To be completely honest with you...I have no clue who reads this blog. If any of you have adopted, through the foster care system or otherwise, please let me know how it worked for you, how long it took and if you'd do it again. Today we went and met with a reputable adoption agency hoping that we'd leave with some definite answers. If anything, I am even MORE discouraged than ever. I am questioning myself and my limitations. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I really wanted my girls to have a brother. That's why we started fostering to begin with. We have been blessed to have the opportunity to foster these babies that have come through our home and the privilege has been amazing. But knowing the 'end' of our journey through this system might leave us without a baby boy to love forever...that thought is something I can't live with. I have thought about how it would be if we stopped fostering. What would that leave us with? We started fostering with hopes of adoption. Knowing full well that one family would have to be broken to make our family complete was very hard to come to terms with. Knowing that it would be the other families actions that put their child in my home made it a bit easier. Our caseworker has not been very helpful in listening to our concerns but in all reality he doesn't work for us. Where else do I go? The agency was pretty clear that the number of children we have in our home only leaves us with the option of finding our own 'birth*mom'. We have told almost everyone we know (and some strangers) that we are hoping to adopt. I have waited almost 4 years and...NOTHING. So please, if you have had a positive foster to adopt or adoption experience...please let me know. Right now, I need all the encouragement I can get. I'm about ready to give up. :*(

Visit went well last week. Even though I was a few minutes late and Psycho Chick stated to the caseworker that she wished I'd hurry up and get there because she hasn't seen Daisy in a week...Of course the caseworker corrected her saying that you have cancelled for the past 3 weeks...Anyway, maternal Granny was there and is a scary sight. Kind of helps me understand why Psycho Chick is so messed up. When psycho Chick held out her arms for Daisy, she snuggled into me and said "NO!". That's my girl! :) She really didn't throw that much of a fight when Bio dad took her away...All went well... She came home exhausted so she slept for a while. And I'm glad that there were no issues when she woke from her nap. I haven't heard anymore regarding these visits extending an hour. Hopefully, we keep it that way.

Since our visit this week has been cancelled (AGAIN!) I wonder how well Daisy will take to Psycho Chick and Bio Dad next week?? For those of you just tuning in...it's been cancelled for 2 weeks now. Not that I'm complaining...I DID enjoy the nap I had (early this morning) after the phone call telling me the visit was cancelled because the 'parents' (yes, I use that term LIGHTLY) said they were sick. It must have NOTHING to do with the fact that it's like 20 below outside and it might be too cold for them to walk to the public transport bus stop. Or maybe they just don't FEEEEL like being parents for their allotted 2 hours this week.

Dear Psycho Chick and Bio Dad,

You're missing it. What? You ask? You're missing your sweet baby girl growing up. The baby that Psycho Chick carried for 9 months. The same baby that you seem to do SO well with every week. The same baby that has now lived with MY family for LONGER than she was EVER with you. Daisy is walking and repeating EVERYTHING like a sweet little parrot. And because of your 'sickness' (laziness) you're missing it all. But don't worry. She still has us. We are here when she cries. We pick her up and soothe her when she falls. We LOVE her sweet little laughter and her giggle just melts our hearts. I would LOVE to tell you that you don't deserve her. I would love to tell you that it's WHAT YOU DID that put her into this system called "fos*ter Ca*re". I would also LOVE to tell you that YOU will have NOTHING to do with the strong, sweet baby girl she is growing up to be. Because you missed it all. But because I am ONLY the 'fost*er Paren*t'...I'm not allowed to have an opinion. I have to quietly sit back and drop off Daisy for what might change into a 3 hour visit some time soon. I just wanted to make sure you understand that you;re not fooling ANYONE. Everyone sees it...everyone but YOU!!! ~your sweet baby girl's foster mom.
(the one YOU don't like)

Last week I contacted a VERY reputable adoption agency in our area and I just received the info in the mail. I went through and there are some things I like and some things I really don't agree with. I am ambivalent about leaving the fo*ster car*e system because I really THINK they know my desire for a boy (or 2). BUT that does NOT mean they will 'fill' that desire because if they do they will lose us a resource for the county. Our house will officially be 'full' and we will most likely NOT continue to foster. I know that I am at a crossroad and the decision I make may influence how long I wait for a child. Since I HATE to make decisions like this PLEASE help!! WHat would YOU do?!?!?! Please leave a comment and let me know what YOU did or would do. You can also let me know if you want the comment published or not. (It will NOT automatically publish). Thanks for your help...I DOES NOT go unappreciated

Daisy's visit was cancelled again last week. Psycho Chick and bio dad thought the roads were too bad. Kind of funny if you think about it. They DO rely on public transportation. ANYWAY...Update on Daisy: She is now blowing kisses. It's THE cutest thing EVER! Her sweet little lips squish together to make the 'kiss' sound and she blows the 'kiss' with her hand. TOO CUTE! She is walking full time now. Actually, she has been for a while. She babbles and 'tells' us what she thinks about EVERYTHING! Talk about drama. When I tell her it's time for bed she says "no". She understands when I say 'lay down' and she immediately complies. Whether it's for a bottle or a diaper change. That's next. Getting rid of the bottle. I know it's going to be a struggle and it may take a while. I'm thinking about going cold turkey. But it really is still the only time I get to snuggle her. She always has been extremely independent. She is almost 15 months old. I try to take her 'situation' in to consideration and justify it by saying that (most likely) for the first 7 months of her life her bottle was propped. So a few more months on the bottle won't hurt anybody. We'll see. More soon...

How crazy is my life. A whole year has gone by since we brought sweet baby Felix home from the hospital. I can't help but think that he should still be here. He is now a year old and has no memories of our late nights snuggling on the couch. He'll never remember how I sang to him or how much we love him. He'll never know. I sometimes think about giving up on this whole journey but then I remember the way it felt to hold him in my arms when I thought that he was going to be our little boy. And I know I can't give up because I'd give anything for that feeling again. So, I'll wait.

Last weeks visit went well. We're still only at a 2 hour visit because the caseworker's schedule is just too crazy but I'm sure things will change soon. Psycho Chick and bio dad were waiting and Daisy seemed a little apprehensive but went to Psycho Chick with her eyes firmly glued on me. As soon as the caseworker came into the waiting room Daisy seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. On a different note, I ALMOST brought home an 11 month old boy but since we were on our way to a weekend vacation, he had the child already placed. But at least he 'thought of me' and 'we're gettin' the next one'. So we'll just wait and see about that. I thought December was my month but who knows. Maybe it'll be January or March or August... I'm STILL waiting.