November 12, 2009
March seems so far away. I know how the system works and I know the possibility that the boys may be here longer than that. I had a bad morning and I am feeling a bit more transparent (than I normally am). I'd rather have them leave NOW and go through the pain, hurt and loss NOW...instead of prolonging the inevitable. I know it will hurt more the longer they're here. Part of me has held back from bonding because it hurts SO much when they leave. I've seen how much they regress when they are around mom and how much they really do understand the difference in 'rules' between my house and mommy's house. As far as they have both come I've seen regression in the past few days and it scares me. I know that love isn't enough but I have to completely trust God that they're here because it's HIS will for them to be here. Arizona had a horrible morning and he just got off the bus in the same mood. When he's like this he's unable to be reasoned with and he throws things and screams. When he acts like this it feels like he's been with us a day...not 4 months. I called the caseworker and he reassured me I'm doing everything I can to provide stability, routine and consistency and I am but I feel like a need a Ph*D on days like this. My heart breaks that he's hurting and I can't help him. He can't verbalize exactly what the problem is and I can only imagine the hurts in his little heart. The thrashing is scary. It looks like he's possessed. He kicks and screams until his little face is red. I don't know what to do. We've come so far only to resort back to this... What am I doing wrong??? I wish I could find what triggers this and fix it. Or at least ground myself before he's set off again. This tantrum came out of no where. People call them 'demons'... I really feel, sometimes, that is exactly what I'm dealing with.
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5 comments:
I am SO sorry. Does he have a therapist? There is just no way to describe to non-foster parents the range of emotions we feel, the stretching that happens to us emotionally and spiritually when we foster parent. There were times with my little 2 year old last year that I would weep with my head on my kitchen counter in front of God and everybody in my family and say, "God, I'm NOT this strong! I'm not!" The pain the kiddo felt seemed to grow worse the more he trusted us. Every day was like being on guard against a terrorist. The last month he was with us, many of his "demons" were worn down. And my daughter said to me, "Mom, it would have been easier if he left when he was so hard to deal with. Now that he's better, he has to go. Its not fair." It isn't, but I have to remind myself, God knows. He knows, he knows, he knows. So from my heart to yours, I understand, and I'm praying.
wow, that sounds SO awful. I have no advice, but you must be exhausted at times dealing with this (or not knowing how to deal with it- that would be so hard). Poor little guy.
I know I wish I could just get into their little heads to see from their viewpoints!!!
I know exactly how you feel. It hurts to bond with them, knowing how easily they will be ripped away. But it hurts to have them around you and to not bond with them. Even just as the "foster sister" I know how it feels. Keep hanging strong! You are truly an encouragement!
i hear ya. :( there is a lot of this that is no fun.
I understand completely what you are talking about. When our two older foster children were going to visits it was so hard to see them regress and oh the rages my foster son had. Never in my life had I ever witnessed such a thing. I have said so many times it is like he is possessed. His voice changes, he is strong as an ox, he is plain crazy and thankfully a totally different child during his rages. I am so sorry.
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