How nice would it be to be snuggling a sweet smelling little baby right now??? Or holding the chubby hand of a sweaty little toddler while he explores the yard...
I wish I could read ahead to the end and tell you what will happen. Oh, how I wish I knew. Every day that goes by makes me trust Him a little bit more. I have asked and prayed and I guess I should just be still.

WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried;

Quietly, patiently lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to fate,

And the Master so gently, said, "Child you must wait."

"Wait"? You say, "wait," my indignant reply,

Lord I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate, Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?

I'm needing a "yes," a go-ahead sign, Or even a "no," to which I can resign.

And Lord, you promised that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry, I'm weary of asking, I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate;

As my Master replied, once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, "so I'm waiting... for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,

I could raise the dead, and cause the mountains to run.

All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want, but you would not know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,

You'd not learn to trust by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love,

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You'd know what I give and I save... (for a start),

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked,

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that "My grace is sufficient for thee."

Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,

But, oh the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see,

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, WAIT.

~Author Unknown~

Earlier this week, I put a call in to a reputable adoption agency. (I'll give more details on the baby if we get closer to bringing him home but I can tell you this...he's already born!) :) I was under the impression that my home study for fostering would carry us through...WRONG! I called D*S*S and our adoption worker is coming next week to write up an adoption home study for us. She said it should take her a week to 10 days to get it all together so...we'll see what happens. I am completely trusting God right now. I had to put it all in His hands. As far as I know this baby has NOT yet been matched with another family. The caseworker (from the agency) that I spoke to was extremely helpful and explained that I would need to find a licensed agency that is willing to do post placement supervision. I have many more calls to make but I am willing to go the distance until God closes the door. D*S*S knows were still waiting for baby and I know it's out of my hands. God is so faithful. I have much to share regarding what I've been feeling but for now I just ask you to keep us in your prayers. It's hard not to get my hopes up but I would love to just take the drive to meet this little one and see if indeed this is 'the one'.

I wimped out on a family camping trip and I am now home while the rest of 'them' are THERE (hopefully) sleeping as they listen to the falling rain.

I am sitting here...

ALONE...in the house.

It's quiet.

No snoring.

No dog.

Just eerily quiet.

I keep thinking...
"Is this what I have to look forward to when they grow up and move out?"

I am SO NOT looking forward to that.

I can't imagine a day that I don't smile while I listen to their night time giggles or break up an escalating argument.

I wonder what kind of mom I'd be to a boy after all these GIRLS?

I keep thinking...

How nice would it have been to hear the phone ring today.

To get the call I've been waiting for...

I'm ready.

Ready to do midnight feedings and diaper bags.

Strollers and tantrums.

Baby toys and runny noses.

That time goes so fast...I'd do it all over again.

Earlier today, I watched my husband help some kids fishing on a bridge at the lake.

They willingly gave him their rod.

He showed them how to properly use it and he was beaming as a little boy, no older than 6, took the rod and cast it out...far.

Even I was impressed.

Do we have moments like that in our future?

Am I idealizing the realities of a life with boys???

I'm sure it could never be as close to perfect as I dream...but for now...that's all I have. Dreams.

I am still here.
Waiting...
I have NOTHING in my planner yet I find a way to stay busy.
I guess that's good because I would NEVER sit and wait for the phone to ring :)
I hope it happens soon.
Sometimes I try to get a glimpse of our future
but it's so hard to even try to imagine what God has in store for us.

I'll be back when I have some news...
(Or just something more to share)
but I'm hopeful for some good news... :)

I never heard anything back. It drives me crazy how I ran around and got things ready for kids who never came. I'm ok with it. I was a bit nervous because we're not geared for kids of those ages. We don't have any extra beds so we'd have to shuffle things around a bit here for it to work because of the stipulations that D*S*S puts on rooming. I was waiting to hear of I should set up the crib or if the 3 year old slept in a bed. AHHH. I'm ok. I had a busy weekend scheduled anyway. There really wouldn't have been time for 'bonding' and helping them get 'settled' in if we were running around anyway... Maybe next time... But help me out here...Answer some questions for me...

1. What questions do I ask the worker who is trying to place the kids?

I asked her if they had been in care before. She said 'no'. Not to her knowledge. They were going in for respite because their mom was having surgery and dad didn't think he could handle them alone. (???)

2. What things do you have on hand? (i.e.- special things to help the child transition)

3. Do you shop for respite? They were supposed to be coming from their home and I assume their things would have been brought with them.

Help me?!?!? What have YOUR experiences been?

***UpDATE*** I guess I was 'stood up' by D*S*S. She never called me back. I'm not sure if the kids came into care or not... With my luck...I'll be getting a call at 10pm asking if they can drop them off...

So I'm sitting out in the sun. Phone by my side. (Yes...I learned my lesson!) I'm enjoying the moment. Kids playing. Husband working on a boat trailer. The phone rings. I was thinking how nice it would be to be getting "the call". It was D*S*S. Wow. That Blessed Mother thing really works! (I'm kidding. I haven't found time to pray to her...yet!) :) The home finder was on the other end asking if we'd be willing to do respite for a 5 year old and her 3 year old brother. A million thoughts went through my mind but I said yes. If they are coming...they'll be here in an hour. So, I'm throwing a load of laundry in and getting bedding ready. I have no clue if the boy is in a crib or bed. I feel like a new mom. My kids are thrilled. I'll let you know what happens.

Something funny happened today. Well, I guess it's all how you look at it. I went over to my neighbors house. She is a little, old Italian widow. Her husband passed away a few years back. I had the privilege of meeting him and like they always say..."Behind every successful man...stands a very strong woman". I think whoever wrote that quote knew my neighbor. I digress... She invited me over to show me how to make fresh pesto. I ran over and we talked for a while. About Italy. About my husband. About her daughter and son. About my desires for another baby in the house... She got real serious and said to me..."Do you pray to the Blessed Mother?". I explained to her that I pray directly to God. I go to HIM in prayer. She said (in her strongest Italian accent) "I'ma gonna give you someting to read. You read it anda you pray to the Blessed Mother and she will give you whata you want." "Ok???" Hey people...I'm desperate here... :::going to pray::: :)

***UPDATE*** How funny is this... I hit 'publish' and the phone rang. Caller ID said it was D*S*S. It was Baby Tulip's caseworker. Just calling regarding some clothes that were left here in the laundry after Tulip was picked up. Still...ironic... I'm tempted to put the car seats and cribs in the attic...then wait again to see who calls... :) wishful thinking!

Just as I hoped...June is proving to be a 'quiet' month for us. Aside from the usual field trips and the excitement of school coming to an end...it looks peaceful. I have been looking at Baby Tulip's empty crib in my room and wondering if I should just take it down and stop waiting for the phone to ring. It seems that life would be MUCH easier that way. I have once again contemplated giving away the things I have saved knowing it would be an amazing blessing to someone but I can't bring myself to do it. I have enjoyed these past few weeks with my family but there are times when I feel someone is missing. Only time will tell what our future as a family holds... It's been 2 years that we've gone all summer without toting around a stroller or diaper bag. I have to admit...it's an easier life. Maybe God is opening my eyes to a new normal. I am open to whatever HE has. MY desires aside...I know whatever HE has for us will be worth waiting for.
Even if we never again say "6 and a high chair"...

PART 4

***Scroll down a few posts to read the beginning of our journey***

I can tell you that every day that Baby 'C' was here I prayed that he would be a part of our family. I was so closed minded to any other options. Even through meeting other 'possible parents' for him...I was convinced that one day I was going to wake up and he would be ours. I posted this after Christmas in December 2006...

December 2006

"Baby boy is doing well. Since we don't use respite, he came home with us to spend Christmas with our family. He is doing well. At 16 months he is still not talking or walking but he is communicating using sing language. He knows the signs for 'eat', 'more' and 'all done'. He also understands commands like up, no, and out. It seems as if he is progressing faster these past few months. It is still discouraging not to see him doing what other kids his age are doing but I am happy to say that he DID fall asleep on me last week. That has never happened. So his next court date is in February. Not sure what that will determine but I'm sure they'll be going towards adoption..."



Court came and went with no permanent decisions on the outcome of his case. We had known for a while that it was leaning towards adoption but I wasn't sure what to think since he was our first placement. By March 2007 I had come to terms with the fact that he was not meant for us. We had been approached by D*S*S with 2 possible families for him. The first family had an older daughter about 6 and another foster son that was the same age as Baby 'C'. We had a meeting with them so they could him and ask questions regarding his routine. The minute I walked into the room I knew they were wrong for him. They made no effort to hold him or talk to him. They spoke to me and asked me questions about him. There was little interaction between their kids and Baby 'C'. It broke my heart when I left that day knowing I had absolutely NO say in the decision to be made. I brought my case before God and told HIM how I felt. I was called 2 days later and told that the family decided he wouldn't 'fit' into their family...THANK GOD!!! This is what happened a little over a month later...

March 2007

"March is coming quickly to an end and SPRING is on it's way! So many changes in and out of the house...Baby Boy is going to meet his (hopefully) forever family today! This family will be keeping him while we are away (beginning of transition) and then when he is surrendered by his biological parents (or when their rights are terminated) this family will also have the opportunity to adopt him. From what I've heard, they are extremely excited to meet him and they have already shopped for a crib and 'baby' supplies. Sounds good...so far."



This new family was wonderful. The brought a camera, toys and snacks. They wanted him even before they saw him. I was excited but cautious... If we couldn't adopt him...I wanted to make sure he had the family that would love him like we would and after meeting them...I knew I'd found them. He started transitioning about 2 weeks after they first met. It went well although it took a while to adjust to having him gone...

April 2007

"It's amazing how clingy baby boy has been these last few days. He has been visiting with his adoptive parents and his biological parents and he has come home not wanting me out of his sight. I feel so bad that he has no clue what is going to happen in the next few weeks. I'm just praying that the transition is easy for him. I know that his new family will be perfect for him. He really seems to have turned a new corner just within the last month or so. He is signing more and speaking more syllables. He is also making more of an effort to walk although he still prefers to crawl. I said to Kyle ..."If he was like this 6 months ago, he wouldn't be leaving." I know that God is just making it so we have only good memories. (Maybe so we'll be open to the little boy who will be our son...forever???) He's only with us for another few weeks until we have to give him to this new family. I am already starting to worry about him and he's not even gone yet. I don't think that his new family will want to have contact with us unless it is something that concerns him. My children are excited for him and I think they will be OK. I really feel that they have been prepared enough for him to go. Now I just have to come to terms with the fact that he's not coming back..."

Here we were...almost 17 months after he had been placed with us. He was 21 months old. Baby 'C' had never taken his first step or spoken his first word. Even after hours of countless therapies.....he was delayed. The pediatric neurologist diagnosed Baby 'C' with global developmental delays due to genetics. It was crystal clear to us that the older he was...the more his delays would be obvious. But no matter what the doctors said...they wanted him. He still had a family that would love him forever...like we were unwilling to do. We just didn't think that we could handle a special needs child. We were scared.

April 2006

"I'm OK. This is the 2ND night that baby boy has spent with his adoptive parents and I'm OK. Well, I think I'm OK. I don't think it's hit me yet that he's really leaving. He'll be back tomorrow. But I'll pack up his things and we have 2 more days to spend with him until he leaves us forever. I look back at his photo albums and literally watch him grow. We've had him for more than 16 months. We celebrated many "firsts" with him. I'm not sure if he'll understand what's going on. He comes home and is his usual self. When he's not here it's unusually quiet. There was an empty place at the table. I gave him and early bath and put him in bed. About 10 minutes later he was sobbing. I went in to try to soothe him and he reached up for me. He wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and snuggled into me. For just a moment...I was able to catch a glimpse of what life might be like had we bonded from the beginning...what a gift. He actually let me hold him....finally. I wonder what he'll remember...if anything. It's amazing how much of an impact he's left on all of us. The girls have a lot of questions but I think they're doing surprisingly well. I'm proud of them. They have been a wonderful source of laughter and entertainment for him. And through all the hurdles we've jumped with baby boy, my girls have been a source of comfort to me. I know that God has used this baby to help me learn to be more thankful for happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. It's a chaotic week ahead of us. There is much to keep me busy. I'll be OK...I think."

I remember the last night I spent with him as if it were a moment ago. As I closed the door to his room I took a second glance. The same eyes that stared up from that car seat so many months ago...were vibrant. The smile on his face assured me that there was trust. Although we didn't bond the way I would have liked...we were still on the path that God had chosen for the both of us. He was born while our paper work still sat on some one's desk at D*S*S. For those 2 months that we so (impatiently) waited for 'the call', the foster family loved him and planted the seeds we had the privilege of cultivating. We did the best we could to advocate for this precious 'starfish'. We we able to provide him with the services he desperately needed. And to complete the circle...we loved him until his forever family had their paperwork complete in order to foster and eventually...adopt. I look back now and hind sight....amazing. It was not God's will for us to adopt Baby 'C'. I know that now. That doesn't mean it didn't break my heart to let him go...

April 21, 2006

"He's gone..." :*(

PART 3

***Scroll down 2 posts for the beginning of our journey through foster care***

April - September 2006

As much as I tried to completely fall in love with this child it was extremely difficult. I think it just opened my eyes to the fact that maybe he wasn't meant to be a forever part of our family. I'm not sure when I finally realized this but it did take a long time for me to accept it. I prayed for clarity in my decision making. But after about 4 months of Baby 'C' being with us it became more and more clear. He had non stop interaction with me, my children and my husband. He was RARELY left with anyone and still displayed classic signs of an attachment disorder. To be honest, many thoughts went through my head. He WAS shaken but there could have been other issues...Autism, brain damage, failure to thrive...the list went on. It was July of 2006 that I posted this...

"Baby Boy is doing well. He has his moments. He is crawling and starting to pull himself up. He's sleeping better but still won't really snuggle. I am a patient person and I'll wait...however long it takes. Our next court date is November 20. That will determine ALOT. Sometimes I have my doubts about keeping him. I don't know if I can handle a 3 year old that actually pushes me away. Or an 8 year old that sets fires and hurts themselves. Attachment disorders are VERY scary. Who knows...he might just be fine. Everyone says that he may just not be a snugly baby. We have many doctors appointments in the next few months and then we should be able to know if there are any long term effects from being shaken. :*( I keep praying that God will make it crystal clear whether or not this baby is to be ours".

He had only been with us 8 months at that point. In my mind I was so determined to make it work...I was naive enough to think that LOVE was enough. I remember him being so independent and I just SO wanted him to want ME!!! I posted this in September of 2006:

"I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will soon be packing up baby boy's things so he can go and start life with his forever family. I can't imagine what it would be like to wake up and not smell his baby morning breath or see his cheesy little smile but I rest in knowing that God has a bigger plan and it's better for this little one to be where God wants him. I can't get over the fact that I still want to add to my family. Although, hubby is probably not going to jump on the adoption band wagon as quick as he did with the fostering I am hoping that God keeps me in mind when a baby boy is surrendered at birth and is healthy in body and mind. Everyone keeps saying that I should focus on the kids that I have (as if they are neglected or something) and I do treasure EVERY minute with them. Even as I reprimand them for dumping a whole (brand new) bottle of shampoo into the bathtub or for spilling chocolate milk on the kitchen floor because they didn't want to wait for help. I love my children and would never trade them for 1000 boys. I just really want them to have a brother. And maybe at some point in my life that will happen. Who knows...one can dream...right?"

It's so easy, looking back now, and seeing how clear God was making the decision that was set before us. I believe that, even then, HE was preparing my heart to say goodbye. My heart wanted to give this baby stability and make him a part of our family...forever. God obviously had other plans.

PART 2

***Update*** These posts are part of the story of how our journey began. Scroll down 1 post to read the beginning***

December 2005 - April 2006

When I brought Baby 'C' home our family was just IN LOVE. I think I was a bit in awe of how fast it all went. Here I was with this BOY after all the weeks of waiting. It was surreal. It only took a few days to get into a routine with him. I also started noticing little things that didn't sit right with me. He hardly moved his right arm and made NO eye contact. I discussed these things with his pediatrician and I was told to just wait and see how he settled in. I held him as often as possible to promote bonding. I wore him in the B*JORN carrier until I ached. A few weeks later I called the pediatrician again and wanted to know what steps I could take to have him evaluated. I was told I had to go through the county we fostered through. I was extremely apprehensive as I set up the appointment. Here I am, finally with my dream fulfilled, and I'm 'looking' for something wrong. I was nervous to see what D*S*S would say. The EI (Early Intervent*ion) evaluation went well but I was told that at 4 months of age he didn't qualify for services. He was right on the line. Not sure how I was supposed to react to this I called the Dr again and explained what was said. At this point I was desperate for someone to validate what I was seeing with this baby. At the appointment the physician's assistant actually called EI through the county I LIVE IN and made ANOTHER evaluation appointment. This 'back up' was a God send. When Baby 'C' was evaluated a second time (about 2 weeks later) he qualified. The delays in his gross and fine motor skills were apparent but knowing that as he got older he could regress they gave him therapies (speech, occupational and physical) 3x a week. I was amazed at how God made everything fall together. Keep in mind...(I feel) that if a child has a diagnosis while in foster care...the child will be considered 'hard to place'. I have a feeling that the county in which he is placed (and had the 1st evaluation) knew this. That said, therapies were often but I felt that if they would help him get to where he needed to be, it would all pay off in the end. The frustration of not bonding...that was another thing! He had this high pitched scream that told me something was NOT right. HE was not easily soothed and even after a month of effort (on my part) to bond...he still made no eye contact. I got to the point where I thought that maybe I just didn't have the 'touch' anymore. Maybe I couldn't love another child like my own. The thought scared the #^&*$@ out of me. At that time, anyone that I spoke to about my feelings reassured me that I was right. There WAS something wrong with him.

PART 1

***Update*** Since we currently have no children placed with us I am sharing the beginning of our journey. Believe it or not, it did NOT start with baby Felix. Some posts will be cross posted from my other blog.

December 2005

The beginning of our journey was amazing. I was extremely discouraged at the thought of international adoption only because of the paperwork. Even looking back now, I think the MAPP classes were easy compared to the amount of paperwork there was to fill out for our home study. We were certified in the county we live in. The class was 30 hours (1x a week, 3 hours, 10 weeks) We started in the beginning of April 2005 and finished in June. I had a hard time relating to many of the discussions due to the fact that (in MY opinion) they were geared towards older children...and that's not what we had requested. I learned a lot about myself and what, I thought, I could handle. About 8 weeks after our classes were complete our certification came in the mail (August). Due to the statistic numbers, we were told that we would be waiting a while before a baby or toddler could become available. This is not a risk we were willing to take. I asked around and found out that a neighboring county had an endless amount of babies and not enough homes willing to take them. We began switching our certification over in September. I was naive enough to think that even during our wait we would get a call. I guess I was just hopeful. The new paperwork was complete after another round of home visits and questions. We got another certification (a card with our names on it stating we are foster parents for ********** county) in the mail mid December. Literally, 4 days later we got a call. I remember pulling in the driveway and my husband telling me to listen to the answering machine. It was a caseworker calling to see if we were willing to take a 4 month old baby boy. He had been in care for 2 months in another foster home. His current foster mother was closing the home and looking to remove both boys placed there. A 4 month old (Baby 'C') and a 9 month old (J). I remember being in awe and having NO questions to ask. I was told that Baby 'C' was in care due to the fact that someone saw him being shaken. I asked if there was any medical problems and was told 'none known'. I picked him up the next day. His foster parents were wonderful. They filled me in on his schedule and told me his likes and dislikes but then I was on my own. I remember stopping at the store to pick up some diapers and a bouncy seat. Carrying this child into the store I was afraid I'd be stopped. I had NOTHING stating that he was now in my care. He slept until we hit the baby department then he woke up and just watched me. His GORGEOUS blue eyes told me I was in for the 'walk' of a lifetime.