Well, a countdown has begun. A while back I had this conversation with God. It went something like this...
"Well, God. I was under the impression that YOU placed this desire to adopt in my heart. It's been burning REALLY strong for quite a while. We've been fostering for 4 LONG years and, well, I was wondering...DO you have a plan or are you 'winging' it?"

:::crickets:::

OK, so he didn't quite answer me the way I'd hoped. I WANTED to hear something like this...


"Well, you've put your blood, sweat and tears into fostering and I do plan on fulfilling this desire that I have placed in you. So on **/**/09 I will place a baby boy in your arms and he will be HOME. YOU will be his family and you'll all live happily ever after."


Didn't happen...


So, since then it's been a journey {of sorts} to seek HIS will for what MY purpose in all this is. I completely adore my bio children and am completely and wholly fulfilled in being their mother. This is different. It's almost like saying I've never experienced a pregnancy or birth. I feel like I've never held a newborn. This desire consumes me. It is SO much more that just wanting a baby. It's dreaming of a child I know will one day be mine. Wishing for him to be here to look at the leaves change color...hold his chubby hand as we stroll down the street... I've often thought that maybe {just maybe} I've idealized everything about him. I anticipate the diapers, tears and long nights and I actually look forward to them. But it seems that no matter HOW MUCH I try to 'help' God by finding the perfect situation for us...it just doesn't happen. I've searched waiting child lists and emailed 'ba*by bro*kers' in hopes of finding a situation that would best fit our family. I've told EVERYONE I know that we're hoping to adopt and to please keep their ears open. You'd think we'd get ONE possibility. Nope. Not one. SO, after a few years drag by and our emotions are RAW from the loss we've experienced with fostering...I decide that maybe I need to take a different approach to it. Maybe it's not God's timing for us right now. Maybe He has something better planned. {Is that REALLY possible God? Can you REALLY know HOW important this is to me?} LoL.



I'm learning.



I've spoken to 3 different people this week about the emotions that go along with foster care. How it broke my heart to hand over the babies we cared for and tried to move on. This foster*ing thing is definitely NOT for weak. I have tried {endlessly} to pry open windows God himself must be holding closed. It comes down to faith. Do I have the right to think it's all about me? I have looked at this from different angles and I sometimes think that God has us on this journey to wrap my arms around these babies and let HIM love them through me. Is it easy? No. Knowing the pain we will go through when these boys leave makes me want them to leave now so we don't get any more attached. Then I look at it from a different angle. If not me, then WHO will be a light to the bio parents? The only Jesus they EVER see might be through me. If that is the case? What am I showing them? Am I able to love without thoroughly and without condition? No. Not on my own. But through HIM I am. I have patience where there was only tolerance. God has shown me many things about myself through this process. The only thing that I will share with you is this...I need to have HIM as my first and only and all good things will come ONLY when I am fulfilled in HIM alone. It comes down to trust. I have always heard how good God is but do I still think He's good when I don't get what I want? When I don't get what I've worked SO hard for? What I think I deserve?

Since I am human and aware that foster*ing is beginning to take an emotional toll on my family I have given God my 'notice'. My husband and I have agreed that we will continue to foster for the next 363 days. We will see the boys through the rest of their journey in 'care'. Then we will be EXTREMELY selective on the next placement we are called on. By this time next year we will turn in our license and close our home to fostering. If God chooses to bless our family through adoption BEFORE then...wonderful. If not, we are sure that IF it is to happen for us it will NOT be through the foster*care system. So now at least there is an end in sight. This gives us a short term goal to works towards and helps us move on...need be. I am numb. I don't know what else to feel. We love having these children in our home and especially watching them blossom but the emotional beating our hearts take is not worth the fighting the system. The system is set up for the bios. Not the children and especially NOT the foster*parents. SO...1 more year. The countdown has begun...