The boys are gone. My heart is heavy with many feelings and I wish I had the right words to express it all so I could get it all out and feel better. But I'm sure that will take a lot more than a blog post. We tried to explain to Arizona why we were packing but he just went about his playing and it wasn't until we were in the car on the way to dropping them off that we understood why he wasn't upset. I guess he thought we was going to my friend's house. A friend of mine and his new foster mom have very similar names. He and my friend's son have played together and he asked if her son would be there. I then realized that THAT'S where he thought he was going to go stay. We tried to correct him but then we felt that maybe it would be easier if we just left it alone. We transferred everything to their new foster mother's car and then put the boys in their car seats. That's when it all came undone. Lil' Man started screaming and trying to get out of his car seat in this new woman's car. Arizona just sat there looking back and forth at me at my husband and Lil' Man {who was screaming!}. We kissed them both and told them we loved them and with tears in our eyes we got into our car and drove away. Not sure where that leaves us in the foster*care world. Are we still foster parents? Will D*S*S still call us even though it was OUR decision that made the boys move??? Do we WANT to go through this again? Can our hearts take this anymore?? Where is God in all this and what is HIS plan for our family?? I am not at peace with where they placed the boys and I was told {by this lady} that they eventually want to transition Owen into her home {again} too. Oh, did I mention that they placed the boys into the home that Owen was previously in? Yup. The home that I was so uneasy with him being in because of all the teenagers and the lack of nurturing. That's the one. There is nothing I can do for them...but pray. I am ok with the fact that they are not here because my family really needed to get back to basics. The boys left holes in the walls and stains on the carpet as a physical reminder that they were here but having the opportunity to have a conversation with my kids without being interrupted by the boys' fighting is priceless. It has only been a little more than 24 hours and it's been hard adjusting back to a new normal. I cannot second guess my decision. We needed to step back to really see the mess they were causing in our family. I don't know how this lady thinks that she can handle the 3 of them but hey, more power to her if she thinks she can! Even just these 2 were like lighter fluid and fire. Owen was worse than the 2 of them put together. I know that God has a plan and we fulfilled His plan for these boys in the time frame that He gave us. It was not an easy decision to let them go but there was no peace here. Now there is. Like I said before, I'm not sure what to expect from D*S*S but we have had the conversation about the next possible call already. We had chosen to be EXTREMELY selective regarding the next placement {should D*S*S call us}. Our girls have had a really hard time with the boys leaving and understanding what will happen next. It's kind of hard to answer when I don't know myself. Only HE knows and I rest assured HE is in control.
8 comments:
praying
I know you don't need my approval and you are at peace with your decision but I just wanted to say I think you absolutely did the right thing. I admire you for being strong enough to let them go. I know it has to be emotionally hard but you did the right thing for your family and that is THE right thing. May God comfort you during this time.
I am so sorry for you and your family. I know the pain that losing a child (or children) causes, and it must be even harder having to make that choice. I am praying for you and your family, that the right decision is shown to you.
I know it was hard. But for the best. I think I told you we had to disrupt 2 placements. They called me within days or weeks after each one left. They never really seemed to think less of me for doing it. The SW involved always said "I don't know how you put up with it as long as you did". Not that they bothered to help when I needed it. But they at least understood.
D, Thanks.
my heart goes out to you. it really does.
I totally agree, just with keeping up on your blog I know it must have been so exhausting and hard for everyone. You did a good job with those boys. Now take a bit of time to breathe and don't be so hard on yourself!
Oh, girl, I am thinking of you and praying. I wish I could give you a big hearty hug. I have had to do the very same thing and it is hard. But be assured: God is their father. He created the blueprints for their lives and He is in control. He is the master conductor, and this is all His orchestra. As much as we want to help EVERY child, the ones who are our forever children take top priority, and I've had to let go of a couple of little ones for the very same reason. And you know what? It turned out just fine for the kiddos. In fact, after letting go of 5 kiddos now, it almost offended me how well the next parents or relatives picked up where I left off. But then I realized, it was all a part of His divine plan. Sometimes he works through us, sometimes we just plant an intial seed and someone else waters, grows, prunes and harvests. I pray that your family has a wonderful time of restoration, and that God gives you very clear direction. We are going to be very selective, too, now that we are back on the placement list after a 6 month break. Normal has been super fun. And now my goal is to be a foster parent and STILL give my family "normal". Not sure how that will balance out, but that is my goal.
Love to you, blessings, and all the fathomless peace you can imagine.
Heather
Post a Comment