Well, it looks like someone may have been telling a very big lie. 'Hope' will not give the name of her 'friend' and was very offended when she was asked by the caseworker. I spoke to Owen's foster mom and she was a bit upset that I was so harsh with 'Hope'. It's obvious that 'Hope' called her after me and 'tattled' on me. Owen's foster mom was brought up to speed on why I feel the was I do. It's obvious that she has been kept out of the loop about many detail and now she is more informed she feels the same way I do. If 'Hope' is lying...things will change. I am thankful that my caseworker is not oblivious to what these bio parents can pull and I am able to be 100% honest with him about my feelings and concerns. Owen's foster mom made a good point. She said that we should all get together once a week so everyone is well informed on what's been going on. There are 2 caseworkers {Arizona & Lil' Man have one through the county and Owen has one through an agency} and 2 foster moms {Owen's and myself}. It is so easy for details to be lost in the cracks of communication. Not that I love a good fight or anything but I am ALL ABOUT accountability!!! I see things in black and white. There is NO grey. I am anxious to see how this plays out....

Our week was eventful...to say the least. The boys bio mom (who I have kindly referred to as 'Hope') has proved to be anything BUT hopeful. The boys visit was scheduled for earlier in the week and she actually called ME the night before to confirm the time of the visit. I rearranged my day to accommodate the visit (it hasn't REALLY been set to a specific time and day). As Arizona got off the bus he asked if we were going to see Owen (big brother...placed elsewhere) I told him that we were and his smile could have out shined the sun. This kid ADORES his big brother. SO off we went. We pulled in the driveway to find Owen's case worker and Owen ALSO waiting for Hope. Did I fail to mention that the visits have been at Hope's new apartment for the 6 weeks?? Well, here we all are in the driveway waiting for Hope. Evidently she did not show up for an earlier appointment that they had scheduled for Owen and was now not home for the visit with her boys. She WAS aware of the time and place of BOTH appointments that day because SHE called Owen's caseworker earlier that morning to confirm she'd be there. Owen's caseworker called our caseworker and he hadn't heard from her either. Owen's caseworker tried Hope and no one picked up her phone. Messages were left. I was told by my caseworker that I was free to leave after 15 minutes of waiting. For a minute I want you to imagine what Arizona (3) must have felt as pulled out of the driveway because mommy wasn't there to see him. Imagine the feelings he felt toward me!!! He kept asking "I wanna see Owen, I wanna see Owen. Can we go back to mommy's now? I wanna see Owen". As if it were my fault. I called our caseworker later in the day to ask if he'd heard from Hope. He said no. Then at about 5pm I got a phone call. It was Hope trying to explain that she was at the hospital all day with a friend who'd been in a car accident. Her friend passed away. I was honest and harsh (hey, in MY defense, she called ME!!!) I explained to her that I would NOT apologize for her to her boys. I asked her why she didn't call and get in touch with one of the caseworkers or foster parents to let us know so the boys wouldn't be waiting. I explained that the bond with her boys should have been stronger to the friendship she shared with this person and seeing that she only had 2 hours a week with her sons she should have been waiting there for US not the other way around!!! I apologized for the loss of her friend and got off the phone. I was angry. In MY mind...she should live, breathe and sleep for the visits with her sons. She should be counting down the days and preparing {all week} to see them. I was not afraid to tell her that she let them AND me down. In my book that was strike one.
I was unafraid of the consequences that I might face due to being honest with her. So when the phone rang first thing the next morning I was ready to tell the caseworker I had no regrets for tone OR the words that were used in my conversation with Hope. The caseworker proceeded to tell me that he thought I should let HIM be the 'bad guy' because I was already a threat to Hope. I understand where he is coming from and the conversation ended with a question. Did this car accident REALLY happen. Did she REALLY sit at a hospital while her friend was treated and died? Or did she just not feel like sitting with her boys for their visit... Hopefully we get answers to that question and hopefully she didn't LIE (to avoid spending time with her kids). I really hope she doesn't think she's fooling anyone. Well then yeah, I might need to change her 'blog' name...
I'm sure you can figure out what it would be...

It's been about a week since Arizona started potty training and he's doing well. It just goes to show you how much he'll do for an M*&*M :) He's had some really good days but it seems like he can't go very long without having a tantrum. The caseworker has been trying to explain that he has been living like this for almost 3 years and it will take MUCH longer than 4 months to 'undo' him. I guess that I am naive in thinking that I {alone} can heal him. I can see that he is a hurting little boy and he can't verbalize exactly what he needs or wants. I pray for wisdom DAILY but sometimes I just think that he needs SO much more than I can give him. Lil' Man has been showing his dislike of the word 'NO'. If he is told that he is not allowed to go somewhere or do something he throws a chair or toy or he kicks his feet and screams. It's a little more than normal toddler behavior but he seems a bit more pliable than Arizona.
I am CONSTANTLY reminded WHY we chose to ONLY foster babies.
Then I am quickly reminded that they ARE still babies...

Well, a countdown has begun. A while back I had this conversation with God. It went something like this...
"Well, God. I was under the impression that YOU placed this desire to adopt in my heart. It's been burning REALLY strong for quite a while. We've been fostering for 4 LONG years and, well, I was wondering...DO you have a plan or are you 'winging' it?"

:::crickets:::

OK, so he didn't quite answer me the way I'd hoped. I WANTED to hear something like this...


"Well, you've put your blood, sweat and tears into fostering and I do plan on fulfilling this desire that I have placed in you. So on **/**/09 I will place a baby boy in your arms and he will be HOME. YOU will be his family and you'll all live happily ever after."


Didn't happen...


So, since then it's been a journey {of sorts} to seek HIS will for what MY purpose in all this is. I completely adore my bio children and am completely and wholly fulfilled in being their mother. This is different. It's almost like saying I've never experienced a pregnancy or birth. I feel like I've never held a newborn. This desire consumes me. It is SO much more that just wanting a baby. It's dreaming of a child I know will one day be mine. Wishing for him to be here to look at the leaves change color...hold his chubby hand as we stroll down the street... I've often thought that maybe {just maybe} I've idealized everything about him. I anticipate the diapers, tears and long nights and I actually look forward to them. But it seems that no matter HOW MUCH I try to 'help' God by finding the perfect situation for us...it just doesn't happen. I've searched waiting child lists and emailed 'ba*by bro*kers' in hopes of finding a situation that would best fit our family. I've told EVERYONE I know that we're hoping to adopt and to please keep their ears open. You'd think we'd get ONE possibility. Nope. Not one. SO, after a few years drag by and our emotions are RAW from the loss we've experienced with fostering...I decide that maybe I need to take a different approach to it. Maybe it's not God's timing for us right now. Maybe He has something better planned. {Is that REALLY possible God? Can you REALLY know HOW important this is to me?} LoL.



I'm learning.



I've spoken to 3 different people this week about the emotions that go along with foster care. How it broke my heart to hand over the babies we cared for and tried to move on. This foster*ing thing is definitely NOT for weak. I have tried {endlessly} to pry open windows God himself must be holding closed. It comes down to faith. Do I have the right to think it's all about me? I have looked at this from different angles and I sometimes think that God has us on this journey to wrap my arms around these babies and let HIM love them through me. Is it easy? No. Knowing the pain we will go through when these boys leave makes me want them to leave now so we don't get any more attached. Then I look at it from a different angle. If not me, then WHO will be a light to the bio parents? The only Jesus they EVER see might be through me. If that is the case? What am I showing them? Am I able to love without thoroughly and without condition? No. Not on my own. But through HIM I am. I have patience where there was only tolerance. God has shown me many things about myself through this process. The only thing that I will share with you is this...I need to have HIM as my first and only and all good things will come ONLY when I am fulfilled in HIM alone. It comes down to trust. I have always heard how good God is but do I still think He's good when I don't get what I want? When I don't get what I've worked SO hard for? What I think I deserve?

Since I am human and aware that foster*ing is beginning to take an emotional toll on my family I have given God my 'notice'. My husband and I have agreed that we will continue to foster for the next 363 days. We will see the boys through the rest of their journey in 'care'. Then we will be EXTREMELY selective on the next placement we are called on. By this time next year we will turn in our license and close our home to fostering. If God chooses to bless our family through adoption BEFORE then...wonderful. If not, we are sure that IF it is to happen for us it will NOT be through the foster*care system. So now at least there is an end in sight. This gives us a short term goal to works towards and helps us move on...need be. I am numb. I don't know what else to feel. We love having these children in our home and especially watching them blossom but the emotional beating our hearts take is not worth the fighting the system. The system is set up for the bios. Not the children and especially NOT the foster*parents. SO...1 more year. The countdown has begun...

March seems so far away. I know how the system works and I know the possibility that the boys may be here longer than that. I had a bad morning and I am feeling a bit more transparent (than I normally am). I'd rather have them leave NOW and go through the pain, hurt and loss NOW...instead of prolonging the inevitable. I know it will hurt more the longer they're here. Part of me has held back from bonding because it hurts SO much when they leave. I've seen how much they regress when they are around mom and how much they really do understand the difference in 'rules' between my house and mommy's house. As far as they have both come I've seen regression in the past few days and it scares me. I know that love isn't enough but I have to completely trust God that they're here because it's HIS will for them to be here. Arizona had a horrible morning and he just got off the bus in the same mood. When he's like this he's unable to be reasoned with and he throws things and screams. When he acts like this it feels like he's been with us a day...not 4 months. I called the caseworker and he reassured me I'm doing everything I can to provide stability, routine and consistency and I am but I feel like a need a Ph*D on days like this. My heart breaks that he's hurting and I can't help him. He can't verbalize exactly what the problem is and I can only imagine the hurts in his little heart. The thrashing is scary. It looks like he's possessed. He kicks and screams until his little face is red. I don't know what to do. We've come so far only to resort back to this... What am I doing wrong??? I wish I could find what triggers this and fix it. Or at least ground myself before he's set off again. This tantrum came out of no where. People call them 'demons'... I really feel, sometimes, that is exactly what I'm dealing with.

I heard it again...yesterday. "Wow. Foster parenting must be hard. I don't know HOW you do it"

Well, frankly...
neither do I.

2 words.
Potty training.
It's an all out battle of the wills at my house over the almighty diaper.
Kicking and screaming.
Yelling and crying.

(and I'll stop when I'm good and ready!!!)

What do I mean...you ask???

Did you ever change a 3 year olds stanky diaper???

Nuf' said...

Last week I received and email regarding an adoption situation. I could barely read the email through my excitement. ***Baby boy, due soon, in another state, possible drug exposure, open adoption, adoptive parents welcome at hospital...more than $32,000.00...***

After that, I stopped reading... I could not read another word. Just tears...



I am totally positive that if that situation were God's plan for our family...HE would make a way. I guess what really got to me what the fact that it wasn't an adoption*AGENCY. It was a baby 'broker'. I have screamed, cried and yelled till I could not scream, cry or yell anymore. My heart breaks knowing that the family that has that kind of money laying around will also most likely be putting this baby in day*care. (Of course, I'm TOTALLY assuming this...) I try to understand how this can possibly be legal but then I jump back to reality and realize the world we live in is so imperfect. I am trying to come to the point where I realize that HIS plans are good and perfect and HIS timing is never late. I am focusing on Lil' Man and Arizona and trying hard not to dwell on the fact that come March my arms will be empty. I could have shared this last week but I wasn't ready. I had to come to the realization that this has nothing at all to do with me. I'm just a worker who has given the BOSS an all access pass to my heart, dreams and desires. Right now he has me (trying to) focus on these that are with me for THIS time and for HIS purpose. My heart and my head are learning to work together and trust HIM alone to fulfill the desires HE has placed in my heart. Letting go is another story... How does one completely let go?