..."They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored but when ANYTHING that shattered is layed before the Lord just watch and see, it WILL NOT be unredeemed." ~Selah

Some days are definitely harder than others with the boys. One day Arizona will be asking for his brother and they'll play for hours together and the next day I can't keep them from fighting, biting, pulling hair or throwing things at each other. I know that school has really helped their relationship. They look for each other more and have more better moments when they are together but I fear for what the future holds for the both of them when they go home. I don't think that Hope realizes what a task it will be to raise 3 boys this close in age and keep the peace in the house at the same time. I have an amazing husband and he is wonderful with the boys but Hope doesn't have this and I wonder how this will effect her parenting on a daily basis.

Lil' Man got his tubes last week and is repeating us a lot more. He still seems very angry and I know only God can heal his little heart. Arizona is learning to do many new things at school and he almost seems age appropriate in communicating his needs and wants. I do enjoy the little things that make each of them special. Arizona loves a tight hug and kiss in the morning and Lil' Man loves to be held instead of walking. I have no problem with that since I really don't know what every day life was like for them before they came here. Their personalities are revealed more with each passing day and I take comfort in knowing that whatever damage was done prior to them coming in to care can be reversed with love, time and prayer. I enjoy time alone with each little one knowing that they thrive on someone building up their self esteem. It has taken 3 months to get to this point where I know they care when I am disappointed and they know when I am proud.
Only time will tell what their future holds... While I wait to see, I'm enjoying trains, belly laughs, boy 'noises', walking with little chubby hands in mine and goodnight snuggles before bed. :)

"I am one person. How can I possibly change the world???"

That thought went through my head last night as I got Arizona up for school and encouraged him to eat his breakfast. That thought went through my head as I put him on the bus and prayed that God would protect his body and mind from harm. That thought went through my head as I waved while the bus drove away. That thought went through my head as I peeked in on Lil' Man and heard him singing in his crib. That thought went through my head as I dressed him and he hugged my neck. That thought went through my head as I got ready for my day and had 2 extra beds to make. That thought went through my head as I watched Arizona and Lil' Man play together in the bath and share the toys with hardly any fighting. That thought went through my head as I dressed them for bed and Arizona asked me to rub his tummy and kiss his head. That thought went through my head as I snuggled Lil' Man and kissed him goodnight. That thought went through my head as I closed the door on another day that God blessed me with to make a difference in the life of a child.

:::October 17:::

Here I am, checking in! We're still here. The boys spent most of last week in respite because my family and I were out of town. It was some well needed time off and I was able to sit back and reflect and clear my thoughts. The boys stayed with the same respite family as they did last time. I am SO at peace knowing the boys are in good hands. I was SO blessed to meet this family. I got a note from the home finder at D*S*S today. She let me know she got my message and will keep us in mind of a baby becomes available. (Even though we have the boys right now, we know they'll most likely be going home) This could take weeks, months or even years. God knows the desires of my heart and He knows what I can handle. I will wait on HIM! :) School is going great and both boys are really thriving. I can see changes daily and I am SO glad I did not give up on them. I will be the first to tell you that this walk 'on the beach' has not been easy. I have struggles in my faith and cried my eyes out questioning God. Sometimes He is SO quiet that I wonder if He's even here...but I know the truth. It's been Him carrying me. I am thoroughly enjoying the 'blue' aspect of having boys in the house. They both enjoy trains and cars. They push them around the house and it's hysterical to hear some of the boy sounds that they make. My girls never did this. Lil' Man is still showing alot of his anger in ways that scare me at times. I don't know how to help him heal. Arizona is starting to understand the rules of this house and is doing well with routine. His prior diagnosis of A*D*D may be wrong. He is not on any meds and if it were up to me I'd have him re-tested. I have taken most sugars and 'garbage' foods out of his diet. He is on a regular sleep routine with a nap (almost) daily. I have seen a change mostly in him since day 1. They both sleep through the night and I am thankful for that. The next few weeks I will be able to reward them with fun stuff like pumpkin picking and cider donuts. Arizona is thrilled to be celebrating his birthday in the next few weeks. Truth be told, it will be extremely hard to hand them over. It's getting harder every day to have that though go through my head. But I know that all things work together for good. So even though my human mind (thinks) it has all the answers...
my heart knows the truth!

Beck...Get in touch! I'd LOVE an invite to your blog. There is a link to my email on my profile page... Thanks :)

The only thought going through my head is...I wish I were someplace else.

Today was a hard day. I took Arizona and Lil' Man to Owen's birthday party. (Owen is their older brother placed with another family.)
Chaos.
Mass Chaos.
For anonymity purposes I will not disclose the type of party it was or where it was held. Hope was there and so was most of her family. I won't go into detail of why I feel the way I do because I am still mighty angry about the way I was treated and 'stared' at by her family. Lets suffice it to say that while I don't doubt the love that Hope has for her boys...I DO doubt her abilities to parent. After today, I feel like she is putting on a show for the caseworkers. I saw her amongst her family and was not impressed at how she left her 2 & 1 year old sons to their own devices in a public place. She and her family (hopefully one day) WILL come to the understanding that it was NOT MY actions that placed these babies in foster*care. The fact that NOT ONE of the family members that were at the party today would not step up to keep these boys from going into care makes me ANGRY! Then they have the audacity to look at me as if I'M the bad guy! Arizona threw a HUGE tantrum and I handled it just like I would if I were home. I did the best I could to 'diffuse' him and redirect and (in my opinion) I handled it perfectly. He even got to the point where he stopped crying, held my hand and walked away with a smile on his face.
The looks from the family...that's another story.

But you know what? That wasn't the worst part. I didn't HAVE to go. To be honest, I'm not even sure I was ALLOWED ( by D*S*S) to be there.
I felt unappreciated and 'dirty'.
I SO want to be done with these feelings.
I am NOT looking forward to the raw emotion when I have to hand these babies back to their mother who is not ready to parent her children.
I am not ready to worry day and night about if their needs are being met or if they'll be taken into custody again.
I am not ready to have ALL the love, time and effort it has taken my family to help heal these boys be UNDONE in an instant when I have to hand them back.
After today I can honestly say that although I am 'only the foster parent', I am NOT 100% in agreement that Hope can affectively (ever) parent her boys. She has NOT yet fully taken responsibility for her boys coming into care and right now I CANNOT give her ANY emotional support until SHE PROVES TO ME that she can handle these precious little lives. No parent is perfect...I understand that. But these boys deserve SO much more than she seems willing to give right now. That's just my opinion... But I'm 'only the foster parent'...