At the meeting when they told us about the bio family I would never have believed that people like this exist.  Think if the craziest
{J*RRy $PR!nGeR} show you've ever seen and multiply it by 10. Maternal g-ma is insane.  I will eventually think of blog names for these people but for right now I'll just share that this sweet boy is SO adorable :)  He has gotten comfortable here and we are enjoying every minute.  We are hopeful that the outcome of his case will be good but we are also trusting GOD that He knows best and has this sweet boy in the palm of His hand.  More soon...

He is home :)  It was uneventful at the hospital because they had mom dress him and say goodbye in one room then they brought him to us to finish signing paperwork with people from the county.  on our way out maternal g-ma was outside and asked why I didn't have his snowsuit on him but she wasn't threatening.  She just seemed defeated.  She asked how her daughter did and I told her they wouldn't let me see her.  I feel really bad because I did have the opportunity to meet and spend time with bio mom and maternal g-ma on Christmas and yesterday for a few hours.  I found out tons of info on the history of the family.  I know bio mom had no choice in this decision but my heart hurts for her.  She is young and simple.  You know I cannot go into details here.  Baby is fine.  He's so stinkin handsome :)  
We are falling in love already!  I will post more and fill in some blanks as soon as I am able :)  Merry {beLatEd} Chr*stmas!!!!

God showed up...BIG TIME.  After I spoke with the agency worker last Friday I assumed that all bets were off for us getting the placement of this baby.  Mom had moved to another county and I should move on.  The last few days have been all about me telling God that I truly DO trust Him and I'll wait.  Yesterday, my hubby and I left for the day to finish up some Christmas shopping and on our first stop my cell rang.  It was the county worker asking if we could meet.  I asked if everything was ok and she said it was.  She wanted to meet to see if we were  interested in taking the baby that had not been born yet.  (The same baby I was told about a month ago...the same baby I have been PRAYING about for the last few weeks!!)  I told the worker that tomorrow (Thursday) would work better for us.  She told me to come in for a morning meeting.  Hubby and I both were there and we were filled in on some details (some new, some not) and then they asked if we were interested in fostering this baby that had been born this morning.  Like I really had to think about that one :)  After all the paperwork was signed we left and did some shopping for my new little man.  I actually had the chance to go up to the hospital to see him tonight (Thursday).  He is so sweet.  7 lbs of sweet Christmas love.  God really showed up.  I'm still not sure how long he'll be with us.  We're anticipating a few months at least. 
But you already know what I'm praying for...   :*)

It's a boy! :) More details later...  :)

"They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored but you NEVER KNOW THE MIRACLE THE FATHER HAS IN STORE...just watch and see it WILL NOT be unredeemed" ~Selah (Unredeemed)

As far as I know baby has not been born yet.  But I found out today from the worker that mom has left our county and moved to a neighboring county.  Baby will most likely be going to a family in that county. 
God is still good!!!
(Surprised I can type through my tears) 
HIS will be done in our lives...

Tomorrow is Thursday.  My days have been filled with hopeful anticipation :)  I am waiting for a call that might not come but I have come to the point where I trust God completely.  Baby boy is due to be born tomorrow.  The worker said that the 16th sounded familiar.  So I could be TOTALLY wrong.  But either way, I want God to have HIS way in this little one's life and in my family.  Hopefully I'll have more to share soon. 

***More details over at the 'other'  blog. 

Not sure what this week holds but God knows I'm willing to start on this emotional journey...AGAIN!  Baby boy is due soon.  Excited, prepared and trying to be completely guarded.  With CHRISTmas around the corner I have many things to keep me busy.  Today I am taking Mami and Papi to the annual Chr*stmas party through a local group that supports the county.  I will see Arizona, Lil Man, Daisy, Baby Tulip and Sweetie and Sassy.  A bit excited to see how they're all doing and take some pics :) 

Spoke to the agency home finder today.  She seems to think that the baby will be born in about 2 weeks.  She also said something about having to give bio mom a choice to voluntarily place baby boy in C*P*S custody for 3 days.  Her 2 year old son is being TPR'd right now and
she hasn't made any visits to see him in a while.  I asked if it's possible that she left town but the worker seems to believe that she has no where to go and no money to get anywhere so she most likely is still around.  The worker assured me that IF the baby DOES come into care he will come here!  So...now we play that horrible waiting game. 
New posts on the 'other' blog :)

I'm still waiting to hear back from the agency home finder about this baby that's due to be born next month.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.  I think it's a good thing that she gave me a month to let the thought settle in about bringing home a new baby from the hospital.  It gives me time to work through my emotions and when (IF) he goes home I will have been prepared a little more than if they called me an hour after he was born asking if I wanted to foster at all.  I called to ask the due date but haven't heard back yet.  I have spoken to a friend of mine who is also a foster parent (for a neighboring county) and she said she knows the bio mom and gave me some info on the situation from her point of view.  Only God knows what will happen and I know that this journey has been long and in my mind I think (and pray) that it's coming to an end.  Maybe THIS time we'll have the opportunity to adopt and it will be the perfect situation for us...  I trust Him...

The one thing that has kept me going on this journey is hope.  Hope...that one day God would either FILL this desire or completely take it from me.  It has been 5 LONG years and I have had the privilege of caring for these precious starfish but only until this week have I been able to see things come full circle.  Someone asked me how it is possible to love on these little ones then hand them over...  "Well", I answered, "God must think my heart is big enough to go losing pieces every now and then".  HE alone has given me this gift.  My desire to continue comes from HIM.  This week I got a call from Daisy's adoptive mom.  Daisy just turned 3 and left us in May of 2009.  She was with us for a full year and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  We still had her photo albums from the time she was with us and we were ready to give them to her.  Anyway, adoptive mom came over...AND BROUGHT DAISY!!! I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was to watch her sit and play with the toys in the living room or have her ask me how a certain toy worked.  Her voice is adorable and I was just in awe of her the whole time she was here.  I could barely look at her because I kept losing my train of thought  :)  I gave the albums to her mom and she was very grateful.  I included a baby's 1st year calendar and a scrapbook and also a cd disc of all the pics so she can print them out if she needs them when she's older.  When they left she asked her mom to carry her outside and mom said no.  I asked Daisy if I could carry her and she let me.  On our way out to the car we actually stopped on the walkway and built a little snowman.  She put leaves on his sides for arms and one on it's head for a hat.  It was amazing moment to remember forever.  When I carried her into her car seat I asked if they wanted a Graco high back booster for her to use as she gets older.  They willingly took it and thanked me.  God is sooo good.  Daisy showed no sign of remembering her time here.  I am glad she'll only remember them as her parents.  But I couldn't help but come back into the house and just stop and remember to breathe.  That moment will FOREVER be etched in my head.  It was closure. It was God showing me that HIS PLAN is perfect.  And I really DO trust Him.
Which brings us to today.  In a moment when all the kids were in school and my house was eerily quiet I called the agency home finder.  She said it was crazy that I called in that exact moment but she was actually putting MY address into her GPS to come over...she wanted to talk.  Long story short...Are we interested in adopting if Mami and Papi's case goes to adoption???  Because I honestly didn't think that the county would approach adoption this early in the case my family and I have not made a definite decision.  There is also a baby due soon.  A little boy...are we interested in fostering him?  Bio family will try to get custody.  Are we interested???  So many questions...  I know that God's timing is PERFECT.  He is faithful.  Right now I ask you to pray for clarity for our family.  MANY decisions and so many questions to answer....More updates as soon as I can  :) 

I have been writing this post in my head for about a week now.  Trying to form thoughts and break things down so I could get a better view of how this turn of events would have affected us as a family.  Like I said before...I have had the pleasure of watching MANY of our foster babies grow through pics and emails.  I keep in touch with some of the families thorough ne*twork connection*s like FB.  Well, last week Felix's family member posted something that made me question who he is with now so I sen an email and when I got my response I was stunned.  Just a refresher...Back in January of 2008 we brought a 5 pound 8 ounce baby boy home from the hospital.  He had been drug exposed and premature. His mother did come to the first few visits but since she tested positive for drugs they would not let her see him.  We went 3 months without meeting his bio mom.  I really thought that we would keep him.  His grandmother showed up out of no where and within days had won custody in court and we handed him over to her.  I had less than 24 hours to pack up my sweet baby boy and say goodbye...  Fast forward 2 years.  Since July of 09 I have been receiving pics of him and she has been updating me on his growth.  When she posted that 'he spent the night with me' I sent her an email and ask who we was with.  "Well, he was returned to his bio mother in Feb of this year.  She is doing exceptional and the kids are thriving'.  That statement took my breath away.  The first thing my husband said to me was 'So, he would have gone home anyway...'.  I have to honest.  That was THE HARDEST thing I have EVER done up to this point in my life.  Handing over this baby I thought was MINE to this stranger...  I know NOW that God protected me from hanging on to him for 27 months while his mother got her act together.  I can say it again... GOD IS FAITHFUL.  While Felix will ALWAYS be a HUGE part of this journey...I know even MORE now that God has a plan.  I still have NO CLUE what it is but I will keep watching and waiting for Him to show me what He has for me. 

New posts on the other blog :)

2 new posts...over here

It's been 5 years since we started fostering.  We have been 'empty' since January.  We've done some respite here and there.  I think we may be coming to the end of our journey.  This has been the hardest road we EVER walked.  I am so ambivalent.  Not sure if I want to just have our names pulled off 'the list'.  Or wait.  I'm not getting any younger.  My heart breaks as I think about the dreams unfulfilled.  The plans I made to walk down the street holding the hand of the boy that was to be my son.  I'm starting to think that they were all idealistic and unrealistic.  5 years.  I've seen people foster and adopt their kids.  I've seen families grow biologically...many times over.  It seems to be happening for EVERYONE else.  Maybe it's just not meant to be.  Maybe it's time to lay this all down...for good. 
Maybe it's not His will for us. 

New post over here

Well, the boys have been here since Friday afternoon.  The first hour was ok.  Arizona didn't seem to remember me and Lil' Man really could care less who I was he was just happy to go along.  I posted the whole story on the other blog. The boys leave tomorrow.  I can't say that I'm sad to see them go.  Here's a qucik timeline to catch you up...

July 4th, 2009: Boys enter care
                      Owen and Arizona go to one foster home while Lil' Man goes to another.
July 5th, 2009: Owen is moved from that foster home due to violence on foster mom's son.
July 6th, 2009: Arizona and Lil' Man come to live with us.
August    2009: Owen is moved from foster home to ANOTHER home due to foster parents
                       financial situation.
August    2009: visits start with bio mom
January  2010: We request boys to be moved to another foster home due to violence.
April      2010: ALL boys back home with bio mom (ON TRIAL)
May       2010: (just a mere 3 weeks later) Boys BACK into care.  Boys are placed together 2
                      county's away.
July       2010: Boys are moved back to our county into current foster home. 

The boys were 4, 2 and 1 when they entered care last year.  They are now almost 6, 4 and 3.  Arizona is an angry little man (who they now medicate).  They desperately need 'permanency' to begin to heal and start their life instead of having to worry about visits and their 'foster parents'.  Arizona loves to cuddle and hug and he is so sweet but his attitude can change at the drop of a dime.  It's all very scary to me.  Lil' Man is still a shaggy little man (his mom won't let anyone cut his hair till he's 3...that will be REALLY soon!!!)  And although he throws tantrums...he still seems 'pliable' and workable.  Like, it's NOT too late for him.  I have never seen a child like Arizona.  I cannot even speak to him while he's screaming.  I have to wait for his 'episode' to be over and after he 'comes to' he will look at me.  He also is a 'spite' pee-er.  Yesterday, I left him home with my hubby to run 2 quick errands.  Arizona asked to come...I said no (because he had just thrown a HUGE tantrum over not being allowed to have a 3rd cup of juice) and he hit my dog.  So, I explained that 'good listeners get good things and bad listeners get NOTHING'.  And I left.  He stood there and peed.  Hubby was NOT happy.  It feels like they have been here for a week!  There are many other things I can tell you but I should say nothing more than PLEASE PRAY!  I do not think that bio mom can parent these children AT ALL.  I know our job as foster parents are to work with the bios and help them (and all that) but, frankly,  I am a realist.  I know it will most likely come down to adoption for these boys and it's so sad.  They have a HUGE extended family NONE of whom stepped up to take the boys. 
More soon... 
Check over here.

Ok, so, ya ready for some news?  I've definitely been holding out on you!  Guess who's coming back???  Ok, ok, I'll tell you.  Arizona and Lil' Man are coming for the weekend.  I was called last week and asked to do respite and I said yes.  For a few reasons...  One, to see how they are.  Two, so the OTHER people in my house can see how they are.  Three, curiosity.  To be honest I am looking forward to spending the weekend with them and handing them BACK over to the new foster*mom.  This should be interesting...more soon :)

I posted on the other blog...

I spoke to Mami and Papi's family today and found out that HE will be having surgery to remove his adnoids, get tubes and have his tongue clipped. I am SO happy for him. He WILL be a totally different child after that surgery! I also will have them for respite next month for a few days and the following month for a few days. :) Not sure what God has planned. I also start 'working' when my kids go back to school. I will be watching a friends 4 month old SON while she goes back to work as a teacher at my kids school. Only a few days a week but I'll get my 'fix'. We've already had the chance to meet him and he seems like a really good baby. I'm looking forward to it. :) More soon.

I've been thinking about Mami and Papi alot lately. I haven't called their family members to see how they are...yet! Maybe this week. I saw some ADORABLE outfits yesterday and thought of Mami and how cute she'd look in them. Not sure if God has a plan to add them to our family or not. I know HE brought them to us...TWICE. Holding on to the fact that what God has planned is beyond what I could EVER imagine! :)

So, Mami and Papi left yesterday afternoon. The week got kind of messy and went something like this... I got a call for respite from Saturday till Monday. I said yes. On Monday I got a call saying that family member is still in need of respite, can I keep them till Wednesday? I said yes. On Wednesday I got a call saying family member still needs respite till Friday...can I do it? I said yes. Are we seeing a pattern here? It was legit. Mami and Papi were here in May. It was one of those 10pm phone calls and pick up a W*LmaR*t. (Hence, the reason my kids think babies come from there!) After a few days of them here I asked if there were any other family members to take them and they were moved. I have just come to find out that GREAT grandma and GREAT grandpa are certified (foster parents) and have cared for all but 2 of their great grandchildren. These are some AMAZING people!!! Anyway, the babies (ages 11 mo and 2) are home with their family and I am happy for them...Now back to our regularly scheduled programming! :)

Wow. It's Monday and they're still here...shocker!!! LoL :) It seems that they'll be here till Wednesday! Ahh, the joys... I'll tell you all about it when I have the time. Gotta run...I have a nose to wipe!

My life is hysterical... I've had some pretty quiet days this week and like I said I would give up ALL my 'down' time to be sunggling a baby. Got a call for respite for the weekend. I said yes... It turns out that Papi and Mami are coming till Monday. Their family member is in the hospital and they need respite. I'll let you know how that turns out :)

Have you ever laid in bed in the morning contemplating your day...wondering "Could THIS be THE DAY I get THE CALL???" I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Maybe because I haven't had a call in a few weeks...hmmm. I was outside with my family today sitting in the sun by the pool and thoroughly enjoying the warmth and happiness the sunshine brings thinking "I would give this freedom up in a second for the right placement". Sleeping in (or sleeping, in general, is SOOO over rated!) I am fully trusting God for clarity on which call to say 'yes' to and which to 'pass' on. They are NEVER easy decisions to make but I have seriously (finally) come to the place where I'm ok with the decisions that we've made in the past. Mostly because we've committed our path to the Lord and we're holding His hand on this incredibly emotional journey. Lord, continue to guide us and give us wisdom. Have YOUR way in our family and in our lives!!

Baby Tulip's foster mom called earlier this week and asked me if I'd be willing to do respite for them for the weekend. I said yes. She is here and as adorable as ever! I also happen to have Pickle for the day and they are getting along great. Baby Tulip's parents have surrendered their rights and she is officially up for adoption. Her foster parents have had her since she came into care at 4 months old. She is VERY attached to her foster daddy and I am SO glad for them. So, this fall she will have a forever home and a new name! If you have been able to keep up, she is Daisy's cousin. Daisy is still in care and has been for over 2 years! Her foster parents are still working on making her a forever part of THEIR family. Hopefully THAT will be soon!!!

The home finder was supposed to come first thing Monday morning to re-certify us for the next year for fostering. This would be our first face to face meeting and I was prepared to tell her exactly how I felt about her comment regarding me 'sending them back'. My hubby thinks I am very non confrontational around D$$ and this goes against my usual 'tell it like it is' personality. I had Pickle Fri, Sat and Sun. I planned on getting the house in order on Sunday night when the baby left. When Pickle is here I don't do laundry, clean or do dishes. He is the sweetest baby and deserves my undivided attention :) So, needless to say I was up pretty late cleaning the house (which needed to be done anyway!) I went to bed in the early hours of Monday morning and set the alarm for 6am to finish up. I wanted everything in perfect order to make a good first impression. Well, she called at 8:45 am and cancelled. She said she had a procedure done on Friday and thought she'd be ok but wasn't. Ahhhhh.
And the journey goes on...

I have to be honest. I am SO discouraged. I really, truly do KNOW that God has a plan. I'm just beginning (on continuing) to question whether or not that 'plan' includes us adding a child to our family through adoption. What can I do but pray and wait? "For I know the plans I have for you.." says the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11

I have tried to update this blog MANY times in the past few days and I am finally able. On Wednesday morning I got a call from the home finder at D$$. She explained that she was contacting me for a few reasons. First, we needed to be re-certified...Second, she asked if we were ready for a placement because we have 'returned' the past 2 placements and 'we can't have that'. Third, they had a newborn baby boy (born 7/1) possibly coming into care and if we were willing...he would be discharged to us. I had to start off by explaining that sending Arizona and Lil' Man on to another foster home was not just something we decided because we were bored...It is something that we prayed about and cried over. Those babies completely changed the dynamics of our home...forever. Mami and Papi were a totally different story all together. They came here at 10pm and were supposed to be considered an emergency placement. They are safe with family members. This lady (the home finder) doesn't know our family personally. she is newly working with D$$ and has yet to speak to us in person. Does she know that we have had long term placements? Baby C and Daisy were here over a year...each. Felix was SUPPOSED to be long term...we all know how that turned out. I really think that if they would have taken the time to get to know us better they would KNOW what we want and the 'type' of placement we can handle. Anyway, she went on to explain that the baby was born 6 days earlier and MAY OR MAY NOT be coming into care. (She gave me some specifics which you can find on the other blog) So, the question she really had was were we willing to go the distance with this baby SHOULD he come into care?? I explained we were away on vacation (a few hours from home) but we'd be willing to pack up and be home that night...need be. She told me she'd call back later in the day to let us know if he was coming into care or not. If so, he'd be discharged directly to us. Well I can't even BEGIN to tell you the thoughts that ran through my mind but I stopped and prayed and committed my desires for this situation to God. I know that HE knows what we can and can't handle. My husband and I were completely at peace as we went about our day waiting to hear if we'd be welcoming a new baby boy into our family. I'd be lying if I said I didn't daydream about holding him and once again praying that THIS would be the one we'd have forever. But I DID have a peace all day while I was waiting. 5 o'clock came and went and I thought that she forgot about calling us when 6:30pm rolled around and the phone rang. She explained that they WOULD NOT be bringing this baby into care. I was disappointed but at peace knowing that God is in control. As I sit here writing this I can help but think that I wish I was tired from being up with a newborn all night... :(

New post on the 'other' blog...

New post on the 'other' blog...

New post on the other blog...

I have to laugh at myself sometimes.  I know that God is in control but I guess I forget.  I am always reminding myself...
He is FAITHFUL!!!

New post over here :)

I keep thinking that 'today's the day'.  I'm ok with that.  I love living life on the edge! I'm enjoying what I have and not taking anything for granted.  I spend my days enjoying my time alone, with my family and with Pickle.  He has been here most days and I leave EVERYTHING (laundry, cleaning) to be with him.  I know that if we would have adopted Baby 'C' 5 years ago I definitely would not have enjoyed him as much as I enjoy Pickle.  Let me explain.  This journey has taken us down many long and winding roads and I have learned alot about myself.  When Pickle is here we play and take walks, and do things...together.  I feel that when we finally get our boy(s) that it'll be my second 'chance'.  I love watching Pickle learn to eat with a fork and see birds flying overhead.  I love his laugh when he is outside being chased or jumping.  I think I would have taken these things for granted.  It's so obvious that God knows what we need WHEN we need it.  :) 

***For those of you who would like access too my private blog...please email me at savingthestarfish@gmail.com and tell me a little about yourself***   

Posted again on the 'other' blog.  :)

New post on the other blog. 

What a crazy week.  Papi and Mimi were here 5 days...then Pickle came for the weekend.  I have a few days off before we do respite for Baby Tulip (who is really no longer a 'baby' but we'll keep the name anyway :)  Pickle was reunited with his bio mom today but we will have the privilege of watching him this summer.  His bio mom is a sweetie.  I am excited for her.  I am also SO proud of her.  Pickle's foster mom got a placement of a 5 month old boy the same day we got Mimi and Papi.  I gotta trust that God knows what He is doing and what we can handle.  She also said that he won't be in care long term.  I sometimes get SO frusterated without knowing the bigger picture.  Trust.  I am learning alot about what I can and can't handle.  Having Papi here really showeed me that we are truly 'baby' geared.  I feel like we've had nothing but toddlers in this house for the past 4 years and we need a break.  Mimi was wonderful.  A little lovey.  So, I can only pray that in His time, God will send us a baby that we can call our very own.  There has been no news on the possible adoption situation.  I am going to make a phone call tomorrow because the worst that can happen is I'm told no.  And it wouldn't be the 1st time...

I was told that Arizona, Lil' Man and their older brother, Owen came BACK into care after being reunited and home for only a few weeks.  Please pray for their foster parents.  I hear they are all placed together and that is a recipe for trouble.  :(

Remember the part in the D*sney* movie 'Aladd*n' where Aladd*n hold out his hand to JasM8ne and says..."Do you trust me?".  That is all I've been thinking about this week.  We got the call late Monday night for Papi and Mimi (blog names).  The supervisor called me and I originally said no because I had SO much to do this week.  But after thinking about it I called her back and she said she still hadn't found someone to take them...I said yes.  I consider it an emergency placement when they call that late at night.  Why? Because usually they try to match the child with a family..hence the purpose of the M*APP class...right??? We picked them up at W*lmart at about 9:45pm because I had no diapers or formula.  Papi is 26 months and Mimi is 8 months. They are bio brother and sister.  The CP*S worker handed them to me with a piece of paper with their names and birthdays and left.  We shopped for about 30 mintues then came home.  The kids had nothing that I could immediately use (without washing) so I bought them some pjs, diapers, wipes and formula.  I gave them both a bath and got them in bed...it was close to 11pm.  They both slept throught the night....THANK GOD!!!!!!!  Bottom line, she is a great baby but he is 2.  Nuf said.  He is into everything, doesn't speak well and it's a bit obvious that he will need physical therapy.  (No, I am not a professional).  She seems age appropriate and is a very easy baby.  On Wednesday I met bio mom at a visit.  I found out that the kids have been in care before and I was a bit sad for them.  With that bit of knowledge it seems that's the answer to why Papi is not on target for his age.  (Again, not a professional diagnosis)  After the visit I asked to speak with the caseworker and asked her to find them a home that would fit their needs more.  I don't feel that I'm up to therapies, and dr appointments or visits for that matter right now.  I felt SO bad asking but I know that for our family this would be the best decision.  The caseworker was very understanding and they are no with their great-grandparents as of this morning.  But part of the 'deal' of them leaving was for me to take Pickle for this weekend and Baby Tulip next weekend.  NO PROBLEM!!! I also asked to have our availability changed from 2 openings to 1 opening and 1 respite.  That way, we'll only foster one baby at a time.  I really feel like God is saying..."DO you trust me?".  I do.  I know HE knows what's best for our family.  The best thing for Papi and Mimi is to be with family that loves them and is able to take care of them.  So, for the next few days I'm loving on Pickle and LOVING EVERY MINUTE!!!!  :)

I got a call for B/G siblings.  First, I said no because I have so much going on in the next few days.  Then I called the supervisor back and said yes.  Boy is 26 months and Baby Sister is 8 months.  I had to pick them up at Wally*world because I had NOTHING in the house.  (You'd think I'd have known better!!!)  :)  They are bathed and sleeping now.  Let's all hope they stay that way...at least till 7am!!! :)  More soon...

Hey.  I have a request.  Please PRAY!  It's really an 'off the wall' IMPOSSIBLE situation but I know that it's THESE kinds of things that helps show us that NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE with God.  There is a pregnant girl looking to give her unborn SON up for adoption.  She is already working with an agency.  We are NOT a family profile on this agency's shelf.  But there IS someone involved with this situation that knows we are actively looking to adopt.  PLEASE PRAY.  I know that God can do 'EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY MORE than I can EVER ask, dream or imagine..."  (Ephesians 3:20) and what seems impossible with me is totally possible with God...just PLEASE pray God's will be done in this situation.  Thank you in advance...I'll keep you updated if I hear anything more...  :)

Rejoicing today

with my sweet God given friend,

 Beth and her husband Steve

on the referral

of their son. 

IT'S A BOY!!!! :) 

Go on over and send them some blessings...  Beth's Blog...

He is FAITHFUL!!! 

New post on the 'other' blog...

Another wonderful weekend.  Last week I got a call to do respite for Baby Tulip.  She was with us for the weekend.  She has grown SO much since the last time we had her.  What a little sweetie!!! We really enjoyed having her.  We also had Pickle here.  Only for a few hours but still.  We enjoyed watching them both play and interact.  I kept thinking..."Twins wouldn't be that hard..."  :)  Next weekend we'll have Pickle again.  Enjoyed having them both ...

New post on the 'other' blog... ;0)

I have to be totally honest.  I really enjoyed having the girls here.  Even though it was a bit hectic running around to get their room ready I'm thrilled there was a happy ending.  I'm thrilled they're with family.  I envisioned them here for the next few weeks (if not months) dressing them and painting their toes.  So, back to waiting for the phone... :) 
I'm ok with that. 

They're gone...CPS called and said they can go to grandma's.  As fast as they came...they're gone.  It sure was fun while it lasted...

So we are adding 'Sassy' and 'Sweet' to our family...at least for the weekend.  I was called late last night (after a very LONG day) and was taken by surprise when the CPS worker said girls.  I was told that they were 'in care' for 4 hours before they could locate a home willing to take them...  Sounds crazy to me but if you remember...we have requested only boys.  The CPS worker sounded desperate and she said worse case is 'only till Monday' when D*S*S opens again.  (Yes, we've ALL heard that before!!!)  I scrambled for a few minutes getting blankets and beds ready but then I realized I had no girls clothes.  I made a few phone calls and some amazing friends dropped off a few items to get us through the next few days.  The girls came with diapers and some clothes, neatly folded in a bag.  (That says ALOT about where they've come!)  The workers brought them to the house around 10 and as soon as they walked in the door I recognized them. I have 'met' them before (not from care) and was thrilled.  I was told they were 2 and 3 but they are acually 1 and 2.  They were clean (aside from smelling like smoke) and even had their toes painted.  :)  I know their mama loves them.  I have seen her with them (previously) and look forward to hearing more about their future.  I spoke to a friend who is familiar with the family and she seems to think they'll go to a relative this week.  We'll see. We went through that with the boys...SO many family members but none approved to take them.  I think they WILL be going home to their mom.  But I haven't spoken to anyone at D*S*S yet to find out anyhting official.  So, at least till Monday...they're here.  They are as sweet as can be.  Sassy and Sweet are BOTH very well spoken for their age and hysterical.  They are obviously VERY bonded and you can see how much they love each other.  They love to cuddle and smile often.  Getting them to bed last night was easy...keeping them asleep was a little harder.  I did not sleep AT ALL but I know God's grace is carrying me through.  Every hour I was up consoling one or the other.  I will update more soon.  They are doing well and having a blast...so am I.  :)  If you know THIS blog...you know where you can find more details...  :) 

Got a call tonight.  2 little pink. (STOP LAUGHING!!!) God most definitely has a sense of humor!!! :)  They are now sleeping...more soon. 

Eph. 3:20 – God is not merely able but abundantly able, bountifully and generously able, with an infinite surplus of resources and eternally able “to do what he had promised.”

http://www.ragamuffinsoul.com/2010/04/will-you-please-give-it-up/

“For we rejoice when we ourselves are weak but you are strong” – 2 Cor 13:9


Here's where I'm at.  Ok, God.  Show me YOUR will!!!

New post on the other blog...

Saturday I had THE most AMAZING dream.  I was showing someone a house (No, I'm not in real estate). I went into a room and called out something like "C'mon buddy...it's time to go".  Little Felix (at about 2 years old) poked his head out from under the bed skirt and said "Here I am.  I knew you wouldn't be worried 'cuz you know'd where I was".  And the feeling that I got was just PURE LOVE. I was so overcome with love for this child and I was so proud that he was such a good boy.  I woke up and was a bit taken back that it was only a dream.  I have his picture from last November sitting on my night stand.  He is about 22 months old and sitting on a little rocking horse.  It's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. The emotion that I felt in that dream was SO real.  No sure what it meant but it was wonderful...

If there's one thing that I've learned during this entire fostering journey...it has to be to trust God more.  It's been 5 long years of waiting for the 'right one' to come into our house to complete our family.  At the time, Baby C was not the right one for us because he wasn't walking or talking at 21 months.  We were scared for his future despite hours and hours of therapies.  He is now a happy, healthy 4 year old and his adoptive parents have fostered and adopted his full bio baby sister.  With my sweet boy, Felix...bringing that baby home from the hospital was THE BEST experience of my life {next to giving birth to my own babies}.  Holding and loving him was a gift that I know was straight from God himself.  Losing him hurt.  BAD!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and what 'might have been' had we had the chance to make him a forever part of our family.  I'm not sure what God had in mind when he thought I could handle giving him to his grandmother then going on to live the rest of my life without him...  But here I am.  Still.  A little piece of my heart is with that 2 year old boy... I know that God knew that Felix needed me more than I needed him.  I'm ok with that.  Then came sweet Daisy.  We had 12 months of giggles and her sweet smile. We handed her over to her adoptive family and here it is {almost} a year later and her adoption STILL is not finalized.  I know that God has a reason.  She's thriving.  We're ok.  Arizona and Lil' Man are on their way home this week to be reunited with their mother.  The purpose for them being here?  I'll never know...but deep down I know that they'll remember the singing and hugs and who knows?  Maybe they'll sing to their OWN kids one day.   Pickle has a mom who adores him and he is still young enough to not remember his time in care.  His foster mom and her family...WONDERFUL people.  But I can't help but remember her telling us when he came into care.  3am July 4th.  She said D*S*S called her twice because the first time she said no.  Our house was 'empty'.  We weren't called...once.  Later that day Arizona, Lil' Man and Owen were taken into care and I wasn't called then either.  I wasn't called until 2 days later.  God??? I know that if WE were called for Pickle he still would be going home.  And we'd be here getting ready to pack up his things and say goodbye...again.  Last week in our local paper there was a story of possible abuse and a 16 month old boy was brought into care.  Again, we weren't called.  Should I be worried?  Or should I just trust that God knows the desires of my heart and that He will fill it in HIS time and in HIS way...  It's SO easy to look at the situation and feel discouraged.  I refuse.  I am resting in knowing that when it's time...God will give us the greatest blessing we could ever imagine.  And until then... I'll wait. 

I can't begin to tell you HOW WONDERFUL it is to have a baby in the house.  Everyone is fighting over holding Pickle {in a good way} and he is eating up every bit of attention.  It seems like every time he does something he's waiting for a standing ovation. I'm sure some would consider this over-stimulation...but who cares!  We only have a few days left with him and we're enjoying EVERY minute!!! I fell onto this scripture the other day...through someone else's blog. I've heard it many times before but never really looked at the context...this version is from Eugene*Peterson*s 'The Message'. 

"If GOD doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks.  If GOD doesn't guard the city, the night watchman might as well nap."  Psalm 127:1

"It is USELESS to rise early and go to bed late, and work your worried fingers to the bone.  Don't you know HE enjoys giving REST to those HE loves?"  Psalm 127:2

"Don't you see that children are GOD'S best gift?  The fruit of the womb HIS generous legacy?  Like a warrior's fistful of arross are the children of a vigorous youth.  Oh, how BLESSED are YOU parents, with your quivers FULL of children!" Psalm 127:3-4

It just reminds me even though I KNOW that my desire to adopt is GOD GIVEN...it doesn't matter HOW MANY doors I try to 'break down' or how many windows to try to 'sneak in' to bring a baby into this house... HE IS IN CONTROL.  And to be blunt...I DON'T WANT to adopt if it's NOT HIS WILL for our family!!! When this little Pickle leaves we will be 'empty' again.  I'm ok with that.  I am FULLY trusting that in HIS time and in HIS way...HE will bring us that baby HE wants us to have ..IF IT'S HIS WILL!!!! He is faithful...

Pickle is back!  He did great with his mom for the weekend.  It's so nice to have something GOOD to tell about the foster care system.  His mom admitted that she 'messed up' but realized that Pickle is the best thing in her life and she's glad that her life is back in order.  I am SO happy for her.  Looking at the case now, he should be home in NO time!!!  I am thinking of telling her to keep my number is she needs anything.  She lives a few miles away.  Not sure if she'd like to put the whole foster care experience behind her but I think he's young enough not to remember anything.  I'll tell her later this week...she can do what she wants with my number...

Pickle is with his mom for the weekend.  He is missed :(

New post {and more picures} on the other blog :)
                                                                                       

Well, this little cutie {we'll call him Pickle} is doing SO good!! We are ALL having a wonderful time.  I cannot begin to tell you how well he has adjusted.  His foster mom said he is an easy baby and she was not kidding.  He is SO easy going.  He immediately went to my hubby when we went to pick him up and has not stopped smiling since.  He went down to bed last night without a peep.  He is SOOOO tiny.  He is only 18 pounds at 14 months old.  We walks and makes TONS of sounds.  And his smile...TO DIE FOR!!!  He is in the process of transitioning home.  We is spending alot of time with his mom during the next few days.  She seems to be working her case plan and I can't see him being in care for that much longer.  I don't see that too often so I am really SO proud of her!  He is a sweet boy and I'm glad that we have this chance to be a part of his life...however short it is.  More pictures on the other blog :p

HE'S HERE AND HE IS THE CUTEST THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We are ALL loving on him :)  More tomorrow...

Got a call this morning...for respite.  :)  I'll have 12 whole days with this little blessing!!
Woo hoo! Starts Wednesday.  14 months old and from what I hear...he's ADORABLE!!!  Looking forward to keeping busy! More soon...

I am crabby today :*( 

Kinda hopeless...

Kinda ready to give up...

Trying to be positive...it's not easy...

Pray for me :(

New post on the other blog...

I don't want you to be happy...

Please go on over and check out this post.
It's my heart coming off of someone else's blog page.
Amazing!!!

Please come back and comment...I'd LOVE a discussion.... :)

http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-dont-want-my-children-to-be-happy.html

Some new posts on the OTHER blog... :)

"My friends, adoption is redemption.

It's costly, exhausting, expensive and outrageous.

Buying back lives costs so much.

When God set out to redeem us...

it killed Him."

-Derek Loux

I know that God has a reason for our house to be 'empty' right now. I am truly enjoying getting things done without the emotional drama that foster care brings. The dreams and plans that I have for a little boy who I have yet to meet...oh, they're still there. I am really learning to trust God more and more each day. We say that this 'walk' is like a roller coaster but no one ever mentions that we choose to ride. I know that we can be 'let off' whenever we ask. I remember the night we were called for Daisy. The excitement of a new little one in the house was more than we could handle. Shopping for diapers, bottles and clothes was fun but waking up to this precious little face was amazing. I have had enough of sleeping in and doing what I want when I want it. I'm ready to hear "you have your hands full" again. But only God truly knows what I want and what's best for me. So, for now, I'm still waiting for that phone to ring. But while I wait I am getting things done. Many are the plans in the heart of a man but it is God's will that will prevail. :)

Posted on the other blog :)

New post on the other blog...

In my 5 years as a foster parent I have only seen ONE child {Buddy} reunited with their BIRTH mother. It baffles me how the system holds these kids for 15 months but I know that it does sometimes work for their benefit and call me opinionated but I think that in MOST cases...adoption is the ONLY way to keep these kids safe. Arizona and Lil' Man's mother, Hope, called today. She asked me a question about something regarding the boys. I asked her how they were doing. She informed me that they were scheduled to be HOME with HER as of April 1st. She said that they have already started over nights and unsupervised visits. I am beyond proud of her. While I DO believe that she'll have her hands full, I know that she adores her boys and is willing to get them what they need to thrive. I told her that is she needed ANYTHING...to call me. I would LOVE to be a resource for her.
I feel like a proud mama :)

I made a call the the home finder up at D*S*S yesterday. Just wanted to make sure I was still on the 'radar'. She reminded me that I turned down the last 3 calls. She also said that only girls or older boys have been coming into care. At least we're still on the list. I know I said we'd only foster till November but if we don't get a placement soon...I might just move that up to June. I don't think that emotionally I can do this for another 5 years. It's a hard road to walk and I don't think it'll get any easier on the kids. I rest in knowing that God has a plan.

New post on the other blog :)

It may be unfulfilled. It may be unrestored. But when ANYTHING that's shattered is laid before the Lord just watch and see. It will not be unredeemed.

I've really been 'chewing' on these words and getting a deeper understanding of what trust really is. I know that God is working behind the scenes in my behalf and I am trying to be patient and at peace. He is FAITHFUL!!!

Check the OTHER blog :)

Posted again on the other blog :)

New post on the other blog :)

New post on the other blog...

It has been a while since we've had a call for the placement of a child. I'm actually ok with that. It's much easier to wait than to have to say no. To be honest, occasionally I DO find myself WAITING for the phone to ring. But seriously, sometimes I put the kids on the bus and go straight back to BED! My husband calls it depression...I call it using time wisely. :) Anyway, there are times that I daydream about the 'call'. But right now I'm just trying to find 'myself' again. We've had toddlers in the house for the past 4 years and it's taking a while to remember what to do with all the 'me' time. My hubby and I have many lunch dates or conversations that are uninterrupted...and times like that are PRICELESS. I have had numerous {one-sided} conversations with God about how awesome it will be when He FINALLY fills this desire. I have told numerous people about how I firmly believe that God has given me this desire to adopt and how I FIRMLY believe that HE WILL fulfill it. I have used EVERY opportunity in our adoption journey to tell people about my faith in God and how HE ALONE has brought me through the HARDEST times in my life. I think my testimony is pretty amazing. I can only wait to add to it when we finally DO adopt. Sometimes I try to 'explain' to God how HE'LL receive ALL the glory when we adopt because SO MANY people are following us on this adoption journey. I have a VERY specific list of requirements and this child {I believe} will fit PERFECTLY!!! I know that God can go above and beyond ANYTHING I can EVER imagine. I serve a BIG GOD! So, really. I'm not worried that the phone hasn't been ringing. Even if it doesn't. Ever. I'm ok. I KNOW that God has good things planned for us.

Be anxious for NOTHING....

-Philippians 4:6

I'm not worried...God's got my back! :)

New post on the OTHER blog :0)

Random... {or NOT so random}

The caseworker called this morning. He's writing a report for the boys' {Arizona & Lil' Man} court date next month. I took the liberty to ask about the boys. They have been gone almost 6 weeks and I figured if I wasn't privileged to this info...he'd tell me. He said they're doing well in their new home. Visits have been extended to a 4 hour unsupervised visit. I am glad to see that Hope is progressing in her case plan. He mentioned that the boys have a hard time going back to their foster*homes after the visits but I think that's to be expected. Not sure if reunification is on the near horizon but either way WE are at peace with our decision in moving them.

On the adoption front... I have not had any calls from the home finder and I'm ok with that. I'm still working on getting some things in order so that when that call DOES come...we're more than ready. I have also contacted an adoption*agency and will be meeting with them early next month. :)
I am hopeful, with each passing day, that we are closer to finding out exactly WHAT {who} God has for our family.

I wanted to explain why I made the decision to call D*S*S on Baby 'C's mom. I think I'll feel better if you understand my heart. Baby 'C' was placed with us from another foster home at 4 months old. He had already been in care for 2 months. He was a shaken*baby. There were NO allegations...someone actually SAW his father shake him and his mother stand there and do NOTHING. When asked about this incident, she said that it NEVER happened. These people are transient and have never had a stable place to live. Baby 'C' was brought home from the hospital to a motel room. Baby 'C' was the youngest of 6 {between both parents} at the time of his birth. His former foster mother requested to have him moved because she couldn't handle his high pitched scream. {First red flag} Of course, as our first placement, I was THRILLED to take an infant boy. and thought LOVE could heal ALL his problems. (Pride comes before a fall) He never made good eye contact {2nd red flag} and would arch his back when held close. {3rd flag}. After months and months of therapies and doctors appointments they labeled him severely globally delayed (duh). When it came down whether or not we wanted to adopt him we HAD NO CHOICE but to say no. He was so delayed and we don't think he was able to bond with us. My husband and I felt that we had done the most we could for him and we were scared for his future. His adoptive family is wonderful. A few months after his adoption was finalized his bio mom told me she was pregnant. Same father. They still didn't have somewhere to bring this baby home to. Most of the time I saw them hanging out on the street because they admitted that where they were staying was only good enough to sleep there. I called D*S*S when Sweet Pea was born. Baby 'C's FULL BIO baby sister. I explained my concerns to D*S*S and at that time I found out that I wasn't the only one who had concerns. Sweet Pea was taken from her mothers arms when she was less than 24 hours old. Bio dad threw a tantrum in the hospital and was escorted from the building. He was unable to be with bio mom for the rest of her stay in the hospital. {She had a c-section} Although they are dysfunctional...they DO love each other and had been through more than most couples I know. Anyway, Baby 'C's adoptive family brought Sweet Pea home with them as their new foster daughter. Fast forward exactly 15 months and she is now their adopted daughter. Sweet Pea is stable and secure. She is normal and healthy. The fear of bio mom bringing this new baby home from the hospital to the chaos that is her life...it's a VERY scary thought. Especially when whatever potential danger COULD BE AVOIDED!!! Bio mom is now living in the next state and D*S*S is aware of what county she is in. Phone calls will be made and whatever CAN be done to save this new baby from a life of instability and pain...WILL BE DONE. I think that bio mom trusts me and knows that I am looking out for her best interest. She never has had stability in her own life and is a product of the system herself. This new baby is not a full bio sibling. That is a part of the story I have yet to hear. I have been looking for bio mom whenever I am in that part of town. I really made that call as a preventative measure. I am scared for that baby.

I did it. I called D*S*S and informed them that Baby 'C's bio mom is expecting a baby. It turns out that the home finder was Sweet Pea's caseworker. She was a bit shocked to hear the news but I'm sure it will NOT fall on deaf ears. Updates to come as soon as I hear something...

It never ends.

Yesterday, I found out that Baby 'C's bio mom is pregnant. This will make a total of 6 kids (none of which she has custody of). Last I knew she was living in the next state over comes back to this area OFTEN {daily} because she "didn't know anyone over there". Then WHY did she move, you ask?? {I KNOW you REALLY wanna know this}. Because (I KNOW you're NOT supposed to start a sentence with because...BUT this situation calls for it!) Anyway...BECAUSE she cannot qualify for social services in our state anymore. She tapped them out!!! When I saw her back in November she mentioned that Baby 'C's bio father is still in prison and wasn't being released until later this Spring (2010). She also mentioned that she hadn't seen him (bio dad) since he left for prison May 2009 that she wanted to have another baby. I guess she didn't want to wait for bio dad to get out of jail. :P About a month ago my hubby saw her walking through town with a HUGE black eye and I was told (by my source) that she also had strangulation marks on her neck. Not sure what I should do with this info. Do I contact D*S*S? The supervisor that placed Baby 'C' with us is no longer working there. Do I contact Baby 'C's adoptive parents to see if they're willing to adopt another baby so we can make sure the kids are all together?? Do I just sit here and wonder how this whole thing will play out??? Ok, yup! That's what I'll do. :)

Read about a shortened version of Baby 'C's life in foster care ... Scroll down to the archives to June 1, 2009. There are 4 or 5 posts about our time with him.

Got a call for 2 little ones this morning. A (just) 2 year old boy and his (just) 1 year old baby sister. (12 months apart) Home finder had NO information on them. NO reason WHY they're coming into care. I asked to call her back so we could talk it over. (See!!! I'm learning!) We decided that since we really don't have any info on the situation, that maybe this wasn't the right case for us. Of course, I imagined 2 cribs, double strollers and diapers :) All of which I would GLADLY so...but then I remembered 2 little boys from not so long ago and thought of the tantrums, throwing of toys and holes in the bedroom walls. And I said "thank you anyway...but please keep us on the list". :) I am learning.

~UNDER CONSTRUCTION!~

Looking for a new blog background.

Be patient... {please} :)

Have you ever had to make a split second decision that you KNEW you might regret...for the rest of your life??? I had to turn down a placement today. I've second guessed myself since I hung up the phone. A 4 year old boy. Removed from mom, placed with dad.
Now taken from dad and put into care. Drugs. Aut*i*sm, P*D*D...scary stuff. It sounds like it might have ended with adoption. But I'm not sure if we could handle those things. The clothes I have stocked here only go up to 3T and the toddler bed is gone. We are more ready for a baby. But I can't stop thinking of the difference I could have made. I pray that God sends this boy to a home where he will ALWAYS know that he is treasured and loved...I hate saying no but I know my limits. We couldn't handle another "Arizona" right now. I know that God has a plan and I am praying He gives me peace in this decision.

A friend of mine over at http://itspewsforth.blogspot.com/2010/01/return-of-our-stolen-blessing.html has been beyond blessed. 'H' is a true friend and a MIGHTY woman of God. Her family has been given the opportunity to adopt {and bring BACK into their family} a child they have previously fostered. Go on over, check out her story and pray about chipping in to speed up sweet Rylan's adoption process. Every dollar counts!

I am SO excited for them!!!

A week has gone by and it's scary how our family life has gotten back to a new normal. Laundry is kept up, floors are clean and dishes are done. Does that mean I can't handle more children? No, just that I'm BORED :) I think about the boys quite often...wondering if their needs are being met. I know God has a plan. We did our part. Most of the 'stock' clothes that I have for our foster babies is packed up and ready to be put away. I was going to go through everything and weed out some things but I'll wait till next week. This past week with my family was wonderful. We were able to spend one on one time with each of our children and for that I am grateful. I have been thinking about what to do regarding the blog. A while back I started a blog that I was going to use for when we adopted and from time to time I journal my thoughts on our 'adoption process' {or therein LACK OF}. I was thinking about giving you all access. If you're interested, send me an email. Savingthestarfish@gmail.com I will be making that blog private. It's a bit more about my family than foster care. I try to be very vague on this blog so I can leave it public. I am so thankful for the friends that I've made through this blog and it's not going anywhere but for right now, since we don't have a foster*child...there's not much to blog about. I am on Facebook. Drop me an email and I'll give you the info.

Today I went for a drive up to the D*S*S office to bring some items I found that belonged to the boys. I wasn't sure what to expect as you could imagine the feelings of guilt that were going through my head. The caseworker met me in the lobby {I called him when I was on my way} and he was with the home finder. I was a bit nervous because I thought maybe something was wrong with the boys. I handed the caseworker the items and the home finder asked if she could talk to me in private. The things that ran through my head in that moment are a blur. But she asked if we'd considered fostering girls. She had 5 & 6 year sisters she needed a placement for. I had to decline because the dynamics of my bio family would change in HUGE way. She said something about wanting them with us because we were an established, well-rounded family and she thought they'd thrive. {At least that's what I got out of the conversation} ") I told her only if it would be a short term placement and she said that it wouldn't. So, of course, I prayed for these little girls ALL morning. I prayed that God would place them where HE wanted them as it seems that they might be adoptable and they obviously need stability. I prayed that he would give them HIS peace in this time of transition and uncertainty. I was sure to let the home finder know that we are still open for 2 placements but we would definitely prefer them to be boys {and preferably babies} :) So, we ARE still on the list and waiting...

I worry about what their little minds must be thinking and what they're going through.
Although I know I made the right decision for my family...it's killing me knowing these babies are scared and confused.

I'm struggling. Please pray.

The boys are gone. My heart is heavy with many feelings and I wish I had the right words to express it all so I could get it all out and feel better. But I'm sure that will take a lot more than a blog post. We tried to explain to Arizona why we were packing but he just went about his playing and it wasn't until we were in the car on the way to dropping them off that we understood why he wasn't upset. I guess he thought we was going to my friend's house. A friend of mine and his new foster mom have very similar names. He and my friend's son have played together and he asked if her son would be there. I then realized that THAT'S where he thought he was going to go stay. We tried to correct him but then we felt that maybe it would be easier if we just left it alone. We transferred everything to their new foster mother's car and then put the boys in their car seats. That's when it all came undone. Lil' Man started screaming and trying to get out of his car seat in this new woman's car. Arizona just sat there looking back and forth at me at my husband and Lil' Man {who was screaming!}. We kissed them both and told them we loved them and with tears in our eyes we got into our car and drove away. Not sure where that leaves us in the foster*care world. Are we still foster parents? Will D*S*S still call us even though it was OUR decision that made the boys move??? Do we WANT to go through this again? Can our hearts take this anymore?? Where is God in all this and what is HIS plan for our family?? I am not at peace with where they placed the boys and I was told {by this lady} that they eventually want to transition Owen into her home {again} too. Oh, did I mention that they placed the boys into the home that Owen was previously in? Yup. The home that I was so uneasy with him being in because of all the teenagers and the lack of nurturing. That's the one. There is nothing I can do for them...but pray. I am ok with the fact that they are not here because my family really needed to get back to basics. The boys left holes in the walls and stains on the carpet as a physical reminder that they were here but having the opportunity to have a conversation with my kids without being interrupted by the boys' fighting is priceless. It has only been a little more than 24 hours and it's been hard adjusting back to a new normal. I cannot second guess my decision. We needed to step back to really see the mess they were causing in our family. I don't know how this lady thinks that she can handle the 3 of them but hey, more power to her if she thinks she can! Even just these 2 were like lighter fluid and fire. Owen was worse than the 2 of them put together. I know that God has a plan and we fulfilled His plan for these boys in the time frame that He gave us. It was not an easy decision to let them go but there was no peace here. Now there is. Like I said before, I'm not sure what to expect from D*S*S but we have had the conversation about the next possible call already. We had chosen to be EXTREMELY selective regarding the next placement {should D*S*S call us}. Our girls have had a really hard time with the boys leaving and understanding what will happen next. It's kind of hard to answer when I don't know myself. Only HE knows and I rest assured HE is in control.