The only thought going through my head is...I wish I were someplace else.

Today was a hard day. I took Arizona and Lil' Man to Owen's birthday party. (Owen is their older brother placed with another family.)
Chaos.
Mass Chaos.
For anonymity purposes I will not disclose the type of party it was or where it was held. Hope was there and so was most of her family. I won't go into detail of why I feel the way I do because I am still mighty angry about the way I was treated and 'stared' at by her family. Lets suffice it to say that while I don't doubt the love that Hope has for her boys...I DO doubt her abilities to parent. After today, I feel like she is putting on a show for the caseworkers. I saw her amongst her family and was not impressed at how she left her 2 & 1 year old sons to their own devices in a public place. She and her family (hopefully one day) WILL come to the understanding that it was NOT MY actions that placed these babies in foster*care. The fact that NOT ONE of the family members that were at the party today would not step up to keep these boys from going into care makes me ANGRY! Then they have the audacity to look at me as if I'M the bad guy! Arizona threw a HUGE tantrum and I handled it just like I would if I were home. I did the best I could to 'diffuse' him and redirect and (in my opinion) I handled it perfectly. He even got to the point where he stopped crying, held my hand and walked away with a smile on his face.
The looks from the family...that's another story.

But you know what? That wasn't the worst part. I didn't HAVE to go. To be honest, I'm not even sure I was ALLOWED ( by D*S*S) to be there.
I felt unappreciated and 'dirty'.
I SO want to be done with these feelings.
I am NOT looking forward to the raw emotion when I have to hand these babies back to their mother who is not ready to parent her children.
I am not ready to worry day and night about if their needs are being met or if they'll be taken into custody again.
I am not ready to have ALL the love, time and effort it has taken my family to help heal these boys be UNDONE in an instant when I have to hand them back.
After today I can honestly say that although I am 'only the foster parent', I am NOT 100% in agreement that Hope can affectively (ever) parent her boys. She has NOT yet fully taken responsibility for her boys coming into care and right now I CANNOT give her ANY emotional support until SHE PROVES TO ME that she can handle these precious little lives. No parent is perfect...I understand that. But these boys deserve SO much more than she seems willing to give right now. That's just my opinion... But I'm 'only the foster parent'...