not cost effective enough and they are splitting.  This has caused a TON of stress for everyone who was initially certified through the county (like we were).  If Sprout had been here longer than a year I'd have the right to hire my own lawyer...but I don't.   So we have to make a decision on whether we'll foster through the county again (I don't WANT to) or stay with the agency.  There are pros and cons to each.  The county can be spiteful and take Sprout if I stay with the agency.  If I stay with the agency I will most likely not get the age group I am looking to foster.  The county offers NO support.  No forums or willing ears.  But staying with the county I have a better chance  of keeping Sprout.  Decisions...  I will stay with whoever can guarantee I will not lose Sprout to another foster family...  More soon.

Nothing new to report with Sprout's case.  His bio mom has been more consistent with visits but I am not worried about what will happen in court because the agency worker has told he that she doesn't retain what she is told.  He can tell there is no true bond with her and he said that Sprout is very quiet at her home.  That is NOT 'MY' boy.  He is so amazing.  He 'sings' and stands for a few seconds at a time.  He LOVES to cuddle with me and LOVES his {foster} 'daddy'.  Our family has embraced him as our own and we can't wait until it's official.  I am aware that we are not even supposed to be talking about adoption at this point but I am confident that's the way we are heading.  We are SO blessed to be able to celebrate all his 'firsts' with him and there is not a moment with him that I take for granted.  I look at him and pray that THIS is the boy we've waiting for   :*) 

My sweet Sprout is 8 months old!!! He's growing So fast but I am enjoying EVERY minute!!! Now he can...

*pull himself up
*still army crawl
*drink from a sippy cup
*sit up
*wear size 3 diapers
*{sometimes} sleep through the night
*remember singing "Head, shoulders, Knees & Toes"
*Eat 3 meals a day (b-fast- fruit & cereal, lunch- veggie & fruit, dinner- veggie/dinner & fruit)
*Say 'da, da, da"
*blow raspberries :)

He LOVES to be on the floor playing with whatever and whoever will play with him.  He still loves being cuddled at night and I don't mind ONE bit!!! :)

Our time with Itty Bitty seems so short since she's with her parents most of the time.  This is the good part of foster care.  They put her in care voluntarily and they are learning how to take care of her medical needs.  She is a healthy f@ilure t0 thrive baby (if you've ever heard such a thing).  She is not a drug baby (as some have asked) she just has no sucking reflex.  They will work with the dr's getting speech therapy for her and hopefully by the time she's ready for solids...she'll be taking them by mouth.  Sprout is unaffected by Itty Bitty being here.  He is a happy, healthy boy and SO determined to 'hang with the big kids'.  He is pulling himself up on ANYTHING he can and just growing WAY too fast!!! 8 month update coming later today...  :)

New baby girl is Itty Bitty.  She is a Failure to thrive baby.  This is my first experience handling a medically fragile baby.  She has a feeding tube that was placed 3 weeks ago and is now gaining weight.  Originally placed in care VOLUNTARILY when she as just DAYS old...her original foster mom should have been made aware that this baby was going home.  Itty Bitty was with her until bios secured housing and bio mom appropriately recovered from medical issues resulting for the c-section.  Itty Bitty was returned to bios then voluntarily placed BACK in care due to her lack of weight gain.  Itty Bitty takes NOTHING by mouth.  She has NO suck reflex and gags when a bottle is placed in her mouth.  She lost a significant amout of weight to warrant her feeding tube but it seems that foster mom was developing an unhealthy attachment with Itty Bitty and she tried to sabotage the bios.  She sent the baby to visits with the bios with out certain ESSENTIAL medical supplies and with a CLOGGED feeding tube.  The Dr I saw earlier said that she remembered foster mom saying that only SHE could properly care for this baby and that the bios did not deserve her.  She also said that she could give Itty Bitty SO MUCH more than the bios.  The pediatrician remembers thinking that this foster mom is going to have a hard time giving up this baby.  Anyway, Itty Bitty is here now.  We spent Fri, Sat and Sun in the peds office fiuring things out and Sunday afternoon we were admitted to the ER and stayed till yesterday night.  She is visiting with her bio family for the next couple of days and is well on her way to being transitioned HOME.  I LOVE this part of f0ster care!!!  I have to admit taking The Screamer for respite was a bit hard when we found out that we were being admitted but I'm glad it all worked out for my family at home to help out!! The Screamer left a day early but I'm just glad to be home again.  More updates soon...     

Ok, so, Sprout was picked up for a visit this morning and instead of a 2 hour visit with bio mom, case worker returned him 30 minutes later.  He said that mom looked drowsy when he got there and he asked her why.  She said she took v1cadin for a head ache right before he came.  Well, the case worker SAW the Rx and it said ibuprofen.  Hmmm, where did she get the other stuff from!?!?  Please pray that if she IS pregnant...this baby will be safe and protected.  Baby girl will be here tonight.  I go for training this afternoon then she goes back to her bios for a few hours and back here to sleep.  I have heard that the foster parents do not yet know that she is being moved.  Not sure why it is such a secret.  I'd want to know...   Also, we have respite again this weekend (for the baby known as The Screamer) He'll be here till Tues.  Yes, you read that right...3 babies :)  Should I be scared?!??!  LoLoLoLoL 

Change of plans...

Baby girl WILL be moved here tomorrow.  Huge mix up (not on my part...will explain later).

After training for feeding tube, we will bring her home tomorrow.

Short term placement...   Pray.

The home finder called late last night to tell me that the baby will not be moved to our home because they couldn't find enough reason to move her.  I'll let you be the judge...

*Diagnosed failure to thrive
*Baby is on her way home, parents are working the case plan.
*Foster parents give the bio parents the baby and her feeding tube is clogged.
*When confronted about the clogged tube, foster dad blows a gasket and the supervisor of the agency is called.
*He gives little reason as to why the baby isn't properly taken care of.
*Bio parents complain that their daughter isn't being taken care of.
*I was told that the foster parents have complained and argued with higher ups since day one.

Baby girl spends alot of time with bios and will be going home on trial early next month.  Her special need is failure to thrive with a feeding tube.  Not sure how they could NOT move her but what do YOU think!?!?!?

I've come a long way.  I used to find myself afraid of the pain I'd be in if I lost my sweet boy.  I now find myself afraid of how I'll 'let go' when it's time for him to go to school or scrapes he'll get on the soccer field.  I got a call from the county worker and she said that paternal grandma definitely does not want to take on a baby right now AND she has been encouraging the donor bio dad to surrender his rights also.  I just can't stop smiling. 

Home finder called and asked if we'd take a special needs baby girl.  She will be here tomorrow.  More on that later....

My Dear Sweet Sprout,

        Today is a day I want to remember.  The sun was shining, the sky was as blue as your eyes and the clouds were perfectly formed white puffs in the sky.  I held you a little bit tighter and kissed your tiny little nose as you slept in my arms.  Today is the day I feel like this journey is going exactly where I want it to go.  We started out unsure of the outcome but hopeful that God was holding our hands.  Even now, I know HE is leading us.  If every day were like today, this journey would be SO much easier...but I know that life is supposed to have struggles to keep us focused on the One who holds us in His hand. Today, when your agency worker came to pick you up, he told me that your paternal grandma (your daddy's mom) decided that she has too much going on right now to take custody of you.  She met you the day you were born and was re-introduced to you 6 months later.  She has held you all of 3 times in your life.  I don't totally understand all that has been said, so I'll only explain the things I'm sure of.  I am relieved that this was her decision because you see, it means that I can keep you longer.  Your routine will stay the same and I still get to wake up to your sweet smile and your morning breath every day.  I have the chance to watch you take your first step and see the first tooth that has been the source of all this drooling.  Maybe you'll be here long enough to call me 'mama'.  I can only hope.  But for now this journey, this road we've been called (and chosen) to walk, has gotten a bit easier.  I love you, my sweet boy and we hope and pray that we get to call you ours forever.  xox

I suffer from insomnia.  There are MANY nights I lay awake in my bed and try to shut down by brain enough to help me fall asleep.  Before Sprout came to us,  I used to try to think 'happy thoughts' so maybe I could just float away into dream land.  Every night before bed I would think about a tiny boy, all swaddled up, handed to me to love forever.  He's here now :)

The agency worker told me last week that he had to contact paternal g-ma for a visit this month.  I thought SHE had to contact HIM. It was kind of hard to hide my disappointment.  I figured if she didn't call yet that maybe she was backing down.  When the worker came to transport Sprout yesterday  he explained that the reason he is contacting paternal grandma is because he told her he would.  But he also said that he and the county worker will be confronting her on why her paperwork has not been submitted yet and to see if she truly does want to raise Sprout.  They will explain to her that there is no pressure and she doesn't HAVE TO take custody.  If she does back down, they will then approach bio donor (in prison) and talk about surrendering his rights.  Their feeling is that there is no reason to prolong the inevitable.  Bio mom has not made one full week of visits since April.  Things do not look well for her.  We're still caught in the in-between.  I still haven't painted the nursery walls.  While I trust that I serve a HUGE God...my faith just isn't there...yet! :)

Is it horrible for me to be counting down till December?!?!  I know I am a foster parent FIRST!!! But I cannot begin to tell you how much I LOVE this boy.  I desperately want him to be a part of our forever family.  He captures the hearts of everyone who meets him and when they hear his story...I know they walk away and say a silent prayer that he's found his home.  Today is August 1st.  I have had this sweet boy for 7 months and 12 days.  Our state has a bonding law.  If the child is in your home for 12 months you have just as much 'right' to him as any relative.  Well, we only have 5 months left. 

Sprout is 7 months old.  How quick time is going...  What a smart, strong, sweet boy I have.  I am truly blessed.  He is so amazing.  He is learning new things every day.  He can now:

* sing.  He LOVES to make noise!
* army crawl.  He pulls himself along with his arms.
* take his socks off.  He does NOT like his feet to be covered!!
* wearing size 3 diaper.
* still in 6-12 mo clothes.
* taking a pacifier.  Especially at night.
* taking the bottle. About 6 ounces every 4 hours
* eating baby food and cereal.  We've tried all stage 1 and 2                 fruits and veggies.  He LOVES them!
* loves puffs and will literally 'sing' for his food!
* still LOVES to jump in the jumper00 :)
* LOVES the pool or any type of water!!
* not sleeping through the night.
* LOVES nursery rhymes and songs
* loves to clap hands. but cannot do it on his own yet
* has the best smile :)

With every month that gets closer to our 12 month mark...I get more and more anxious.  My sweet baby boy turned 7 months old.  I did not forget to document it.  For some reason I am scared.  Scared that he could be with his paternal g-ma for next months update.  Scared that I could lose him.  To be honest, there IS a very small part of me that is completely at peace in knowing Sprout is OURS.  I just wish that small part would take over all the big parts :(  No new updates on the paternal g-ma. As far as I know, she has not filed her paperwork yet.  Many thoughts have run thru my head.  At court, hubby heard them say that she is getting a lawyer.  Then the craziness began in my head. 

But then I hear that strong, still voice saying...

"Trust me.  I've GOT this. This is NOT your battle to fight.  Leave it to me. I will carry you through." 

And then, I'm ok.  Just like that. 

Not to say there is no fear.  I'm human.  But I hold tight to the fact that these words are coming from His mouth and I'm at peace again. 

I trust Him.  If I've learned anything from this 6 year journey...I trust Him. 

Well, we FINALLY had our day in court :)  It began with a quick chat with the county worker when I pulled into the parking lot.  She informed me that bio mom has said that she has no problem with paternal g-ma adopting Sprout..um, WHAT!?!?!?!  Then she proceeded to tell me that my Lil Meatball might be coming into care but his aunt has been cleared to take him.  I was just so flustered that I had to get inside and SIT.  So, I get into the waiting room and I had to pick my poison.  Sit with paternal gma or bio mom.  I chose bio mom.  At least I'd get a laugh from the trash she talks...and I did.  She had some words on her shirt that were pretty offensive (which the judge later yelled at her for) and she she went on about how well Sprout is doing at the visit with her.  How he smiled at her (yes, moron, he's been smiling since JANUARY!!!).  She also told me how she 'read with him all the time when he was with her'.  Ok, chica.  Can we say delusional!?!?!?  He was with her for 4 DAYS in the hospital!!!!  She is a crazy one.  I told you I'd get a laugh from her.  Anyway, we got on the subject of kids and her 2 year olds adoption.  She went on to ask me if I'd adopt Sprout if I got the chance.  Again, I danced around the question because I was totally afraid of saying the wrong thing and she came right out and asked IF HE BECAME AVAILABLE FOR AD0PTI0N, WOULD WE AD0PT HIM so she knew he was in a good home?!?!  Well, when you put it that way, yes, I would.  And I told her so.  We were finally called into the court room and 'the donor' was present again.  

The highlights were as follows:

*county lawyer asked for an increase in visitation
*bio mom's lawyer called her missing visits since May 'a hiccup in visitation'
*Sprouts lawyer was offended at the 'hiccup' terminology because 'there should be NO REASON a mother is kept from her son'.
*'The donor' did NOT ask for visitation for Sprout because he felt that Sprout is too young to be subjected to the 5 hour drive and shouldn't see his 'donor' in jail.
*Sprout's lawyer asked to reconvene in 90 days instead of 60 days because this is bio mom's 3rd child she's represented and this shouldn't be prolonged. 

The judge agreed with Sprouts lawyer so we'll be back doing this (court) again in 3 months.  I am wondering why 'the donor' didn't ask to see the son he so desperately is claiming is his.  I wonder if paternal gma's doubts are settling in with him.  Or maybe (just maybe) he is a decent guy and really DOES want to spare his son from the stress of travel.  After court I met with the county worker again and she said I was 'cute' when I spoke about Sprout in court.  Not sure what that means.  She also said that she thinks bio mom will give up with visits and that in 3 months we'll be looking at either the beginning of TPR or a surrender.  She also said that paternal gma is the 'wild card ' right now.  Not sure what will happen there.  Hmm, too much to ponder.  Right now, I'm gonna just trust God that HE has this WHOLE situation in the palm of His hand.  I am also wondering if paternal gma risks losing the granddaughter she has custody of if her house does not clear certification (due to structural damage).  Much to think about.  I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts on the info given.  What do YOU think will happen?!?!

I was kinda stressed about court yesterday.  I was also thankful that hubby was off and able to go with me.  Not sure he realizes how much of a calming effect he has on me. Anyway, as we were going through the metal detectors I glimpsed to my left and saw Felix.  A big 3 1/2 year old boy playing trains on the other side of a glass door.  I just stood and stared for a minute.  It's amazing how all of a sudden he is popping up everywhere.  It was just a blessing to see him.  I continued on to the waiting room and met up with Sprouts agency and county workers.  Because I knew that 'the donor' was there I didn't want to be anywhere he could see us so I went to the other side of the waiting room.  Imagine my surprise when there he was...my sweet Felix.  I didn't realize that the room I saw him playing in was the OTHER side of the waiting room.  I love how God has a way of making me smile even on the most stressful days :) :)

About court.  Well, I think it's all a crock.  They brought bio dad (which makes him sound like some super hero...so for here on out we'll call him donor!) from a prison 5 hours away.  We were in the court room all of 15 minutes till we were adjourned AGAIN till next week.  Apparently, the PUBLIC defender didn't realize he has previously defended bio mom (duh) so there was a conflict of interest and we got adjourned (did I mention it was for the SECOND TIME!?!?!?)  Anyway, paternal gma was there and asked me if I thought the donor looked like Sprout.  I said nope.  She started on a rant that (and I quote)

'that is why I was pushing for the DNA test to be done.  I think it would be horrible to move the baby from where he is striving (she meant THRIVING) and is so adjusted if we're not even sure it's the donor's son my grandson.  I would be taking in some stranger's baby and 'make him my grandson'.  What happens if there is a medical crisis 10 years down the road and we can't help him out!?!?  But I guess this is something you do out of obligation.   

Seriously!?!?!? 

Seriously!!!!!

Did I mention that the agency worker was standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!?!?!?  She had verb@l diarrhe@ and it just kept coming out.  Which ABSOLUTE KILLS me because 30 minutes earlier in the waiting room she was asking (in front of the county worker) what size clothes and what size diaper Sprout was in.  She also asked if she could buy him some stuff and send it home with me.  Can't begin to tell you how frustrated I was but I'm sure you can tell it by the 'tone' I'm typing in :)  And the best part is...we get to do it ALL AGAIN...next week :/  I'm too unhappy to post about the good and crazy things that happened today.  That'll have to wait till tomorrow!!!

Sorry for not being more diligent in keeping up here.  We took a WELL DESERVED family vacation (and brought Sprout with us!)  I'll update you here and for those who can access THIS...you can SEE what we've been doing :)

Paternal g-ma had another visit this week.  She has not yet filed papers to get Sprout.  While I am anxious to see how this will play out...I am at peace.  I truly feel that God is calling me to another WHOLE LEVEL of trusting HIM.  We go back to court this week and bio dad will be there.  Should be interesting.  Sprout had a wonderful time on vacation with us.  Meeting new people and seeing the ocean for the first time.  He has been eating solids (baby fruits, veggies and rice) for 2 weeks now.  He is also trying to crawl.  He is such a happy boy.  More soon... 

Court was interesting.  There will be more details here but to give you the run down...

I got there just as the agency and county workers were getting there. They said I looked tense.  (I was)  ...(duh)  Bio mom and grandma were there and asked where Sprout was.  I explained I was told NOT to bring him.  They were a bit disappointed.  We were all called in and they put bio dad on speaker phone.  The judge explained that bio dad was entitled to a lawyer and he said that yes, he wanted a lawyer so court was adjourned for another few weeks.  Again, more details over here :)  

Random thoughts...

The Screamer is on his way home.  The county worker picked him up this morning. 

Sprout has court today.  A few weeks ago I was told to bring Sprout.  2 days ago I was told to leave him home. 

Paternal gma will be there.  Bio mom will be there. 

I am kinda nervous. 

I know that it's only a permanency hearing. 

The judge will most likely keep Sprout in care for another 6 months. 

But still.  I'm nervous. 

I am trusting God for His best for my sweet baby boy. 

Sprout had his 6 month well baby visit yesterday.  Earlier that morning he was supposed to have a visit with his bio mom as well.  She never called to confirm so the visit didn't take place.  I was on my way to the dr appointment wondering if she'd show for the appointment.  I got there a bit early and they took us right back in.  I spoke to the nurse about Sprout for a minute or two...then the agency worker knocked on the door.  After a few minutes of catching up, he told me that Sprout's brother's case worker saw bio mom with some other people hanging out (literally...she had her shirt tucked into her bra) and there was most definitely a baby bump.  Ahhh, well, job security.  Gotta keep us foster parents working somehow...  Anyway...  I updated Sprout's 6 month check up in the post below and I'll be updating the other blog later today with some really RAW thoughts and maybe some pics of The Screamer and Sprout!

Guess who's going to be a BIG BROTHER!?!?!?!  :)

SPROUT is 6 MONTHS OLD!!!
Where has the time gone?!?! A whole 1/2 year!!!  My sweet boy is growing so fast and I'm SO thankful that he is healthy!!!

He is now:
*  trying to crawl (as of 6/22)
*  eating baby food (sweet potatoes for the 1st time yesterday and apples today)  
*  in size 2 diaper
*  in 6-12 month clothes
*  still taking a pacifier 
*  sometimes sleeping through the night (usually gets up once)
*  LOVES having a buddy here while were doing respite
*  reflux seems to be getting better :)
*  a whopping 16 pounds 6 ounces and is now 25 inches!!!
*  he LOVES his feet and will drop WHATEVER he has when he sees them.
*  holding his own bottle (sometimes uses his feet too)
* is going to be  a BIG brother!!!

The Screamer did MUCH better last night :)  Thanks for asking!  I tried a few different tricks.  I let him play for quite a while before bed.  He was rolling on the floor with Sprout and talking up a storm...it was SO cute!  I fed him his cereal and bottle then let him play some more.  He DID NOT go to bed at 7:30pm like the foster mom said he would but hey...that's the deal when you put your kid in respite..right?!  Whatever works!  Then when I put him down for bed I had a white noise machine that I turned on.  He went down at 10pm and slept till 4am.  Had a diaper change and a bottle then slept again till 8am.  Ahhhh.  Sweet sleep!!! He is also very constipated.  What I thought was him screaming to be held I now think is him crying out in pain. It's only been a few days and we're still figuring each other out.  I'm sure we'll have things running perfect in time for him to leave :/ 

Beck, In our county you are allowed as many kids as your home has room for.  I know his foster mom has adopted 5 children (all ages 10 and under) and is fostering The Screamer and another boy about 18 months old.  Not sure what the rules are but The Screamer is a relative of hers so maybe since she is already certified she asked if she could foster him as a relative placement?!?!  Hope that helps!!

We have another baby here for respite.  I'd love to call him Screamer...but that would be not far off but WRONG.   His foster mom tried to pull one over on me.  She told the home finder he'd be here 6 days, she told me 7 days then she called this morning to 'check on him' and asked if I'd keep him an extra 3 days.  I called the home finder and told her it would be ok and she said she knew NOTHING about him staying that long.  Hmmm.  Anyway.  He did NOT sleep last not...AT ALL!!! The home finder mentioned that the foster mom said he 'was the fussiest baby she'd ever dealt with'.  Nice to know...AFTER I take him.  The home finder asked how things were going with him and I didn't feel right to give her an answer after less than 24 hours with him.  He definitely likes to be engaged and held and always part of the action.  His foster mom (who happens to be his great aunt) also has 6 other kids in the house. The home finder wants to make sure she is not in over her head.  (Um, she might be!)  So, about Sprout's visit.  He was supposed to have a 2 hour visit today.  She told the agency worker that she 'misunderstood' and made plans for today.  She thought that she had an hour today and 3 hours on Friday.  She also told the agency worker that she had friends coming over so she couldn't do the second hour today.  Not only did she choose her friends over her son but when he was fussing after the first hour was over she put him in his car seat and sent him home hungry even though he was due for a bottle.  Glad the agency worker realized this.  Sprout came home starving!  She is making very bad decisions.  The county worker thinks she's pregnant again...I kinda do too.  She denied that she was pregnant with Sprout till 3 months before he was born.  Can't wait to see how this one plays out.  I already prayed (months ago) that it would be a boy...so Sprout could have a brother that lives with him  :)

After seeing (a now 3 1/2 year old) Felix while we were out, I sent his grandma a message thru *FQC3b00k. 

We saw Felix while we were out for ice cream today. It kinda took my breath away. He was with his mom and sister. He was running around, smiling, laughing and playing so sweet with his sister.   My heart was SO happy to just see him in pictures but to actually SEE him in person...breath taking. I am so glad things worked out for his mom. She looks wonderful and healthy. My husband said that when he last saw her Felix was only 2 weeks old. She was high on something. He was SO amazed to see what a change she has made. I ALMOST introduced myself...but lost the nerve. Thanks for keeping me updated these past couple of years. Doesn't always happen that way but it's so nice to see happy endings in foster care. xoxoxo

 

She answered me like this...

 

I'm so glad you were able to see him up close and  I understand your hesitation of introducing yourself but PLEASE know if you run into them again I have told his mom that I keep you updated with photos and how lucky we were that your family took him into your home and hearts. She would be very pleased to meet you again and reintroduce you to Felix...From the bottom of our hearts we were blessed by your family and will be forever grateful.

 

No words.  Just tears :*)

Had the visit with paternal g-ma.  It was an hour.  After I dropped Sprout off the case worker called to see if I was ok and ask if I wanted Sprout dropped off to me instead of having to go back and pick him up.  He thought it might be easier on me...  yeah right :/  Anyway, agency worker said that she does want custody.  Court is in 2 weeks.  I have been continually surrendering Sprout over to God.  I know that this is out of my control.  Not sure what will happen but I'm positive that as long as I trust God's plan I'll be ok.  While we wait to hear what's happening I got a call for respite.  I'll be taking another 6 month old next week for a few days.  ANNNNNDDD ANNNNDD  I saw Felix.  My family and I went out for ice cream and I was SHOCKED to see him there.  His bio mom has NO clue who I am because she was high when we had him.  She is doing well now and she's clean and sober.  It was SO wonderful to hear him laughing and see him playing.  His smile is gorgeous and he is just such a happy kid.  He'll never know how much we loved him.   

Bio mom didn't call for a visit today.  But paternal grandma wants to meet my Sprout.  Please pray.  This is exactly how things went when Felix left us.  He was gone 10 days later         :( 

Bio mom didn't call again.  No visit today.  It was supposed to be 2 hours UNsupervised....go figure.  Things are going down hill FAST.  I'm thankful that this sweet baby doesn't know what's going on.  My little Meatball is still here.  He maybe leaving tomorrow or early next week.  What a sweet boy he is!!! I am enjoying EVERY minute with my virtual 'twins'!!! It's so funny to hear people's comments.  one lady asked my youngest..."Is that your baby brother???"  My youngest looked at her and just kinda stared and said "I don't know" then looked at me as if to say "what do I tell her!?!?!".  LoL!! The boys are definitely enjoying each other's company.  They LOVE to watch each other!  I'm sure Sprout will miss little Meatball's company. 

Due to her past experiences with D*S*S Sprout's bio mom has to call to confirm her visit before 9am every day she has a visit.  Up until 2 weeks ago she has called RELIGIOUSLY.  She never missed ONE visit.  Well, she hasn't seen her son AT ALL this week.  With all due respect, Monday WAS a holiday.   But what about the OTHER 2 days this week!?!?!?  NOTHING!!! They sure were right when they told me she does great until she doesn't.  About her being pregnant...like I stated previously, the agency worker confronted her about bring pregnant and she denied it.  He said that from her reaction he thinks she was telling the truth.  Sprout's brother's foster (adoptive) mom said that she denied being pregnant with SPROUT until 3 months before she delivered!!!  Just sayin'  :) 

New baby is still here.  He was only supposed to be here for 24 hours.  Bwahhahaha :)  I'm LOVING every minute with my 'twins'!  they are SO much fun!  We will refer to him as Meatball.  You can only guess why!!! He's HUGE!!! And absolutely ADORABLE!!! 
More soon...

Got a call today! Never a dull moment in this house :)  Almost 4 month old baby boy.  Not sure how long.  It's suppposed to be respite through preventive*services.  We'll see.  What a sweet boy!  More soon...

Agency worker called this morning to let me know that today's visit was cancelled.  Most people would let it go at that and just do the happy dance when they hung up the phone...not me :) 

I asked WHY!?!? 

Well, bio mom is sick.  But she ALSO was caught trespassing at her oldest son's home.  LoL.  Can we say 'making bad choices'.  Spout going home in September is not likely...

but this IS foster care and ANYTHING can happen...

SPROUT is 5 months old!!!

Everyday I look at this sweet baby boy and wonder if we will have the opportunity to make him a forever part of our family.  No matter what the outcome of his journey in foster care will be...he will ALWAYS be part of our family...even if he is not here.  His giggles is SO sweet and his smile is contagious.  I have given his situation over to God (many times) and I continue to pray God's best for Sprouts life.  God knows my hearts desire...to love this sweet boy FOREVER. 

At 5 months old he is now:

* wearing 6-12 month clothes (some 3-6 still)
* going to bed at 9pm and sleeping till around 6am
* still taking the pacifier
* wearing size 2 diaper
* sleeping on his belly :)
* holding his own bottle (or at least trying)
* LOVING his feet!! He discovered that he has these two things on the end of his legs and he LOVES that they go with him EVERYWHERE!
* ticklish and laughs out loud :)
* LOVING the jumper00
* still trying to talk and 'sing'.  His voice is so adorable!
* blowing raspberries
* teething...I think :) His hands are ALWAYS in his mouth!
* recognizing who he knows and gives HUGE smiles :)
* visiting with bio mom for 2 hours supervised and 3 hours UNsupervised a week.

Check out the other blog for some more news and updates! :)

Whirlwind of emotions.  Agency worker came to pick up Sprout for the one hour supervised visit and told me that mom was arrested and in jail for the weekend.  (Don't you get ONE phone call from jail?!?!?) Anyway, he also informed me that the county worker got wind of some news that bio mom was about a month along in her pregnancy.  Before you get your hopes up...she's not.  Well, she's not admitting to it if she is.  The agency worker that supervised the visit asked her and she said no.  I guess he believes her.  Not sure what to think.  He kids of felt that she was being honest...by her reaction. Things would be changing drastically if she is.  But to be honest...the weekend in jail was enough to put a smile on my face.  She is showing everyone that she cannot adequately parent Sprout.  I was told that her visit went well and Sprout did alot less crying because the agency worker asked me to send the type of bottle that I use and he (Sprout) actually let her (bio mom) feed him.  Check out the other blog later this weekend for some new pics and more info.  I also will update about my now 5 month old baby boy :) 

I probably should have written a bit sooner.  Alot has happened.  After the county worker told me that Sprout wasn't going home in June, she also mentioned that dropping visits down would probably be in the future.  Sprout SCREAMS during the entire visit and the agency worker who supervises doesn't think that it's right to make Sprout suffer because of his mother's inability to care for him.  So, last week, one of our visit days went from 2 hours UNsupervised at her home to one hour supervised.  The next day she had a psych eval.  Sprout was transported by the county worker and I was told that he screamed the ENTIRE time.  Bio mom didn't remember to bring a diaper bag so she had no diapers or bottles.  (Oh, to be a fly on that wall!!!!)  The Dr who performed the eval suggested that mom have MORE time with the baby in hopes (yeah right) of bonding better.  Funny how the next day for her visit...she didn't call to confirm (like she has religiously from day one) her visit time by 9am Friday morning.  I waited there for 15 minutes with the county worker then I was told I was free to go.  She did check her messages ONE last time before letting me leave.  I can't even begin to tell you how fast I left that parking lot.  I didn't want to chance bio mom coming in while I was leaving.  I thought it was a fluke thing and that we'd resume visits as normal but on Monday morning I got a call from the agency worker telling me that she (again) did NOT call to confirm by 9am and the visit was off.  So, two in  a row :)  I took Sprout up to D*S*S for a sibling visit yesterday.  While we played, Sprouts agency and county workers dropped in.  I was told I'll get an earful today about WHY bio mom missed those visits.  I can't wait to see what colorful excuse she has come up with.... 

I wanted to write this all down so I can remember.  I dropped Sprout off at his visit today and the county and agency workers were both in the parking lot.  I had 3 babies with me and they were peeking in on them all.  (Lil' Handsome leaves tomorrow)  The county worker came to me and said (in a very apologetic tone) "I'm really sorry if there was any confusion about Sprout leaving.  He was NEVER going home in June and everyone who is associated with this case has major concerns about his well-being when he is with his bio mom.  We are considering going back to supervised visits and dropping visits down (from 5 hours a week probably to 3) but we have to make sure we do it right so bio mom's defense can't argue.  Her parenting skills are lacking so we've asked her to have a cognitive evaluation done and she has agreed (even though it wasn't in the court order) and we feel that will tell us alot about her ability to adequately parent Sprout.  We do not take your concerns lightly because most of us here have the SAME concerns so rest assured that our recommendation to the judge is NOT reunification this early."   Wanna talk about a sigh of relief?!?!?  I was speechless.  I feel better now :)

Sprout was transported for a visit today.  I guess he was a bit fussy for the HOUR and mom said something like

"why does he have to freakin' cry the whole time he's here?" 

LoLoLoLoLoLoLoLoL

***As reported by the agency worker***

We have a sweet baby boy here for respite.  Handsome got here a few days ago.  He'll be here till next week.  This is the baby that came into care earlier this year.  He is placed with a friend of mine.  Loving every minute!!!  I can SO do twins!!! :)

P.S.- Went to buy a M0ther's D@y card for bio mom.  Do you know HOW HARD it is to find a card that is appropriate for her?!?!?! 
I might just have to find a blank one and fill in some jibberish... 

Oh, the JOY's of fostering.... :)  More soon!

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone :/  But I STILL wanna shout is from the roof tops!!! 

SPROUT IS NOT GOING HOME IN JUNE!!!!!

The NEW agency worker came to transport for a visit yesterday and said he'd be a little late dropping Sprout off because he and the county worker were going to have a quick meeting with bio mom after the visit. [1st UNsupervised at HER house!]  I asked why and he said that the county does not feel that she's doing what is required of her and that they want her to understand that she needs to STOP jumping to conclusions and he is NOT coming home in June.   {HUGE smile}  She also agreed to a cognitive evaluation (which is NOT in the court order...but she agreed to it!)  and that alone will delay him going home OR go in our favor when it's proven that she is UNABLE to care for him adequately.  I can't believe this.  I just keep praying that EVERYTHING be brought to light to keep Sprout safe.  I keep handing him over to God...every chance I get.  HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!

Not sure how to feel these days.  Sometimes he cries and I don't know how to help him because I, myself, need consoling.  The though of him leaving in just 2 short months makes me sick.  I'm not sure how I should be praying.  Do I pray for the WISDOM and COURAGE to FIGHT for him??? Or the PEACE to LET HIM GO?  I truly felt that this {the issues I'm having with the county over sending him home} was a mountain I needed to pray away.  I have begun to really seek God in what He would have me do. Unfortunately, I have no clear answers.  June is just a few weeks away.  I look at this sweet boy and can't imagine my life without him yet I know that God loves him more than I EVER could.  I have read and re-read the story of Abraham and Isaac MANY times.  I am trying to understand why no one wrote about what Abraham's reaction to God's request.  Because I am struggling with this does that mean I have no faith!? Certainly not.  I have asked God WHY he would call us to walk this emotional journey of F0$ter C@re again...only to lose...again.   Many people have said something like "you've given him the best beginning" or "he'll always have the love you gave him in the first few months".  Well, reality check.  This can ALL be undone when she leaves him crying in his crib or doesn't meet his needs.   I don't have all the answers.  Heck, I don't have any answers.  But I know I have to pray.  Pray that God makes all of this clear to me and that even when I can't see his hand...I will trust His heart. 

Sprout is 4 months old.  Too cute for words!!! He is now:

* Singing :)
* mostly in 3-6 month clothes but can still fit into some 0-3
* still uses his pacifier
* wearing size 2 diaper
* smiling a TON!!!
* still on meds for severe reflux
* sleeping {usually} 9:30pm till 6am :)
* napping throughout the day
* loves the B*um*bo chair
* sleeps on his belly
* is visiting 3 hours a week with bio mom
* has only seen his brothers for that one sibling visit
* only on formula
* holding his own bottle [or making HUGE effort]
* rolling from tummy to back
* hands in mouth CONSTANTLY!  Teething!?!?
* loves to smile and is a VERY happy boy!

I was reading about Abraham. {Genesis 22:1-19} I can kind of relate to the whole Abraham and Sarah story.  Waiting for a child...thinking it's impossible...   Anyway, when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, the bible doesn't say if Abraham answered God or if he had any kind of reaction to what told him to do.  He just got up early the next morning, saddled his donkey, took 2 young servants, and split wood for the burnt offering.  It took 3 days for Abraham to find the place that God told him about.  Can you imagine what must have been going through Abraham's mind in those 3 days!?!? I am in tears just thinking about how that kind of loss would affect me.  I would have argued with God and pleaded but it doesn't say WHAT Abraham thought.  Did he trust God from the start?  Did his faith GROW over those 3 days?  Can you imagine what it must have felt like to look at his son for that journey?  It goes on to tell us that when they arrived at the mountain...Abraham told his servants "Stay here with the donkey.  The boy and I are going over to worship; then WE'LL come back to you". 

WE'LL come back to you. 
WE WILL come back to you. 

Abraham KNEW that Isaac would be coming back with him.  He trusted God but KNEW he'd be back with his son.  He had faith in God and His promises.  I need this faith.  I need this trust in God.  I need it. I look at Sprout and only can see the dreams we had for him.  I ask God HOW he could ask me to let him go?  I need to trust that God's plans are much bigger than mine are.  I need to believe this with ALL I have. 
The story goes on to say that Abraham and Isaac went up the mountain and Isaac asked his father "We have flint and wood but where's the sheep for the burnt offering?"  Abraham answered "God will see to it that there's a sheep for the offering".  Abraham built and altar, laid out the wood and tied Isaac down and took up the knife to kill his son. 
In that last moment, and angel of God called out and told Abraham to put the knife down.  You know the rest of the story...  I have read and re-read this over and over again trying to understand how deep Abraham's trust in God must have been.  I know there would have been a battle in my mind because that's what I'm going through now.  Do I trust God enough to let Sprout go!?  Am I only trusting Him in hopes that He won't ask me to let him go?  If Sprout goes home, does that mean God is any less faithful?  Can I still trust Him with my deepest desires, hopes and dreams?  My answer is yes.  I know that His ways are higher than my ways and that even in the storm I am in
{right now}, if I keep my eyes on Him, I KNOW the waves of doubt and disbelief will NOT pull me under. 

I KNOW that He is faithful.
I KNOW that He is trustworthy.   

My Sweet Baby Sprout,

                Yesterday the agency worker came to my house and told me that you're most likely going home.  The day we were approached about taking you, we were told that this was a 'pre-adoptive' placement.  I guess things have changed.  I'm not sure WHY they want to send you home but I know that they are doing everything in their power for you to be re-united with your biological mother.  This is her 3rd round with D*S*S and NOW they are choosing to work with her until you are home.  I don't believe that it's a coincidence.  I truly believe that God is working behind the scenes and it will all work out.  Right now I just know that more than ANYTHING...I need God to give me that 'peace that passes ALL understanding' because my mind is going a trillion miles a minute.  If they send you home you will be an only child.  Both of your brothers are living with other people.  I am sad that I will no longer be able to hold you close and sing to you or watch you light up when you recognize a song.  I will miss hearing you 'sing' as you drink your bottle.  There will be different smells and sounds at her house and I don't know how she'll handle your fits if she forgets your medicine {as she can barley deal with your crying at the visits}.  We brought you home, into our family, thinking that you would one day be our son...OUR little boy.  But it looks like God might have other plans.  I trust Him.  I trust that He will work things out so this whole journey will bring HIM glory.  I know that right now things looks like their IMPOSSIBLE...but God is in the miracle business.  Like that day when I called the agency home finder about when you'd be born and she said your mother had left the county and you'd be brought into care in another county with another family.  I hung up the phone and I heard that still, small voice say "I am BIGGER than a county line!"  It was only 5 days later that the SAME agency home finder called to tell me she needed to have a meeting with me about you and how it would work when we brought you home with US!!! God moved that mountain.  I know He can move this one...  I love you sweet boy.  As if you don't hear it a million times a day.  I trust that God loves you even MORE than I do.  I am scared of losing you.  But only because I don't know what the future holds.  I can only imagine what it would be like if you stayed.  If I think about you leaving there's only darkness...God WILL have His way because I'm surrendering my will to Him.  I want what HE wants...for you AND FOR me!!! These next few months will be hard not knowing but I am going to thank God for EVERYDAY that He has given me to be with you and allowed me to be your 'mom'...even if only temporarily.  He is in control... 

Gotta say some really important things.  Can't say anything here but if you check over here you'll understand why. 

***If you haven't sent a request to view the private blog you can email me at savingthestarfish@gmail.com.  Just tell me who you are and where you're from***

Sometimes, when I look at him sleeping in his crib, I am STILL in AWE that he is here.  I hold him in my arms and breathe him in and  thank God for giving me the opportunity to love him and to have him in our home.  When I see his tiny socks or diapers laying around I remember how good God is.  In my heart I truly WANT to believe that God himself handed this baby to us.  But I can't wrap my head around that.  So for now...I am planning on handing my sweet baby boy over to his biological mother this summer.  I am trying to prepare myself {and my family} for Sprout leaving us.  I would rather be prepared then have the rug pulled out from under us.  Does this mean my faith is gone??  No.  I HAVE TO do this.  I need to mentally tell myself EVERYDAY that he could leave.  This baby boy has been slowly weaving himself into our family from the minute we found out about him a month before he was even born.  He will leave an enormous hole when he leaves.  But I know that God will redeem Sprout's time here.  I don't know when or how but I trust that He will.  His plan is bigger than ours is. 
Some crazy news I can't share on this blog can be found over here.

3 years ago this week I handed over my sweet Felix to his grandmother.  My heart remembers the pain.  But my arms are now full with this precious little boy that God has chosen for us to care for...for now. 

Redemption.

Sprout and Felix were born days apart and now that we've almost made it through March I can take a deep breath and enjoy him  more.  Sprout might leave us in July. He might not.  I am living as if he is my son because to honest, while he's here...he IS.  But I am aware that he has a biological mother who is working a case plan so reunification can happen.  I do, at times, realize that I am {in a way} counting down till I hear something about his case but I know that it is out of my control.  I bought the stroller I wanted IF he was staying and it truly was an "ACCIDENTAL" purchase.  Some of my friends who have met him are CONVINCED he's staying.  It's not that my faith is not  strong, it's just that I feel the need to guard my human heart and let God do what He wants with my willingness to be a foster parent FIRST.  No, it's not easy.  I am NO hero.  But if I've learned ANYTHING on this journey... it is to TRUST His will for my life is PERFECT. It has taken ALOT of seeking and crying and at times, loss.  But I am confident that when I look back...I will see how FAITHFUL He has been. 

Sprout is 3 months old!!!

Where is the time going??!?!  Seems like it was only yesterday that I was waiting to hear of we'd be bringing him home with us.  He is happy and healthy.  At 3 months he is...

***Smiling and 'talking'
***Wearing 0-3 and 3-6 month clothes
***now in size 2 diapers as of this week.
***bringing his hands to his mouth and sucking on his fingers
***still SOOO handsome
***sleeping through the night {some nights}
***drinking 6-8 ounce bottles
***happiest when held
***visiting with his bio mom for 3 hours a week {2 different days}

I 'accidently' bought the stroller I've been wanting for Sprout.  Call me crazy but I think it was a 'God thing'.  Can't wait till it gets here and I can put him in it.  I was waiting to find out more about his case and what the future holds but I am realizing that it's not my battle worry about.  He's here NOW and I'm gonna enjoy EVERY MINUTE.  I have also realized that I've been letting my circumstance ROB ME OF THE JOY that God brought me in the shape of a tiny, precious boy.  It's so easy to focus on the visits and case workers and the 'system' but I am trying to remind myself DAILY that he's here NOW.  :)

Late last night I got a call for a 3 month old baby GIRL.  {I know, I know.  I said that when Sprout leaves...we're DONE}  I just couldn't help myself.  Anyway, the on-call worker was telling me all the details and asked if I wanted to have this baby dropped off or did I want to pick her up!?! I told her I'd pick her up cuz I'd have to run up to good ol' Wally*World to get some girly things.  She said she'd call me back when CP*S let her know what was going on.  While I waited I finished up some laundry, got the others in bed and fed Sprout. She called back to say that bio mom was giving C*PS workers a hard time and they weren't sure what was going to happen.  About 30 minutes later I got another call that there wasn't ONE baby but TWO.  The baby girl had a 12 month old 1/2 sibling {a BOY} who needed to be placed with her.  Well, due to lack of space in the car...I had to say no :(  We only have room for ONE more child unless we are willing to take 2 cars everywhere we go...which I'm not.  I told the worker we'd be willing to be an emergency placement or if they could split them up we'd take either {preferably the BOY} but it didn't work out.  She said she'd call me today if she could split them.  I haven't heard from her.  They are running out of rooms in our county :/  we need more foster parents.  Some people only want teens or school aged kids.  I feel that we can adequately handle only babies right now since we've had only toddlers for the past 4 years!!!  Perpetual potty training and time-outs!!! It's amazing the PEACE I had while I was on the phone and while I was waiting for her to call back. I'm glad I was willing. I know that God knows what I can handle and He won't let me carry more than I can.  I have to admit it would have been fun to have 'twins'.                 Maybe next time! :) 

After Sprout's visit on Friday the agency worker informed me that in 2 weeks Sprout will be going to bio mom's house for a one hour supervised visit then up to D*S*S for a 2 hour Unsupervised visit later in the week.  She is still monitored through one-way glass but still...  Freakin' out here.  I HAVE to trust that God is in control.  My human eyes see this as a HUGE threat but my heart is resting in knowing that God has Sprout in the palm of His hand.  (But my head is freakin' out still...)  I can't understand how we have gotten to this point.  She is only 2.5 months into her case plan and the county has pretty much given her EVERYTHING she has needed.  {I.E- apartment, $$, bus tokens, furniture...}  And now Unsupervised visits.  The agency worker explained to me that it is important for HIM to get unsupervised visits (through one-way glass) because HE HATES to supervise her visits because she is so inappropriate!!!  She talks to the worker the whole time and it drives him CRAZY!  LoL.  I know that God has a plan for Sprout.  This is NOT bio mom's first child.  It is her 3rd.  She has custody of NONE.  {Yes, you read that right}  Not sure why they are choosing to give her these resources NOW after her THIRD child...   Please keep Sprout's situation in your prayers.  Um, and me too.  Because I AM kinda FREAKIN' OUT here!!! :)