Guess who is 13 months old!?!?!  Where did the time go???

In between court and stress my sweet boy turned 13 whole months old.  He is an amazing boy...and SO smart!!!  He is growing SO fast... 

*  He can now sleep through the night in his crib (in his OWN room)!!!
*  Walk (and run) :)
*  Eat most table foods and LOVES everything.  He's had lobster, scallops and even asparagus.
*  He is still in size 4 diaper and now in 12-18 month pants and shirts (some 18-24 shirts)
*  Can sign 'more', 'eat', 'bath' & 'please'.
*  Sprout can nod his head 'yes' (but it's usually with his WHOLE body!)
*  He can tell you what the puppy says, what sound a dinosaur makes and 'moo' and 'meow' like a cow and cat. 
*  He knows how to sing 'If you're happy and you know it' and LOVES Barney songs (yes! we are a Barney loving house!) 
*  He still takes a bottle and the Dr recently put him back on Nutram1gen for the next 2 months. 
*  This boy is still a mama snugglin', paci lovin' boy. 

He knows he is loved!!

I wish I was able to look at the circumstance and tell you what is going to happen.  It was SO easy for me to tell Michelle that all she had to do was wait and those sweet baby girls would be hers.  Sometimes it's SO easy to SEE it.  I guess I am just too far into it and I know how much I have to lose.  From what I heard at court the goal is still return-to-parent.  Looks like we will be losing our sweet Sprout.  My heart is breaking but I know that God is calling me to stand up and trust Him.  I cannot begin to tell you how hard it is to do that!  I want to be able to tell you that even if Sprout leaves us, God is STILL FAITHFUL.  Right now, I want to crawl up in a ball and sleep...for the next 4 months.  The things I called Sprouts lawyer about didn't even make it into the court room.  My mountain is big, my friends...HUGE. 

But my God is bigger. 

I know that if He called me to walk this road, there is a reason.  I find myself justifying my feelings.  "If he leaves then we just pick up and move on".  "No more diapers, no more strollers".  But NO ONE can ever replace the boy we've come to know as our son.  This is THE HARDEST thing I've EVER done.  Not the fostering part.  Taking care of someone else's baby day after day is not hard.  Even handing that sweet baby back over to his/her parents...not hard at all. 

It's the planning.  The dreams.

The dreams that I had for our family included this sweet boy.  The future family pictures I saw him in.    The soccer games we would have gone to and told everyone "that's MY boy!".

And I know it's going to take the death of those dreams for God to really get my attention...because they were all I have.  With those plans I made for myself (and for my sweet boy) gone...I have nothing but to turn my eyes up and ask HIM to show me HIS plans for me.  I really can't imagine my life without him but I truly can't imagine my life without Him MORE. 

We go back in 4 months.  Nothing has changed but everything has changed.  I feel like I am at day ONE.  My heart is broken but like a precious heirloom vase that has been shattered I know that this is when God can truly use those pieces to let little bits of Him seep out and bless others.

Heard this and it really made me think... 
Still working on an answer.  I've been holding on as tight as I can...with an open hand.

If I lost it all would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away? 

Court tomorrow.  PLEASE pray...

Complete and utter frustration when the agency worker dropped Sprout off from his 4 hours visit yesterday. His visit is from 9am to 1pm.  She didn't feed him breakfast OR lunch.  Her excuses...you asK?!?!   "Well, I offered him peaches and he didn't want them and then he slept through lunch...."    

It doesn't take more than a few words from the agency worker to get me fired up.  I have been sharing my concerns for Sprout with him and since court is next week I figured that he'd better hear it now instead of in the court room.  There are MANY concerns I have regarding his safety and bio mom's ability to anticipate any safety issues that might come up when he is in her care.  She can barely take care of herself let alone him.  There are also feeding issues and although they are probably not going to take them seriously (because at least she is attempting to feed him) I will still open my mouth and voice them hoping someone hears my 'mommy's heart' for this boy and wanting the very best for him.  I called Sprout's lawyer and voiced all my concerns and she said she has had to deal with bio mom on the cases of her other children (there is no conflict) and she has many concerns too.  I feel much better about the fact that I said something NOW instead of waiting until AFTER court next week.  What I DON'T understand is how the agency worker can tell me that since there are still safety issues at bio mom's house they might be ending the visit early tomorrow.  Well, WHY is he going there in the first place??!! AND for an UNsupervised visit nonetheless!??!?! I am so conflicted as to where my heart is in this.  As a foster parent I KNOW I should be advocating for his safety but as his 'mommy' I want to make sure they check EVERY AREA of her life prior to reunification.  Giving her these next 6 months to see if she does continue to make her visits and keep him safe will show her 'true colors' and it will tell is she can truly put Sprout first.  But to me, 6 months seems like a long time to wait when she already has other children that are no longer with her and adopted out.  She surrendered her rights to them when she got pregnant with Sprout.  I have admitted the cardinal $in of fostering...I want my Sprout to stay FOREVER.  I love him as if I birthed him myself.  The love that I have for this boy has been growing for 7 years...before I ever held him in my arms.  But loving him means wanting the very best for him and I truly don't think she can give that...  God has this sweet boys future in His hand I am learning that I have to trust Him.  Did you know that I am a control freak!?!?  Handing over control and putting all my trust in the unknown future is scary...  If I didn't know that God has amazing plans for us (and Sprout) that are good...I'd be freaking out right now...even more than I already am :)

I know it's been a while since I've posted last but there's been a lot going on and I've needed time to sort it all out and deal with it before actually posting about it.  Early last week the agency worker called to tell me that the permanency report paperwork was sent out and if I had any questions when I received it that I could call her.  When I asked her if there was anything in there that I should be worried about I was extremely anxious at her hesitation to answer.  She explained that they cannot put that Sprout is 'in a pre-adoptive home' because it would contradict that they (the county) are working their hardest to help reunify Sprout and his mom.  Since our last court date (in November) his mom has only missed 2 visits (as opposed to missing visits more often than not for the 7 months prior).  Since she is doing better we will go back to court in 6 months rather than every 3 (like we've been doing since July).  Kind of ironic that the court paperwork was being written up as the new county worker observed (thru one way glass) his bio mom being inappropriate with him at a visit this week.  I reminded her that he has UNsupervised visits for 4 hours 2 days a week at her house...  If you don't like what you're seeing at an unsupervised visit at D$$ then maybe we should reconsider the visit schedule...  Anyway, she said that going back to court in 6 months might be a bit much for mom to keep up her 'mom of the year' act and she'll give up.  Did anyone think that maybe their plan might backfire, she'll do ok and get him back by the skin of her teeth!?!?!  Then we'd have to wait for something to happen to him or his safety to be in jeopardy to get him back in care.  Who wants that to happen!??!  Not me!! The county worker also told me that in 6 months that might give her enough time to get into trouble so I really have nothing to worry about.  (Yeah...right)  So, court is at the end of the month.  We have to wait and see what Sprout's lawyer has to say (I will call to meet up with her and explain my concerns) and what the judge will decide (because I was told that he can over rule the county's decision).  As of our court date Sprout will be in care for 13 months...his whole life.  I am praying so hard for God's will for our family to be clear.  For God to give us peace if we are to release this boy or the strength to fight like he11 to keep him.  But even then, I know as hard as I am praying to keep him...his mother is praying for him to come home.  You tell ME what's fair....

When I picked up Sprout for his visit this week his mom told me that were adding hours to her visit.  She also informed me that of the extended visits went well she would get over nights.  I called to double check that she got that right and yes.  They are upping her hours because in order for them to look good in court that HAVE TO.  But over nights are months away.  She still does not work and have no income aside from $$i.  During a 3 hour visit (around lunchtime) she was feeding him kool-aid and goldfish.  The county worker asked her where she got the food from and she said from a food pantry.  I fear for what his life would be if he were returned to her....

So much going on this past week.  Peanut is almost definitely leaving in June to go live with his aunt.  CP$ from our county has been in close contact with CP$ in her state and they are telling me that I.C.PC (Interstate Compact) will take about 6 months.  Peanut is growing well and since his formula change he is a happier boy.  I know he's already gained over a pound in the 3 weeks he's been here. He's grown (length) too.   Can't wait to see what happens with him...

Sprout had his one year check up and bio mom did show up for the appointment.  The only thing she was concerned with was how things will look in court.  She has never been one to ask how he is doing or what he likes.  It frustrates me to think that she has the potential to get him back when she really doesn't 'get it'.  Sprout is now 20 pounds.  He had to have 4 shots and was not a happy boy.  I felt so bad that I couldn't even hold him.  At one point he was screaming and she was so flustered that she couldn't calm him down.  You'd think that mothering instinct would kick and but I truly don't think she has any of that.  The agency worker was there and did observe the same things that I did.  She gets clearly stressed when he is fussing and won't calm down.  At one point after his shots I took him and he snuggled into me and calmed down immediately.  His next court date is in a few weeks.  Not sure what will happen with his case.  Hoping bio mom's lack of ability to care for him comes to the light before then.