PART 4

***Scroll down a few posts to read the beginning of our journey***

I can tell you that every day that Baby 'C' was here I prayed that he would be a part of our family. I was so closed minded to any other options. Even through meeting other 'possible parents' for him...I was convinced that one day I was going to wake up and he would be ours. I posted this after Christmas in December 2006...

December 2006

"Baby boy is doing well. Since we don't use respite, he came home with us to spend Christmas with our family. He is doing well. At 16 months he is still not talking or walking but he is communicating using sing language. He knows the signs for 'eat', 'more' and 'all done'. He also understands commands like up, no, and out. It seems as if he is progressing faster these past few months. It is still discouraging not to see him doing what other kids his age are doing but I am happy to say that he DID fall asleep on me last week. That has never happened. So his next court date is in February. Not sure what that will determine but I'm sure they'll be going towards adoption..."



Court came and went with no permanent decisions on the outcome of his case. We had known for a while that it was leaning towards adoption but I wasn't sure what to think since he was our first placement. By March 2007 I had come to terms with the fact that he was not meant for us. We had been approached by D*S*S with 2 possible families for him. The first family had an older daughter about 6 and another foster son that was the same age as Baby 'C'. We had a meeting with them so they could him and ask questions regarding his routine. The minute I walked into the room I knew they were wrong for him. They made no effort to hold him or talk to him. They spoke to me and asked me questions about him. There was little interaction between their kids and Baby 'C'. It broke my heart when I left that day knowing I had absolutely NO say in the decision to be made. I brought my case before God and told HIM how I felt. I was called 2 days later and told that the family decided he wouldn't 'fit' into their family...THANK GOD!!! This is what happened a little over a month later...

March 2007

"March is coming quickly to an end and SPRING is on it's way! So many changes in and out of the house...Baby Boy is going to meet his (hopefully) forever family today! This family will be keeping him while we are away (beginning of transition) and then when he is surrendered by his biological parents (or when their rights are terminated) this family will also have the opportunity to adopt him. From what I've heard, they are extremely excited to meet him and they have already shopped for a crib and 'baby' supplies. Sounds good...so far."



This new family was wonderful. The brought a camera, toys and snacks. They wanted him even before they saw him. I was excited but cautious... If we couldn't adopt him...I wanted to make sure he had the family that would love him like we would and after meeting them...I knew I'd found them. He started transitioning about 2 weeks after they first met. It went well although it took a while to adjust to having him gone...

April 2007

"It's amazing how clingy baby boy has been these last few days. He has been visiting with his adoptive parents and his biological parents and he has come home not wanting me out of his sight. I feel so bad that he has no clue what is going to happen in the next few weeks. I'm just praying that the transition is easy for him. I know that his new family will be perfect for him. He really seems to have turned a new corner just within the last month or so. He is signing more and speaking more syllables. He is also making more of an effort to walk although he still prefers to crawl. I said to Kyle ..."If he was like this 6 months ago, he wouldn't be leaving." I know that God is just making it so we have only good memories. (Maybe so we'll be open to the little boy who will be our son...forever???) He's only with us for another few weeks until we have to give him to this new family. I am already starting to worry about him and he's not even gone yet. I don't think that his new family will want to have contact with us unless it is something that concerns him. My children are excited for him and I think they will be OK. I really feel that they have been prepared enough for him to go. Now I just have to come to terms with the fact that he's not coming back..."

Here we were...almost 17 months after he had been placed with us. He was 21 months old. Baby 'C' had never taken his first step or spoken his first word. Even after hours of countless therapies.....he was delayed. The pediatric neurologist diagnosed Baby 'C' with global developmental delays due to genetics. It was crystal clear to us that the older he was...the more his delays would be obvious. But no matter what the doctors said...they wanted him. He still had a family that would love him forever...like we were unwilling to do. We just didn't think that we could handle a special needs child. We were scared.

April 2006

"I'm OK. This is the 2ND night that baby boy has spent with his adoptive parents and I'm OK. Well, I think I'm OK. I don't think it's hit me yet that he's really leaving. He'll be back tomorrow. But I'll pack up his things and we have 2 more days to spend with him until he leaves us forever. I look back at his photo albums and literally watch him grow. We've had him for more than 16 months. We celebrated many "firsts" with him. I'm not sure if he'll understand what's going on. He comes home and is his usual self. When he's not here it's unusually quiet. There was an empty place at the table. I gave him and early bath and put him in bed. About 10 minutes later he was sobbing. I went in to try to soothe him and he reached up for me. He wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and snuggled into me. For just a moment...I was able to catch a glimpse of what life might be like had we bonded from the beginning...what a gift. He actually let me hold him....finally. I wonder what he'll remember...if anything. It's amazing how much of an impact he's left on all of us. The girls have a lot of questions but I think they're doing surprisingly well. I'm proud of them. They have been a wonderful source of laughter and entertainment for him. And through all the hurdles we've jumped with baby boy, my girls have been a source of comfort to me. I know that God has used this baby to help me learn to be more thankful for happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. It's a chaotic week ahead of us. There is much to keep me busy. I'll be OK...I think."

I remember the last night I spent with him as if it were a moment ago. As I closed the door to his room I took a second glance. The same eyes that stared up from that car seat so many months ago...were vibrant. The smile on his face assured me that there was trust. Although we didn't bond the way I would have liked...we were still on the path that God had chosen for the both of us. He was born while our paper work still sat on some one's desk at D*S*S. For those 2 months that we so (impatiently) waited for 'the call', the foster family loved him and planted the seeds we had the privilege of cultivating. We did the best we could to advocate for this precious 'starfish'. We we able to provide him with the services he desperately needed. And to complete the circle...we loved him until his forever family had their paperwork complete in order to foster and eventually...adopt. I look back now and hind sight....amazing. It was not God's will for us to adopt Baby 'C'. I know that now. That doesn't mean it didn't break my heart to let him go...

April 21, 2006

"He's gone..." :*(