Got a call for 2 little ones this morning. A (just) 2 year old boy and his (just) 1 year old baby sister. (12 months apart) Home finder had NO information on them. NO reason WHY they're coming into care. I asked to call her back so we could talk it over. (See!!! I'm learning!) We decided that since we really don't have any info on the situation, that maybe this wasn't the right case for us. Of course, I imagined 2 cribs, double strollers and diapers :) All of which I would GLADLY so...but then I remembered 2 little boys from not so long ago and thought of the tantrums, throwing of toys and holes in the bedroom walls. And I said "thank you anyway...but please keep us on the list". :) I am learning.

~UNDER CONSTRUCTION!~

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Be patient... {please} :)

Have you ever had to make a split second decision that you KNEW you might regret...for the rest of your life??? I had to turn down a placement today. I've second guessed myself since I hung up the phone. A 4 year old boy. Removed from mom, placed with dad.
Now taken from dad and put into care. Drugs. Aut*i*sm, P*D*D...scary stuff. It sounds like it might have ended with adoption. But I'm not sure if we could handle those things. The clothes I have stocked here only go up to 3T and the toddler bed is gone. We are more ready for a baby. But I can't stop thinking of the difference I could have made. I pray that God sends this boy to a home where he will ALWAYS know that he is treasured and loved...I hate saying no but I know my limits. We couldn't handle another "Arizona" right now. I know that God has a plan and I am praying He gives me peace in this decision.

A friend of mine over at http://itspewsforth.blogspot.com/2010/01/return-of-our-stolen-blessing.html has been beyond blessed. 'H' is a true friend and a MIGHTY woman of God. Her family has been given the opportunity to adopt {and bring BACK into their family} a child they have previously fostered. Go on over, check out her story and pray about chipping in to speed up sweet Rylan's adoption process. Every dollar counts!

I am SO excited for them!!!

A week has gone by and it's scary how our family life has gotten back to a new normal. Laundry is kept up, floors are clean and dishes are done. Does that mean I can't handle more children? No, just that I'm BORED :) I think about the boys quite often...wondering if their needs are being met. I know God has a plan. We did our part. Most of the 'stock' clothes that I have for our foster babies is packed up and ready to be put away. I was going to go through everything and weed out some things but I'll wait till next week. This past week with my family was wonderful. We were able to spend one on one time with each of our children and for that I am grateful. I have been thinking about what to do regarding the blog. A while back I started a blog that I was going to use for when we adopted and from time to time I journal my thoughts on our 'adoption process' {or therein LACK OF}. I was thinking about giving you all access. If you're interested, send me an email. Savingthestarfish@gmail.com I will be making that blog private. It's a bit more about my family than foster care. I try to be very vague on this blog so I can leave it public. I am so thankful for the friends that I've made through this blog and it's not going anywhere but for right now, since we don't have a foster*child...there's not much to blog about. I am on Facebook. Drop me an email and I'll give you the info.

Today I went for a drive up to the D*S*S office to bring some items I found that belonged to the boys. I wasn't sure what to expect as you could imagine the feelings of guilt that were going through my head. The caseworker met me in the lobby {I called him when I was on my way} and he was with the home finder. I was a bit nervous because I thought maybe something was wrong with the boys. I handed the caseworker the items and the home finder asked if she could talk to me in private. The things that ran through my head in that moment are a blur. But she asked if we'd considered fostering girls. She had 5 & 6 year sisters she needed a placement for. I had to decline because the dynamics of my bio family would change in HUGE way. She said something about wanting them with us because we were an established, well-rounded family and she thought they'd thrive. {At least that's what I got out of the conversation} ") I told her only if it would be a short term placement and she said that it wouldn't. So, of course, I prayed for these little girls ALL morning. I prayed that God would place them where HE wanted them as it seems that they might be adoptable and they obviously need stability. I prayed that he would give them HIS peace in this time of transition and uncertainty. I was sure to let the home finder know that we are still open for 2 placements but we would definitely prefer them to be boys {and preferably babies} :) So, we ARE still on the list and waiting...

I worry about what their little minds must be thinking and what they're going through.
Although I know I made the right decision for my family...it's killing me knowing these babies are scared and confused.

I'm struggling. Please pray.

The boys are gone. My heart is heavy with many feelings and I wish I had the right words to express it all so I could get it all out and feel better. But I'm sure that will take a lot more than a blog post. We tried to explain to Arizona why we were packing but he just went about his playing and it wasn't until we were in the car on the way to dropping them off that we understood why he wasn't upset. I guess he thought we was going to my friend's house. A friend of mine and his new foster mom have very similar names. He and my friend's son have played together and he asked if her son would be there. I then realized that THAT'S where he thought he was going to go stay. We tried to correct him but then we felt that maybe it would be easier if we just left it alone. We transferred everything to their new foster mother's car and then put the boys in their car seats. That's when it all came undone. Lil' Man started screaming and trying to get out of his car seat in this new woman's car. Arizona just sat there looking back and forth at me at my husband and Lil' Man {who was screaming!}. We kissed them both and told them we loved them and with tears in our eyes we got into our car and drove away. Not sure where that leaves us in the foster*care world. Are we still foster parents? Will D*S*S still call us even though it was OUR decision that made the boys move??? Do we WANT to go through this again? Can our hearts take this anymore?? Where is God in all this and what is HIS plan for our family?? I am not at peace with where they placed the boys and I was told {by this lady} that they eventually want to transition Owen into her home {again} too. Oh, did I mention that they placed the boys into the home that Owen was previously in? Yup. The home that I was so uneasy with him being in because of all the teenagers and the lack of nurturing. That's the one. There is nothing I can do for them...but pray. I am ok with the fact that they are not here because my family really needed to get back to basics. The boys left holes in the walls and stains on the carpet as a physical reminder that they were here but having the opportunity to have a conversation with my kids without being interrupted by the boys' fighting is priceless. It has only been a little more than 24 hours and it's been hard adjusting back to a new normal. I cannot second guess my decision. We needed to step back to really see the mess they were causing in our family. I don't know how this lady thinks that she can handle the 3 of them but hey, more power to her if she thinks she can! Even just these 2 were like lighter fluid and fire. Owen was worse than the 2 of them put together. I know that God has a plan and we fulfilled His plan for these boys in the time frame that He gave us. It was not an easy decision to let them go but there was no peace here. Now there is. Like I said before, I'm not sure what to expect from D*S*S but we have had the conversation about the next possible call already. We had chosen to be EXTREMELY selective regarding the next placement {should D*S*S call us}. Our girls have had a really hard time with the boys leaving and understanding what will happen next. It's kind of hard to answer when I don't know myself. Only HE knows and I rest assured HE is in control.