It is with a heavy heart that I write this and I'm not sure if I'll be able to adequately explain my feelings. I know this post has most likely been a long time in the making but I guess I have felt too guilty to write it. I have tried many times going over the reasons and I can come up with many. During out M*A*P*P classes one thing my husband and I learned was that we KNOW how to communicate. THAT is our strength. One of my weaknesses is NOT letting go of things I have no control over. I try my best to 'fix' things and it has taken me a while to realize that I am no one's {savior}. 5 months ago I got a call. I asked many questions but no one really had any answers so I jumped into a situation that {had I the information I have NOW} I probably wouldn't have touched with a 10 foot pole. I am a bit naive enough to think that I CAN still heal them but the realist in me knows that they need a supernatural healing that only God can give.

This week we will be requesting that the boys be moved.

I never thought I'd say those words. I feel guilty but I know this is a decision that is in the best interest of our family. Our family should come first. These boys have been running our house for the past 5 months and we've had enough. For a while they seemed to really be progressing and we thought that maybe we could help them. Reality set in and we have realized that the minute the boys leave this house their 'old' rules set in and they think it's a free-for-all. My heart is breaking for them and I feel beyond guilty that we will just be a 'fos*ter' family they have lived with but we really feel that our patience is gone and that the grace that God gave us to begin this journey...has lifted. How can I help them heal when I'm just as angry as they are? My biggest fear is that the next family will not be able to handle them and they too, will move the boys... This decision does not come lightly and our hearts are very heavy.


PLEASE keep them {and US} in your prayers....

I was blessed again by Felix's grandma! She sent some CHRISTmas pictures of him. He is absolutely adorable! His birthday is this week...he turns 2. Time flies...

I have decided to take Lil' Man out of daycare completely after the holidays. I will be giving them my notice today. These boys are possibly leaving in March and instead of having him get used to a whole other facility I think I'll just keep him home. I had looked into another daycare center last week and it turns out that the director was in the news recently and so was her husband. I am VERY glad I did not leave my number with her. It would have been a bit uncomfortable trying to explain to her why we won't be going there. It is a relatively new facility and they have very low enrollment. Maybe other parents saw her on the news as well.... just sayin'... :)

One day last week we left the boys so we could have a family day. They were absolutely HORRIBLE. They kicked my friend, screamed for hours and threw toys. She asked me NOT to ask her again to watch them. Am I the ONLY one that has a hard time bonding with unmanageable boys??? Please, tell me this is normal. I am a bit angry that all they have learned here goes out the window the minute they leave this house. What will it be like when they go home?? March is not that far off and more then once a day I tell myself to send them on...now! This has been THE HARDEST thing I've EVER done. I know that giving up on them will make them regress but sometimes I just want my family back. Our lives have been turned upside down by these 'babies' and sometimes it is SO hard to love them through this. Broken toys, books and walls have been my life for the past 5 months. I have tried EVERYthing I know to help them heal and feel secure. But it turns out that the second they leave this house they resort back to how they were with their mom. This is HER problem and I can't fix {in 5 months} what it took her 2 years to build! Now, I just pray for the strength to get through each day in one piece. I know HIS strength is perfect. It HAS to be because MY strength is GONE and I'm still doing this...taking one day at a time.

I am a bit frustrated with the caseworker today. I was asked to do a CHRISTmas Eve visit and I am a bit peeved. Visits have ALWAYS been on a certain day and now because neither of the caseworkers are available to supervise...I HAVE TO BE INCONVENIENCED!!! I really tried to get out of it and I was even told {by Owen's caseworker} that I am supposed to be in SUPPORT of 'fostering the relationship between Hope and her boys'. Um, hello... I have been taking care of her boys, bringing them to their visit and changing my LIFE for these boys. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Today I wish I was someone else! Not a foster parent...just a regular person that has a life OUTSIDE of foster care. What did I say, you ask??? Of course I broke down and said yes! She guilted me into it! I hate to be manipulated into doing something because someone ELSE is too lazy!! My caseworker doesn't want to supervise and Owen's caseworker is going to be out that day this week. So, their letting Owen, Arizona and Lil' Man's aunt supervise the visit. This is the same aunt that had submitted a home study to get custody of the boys but for some reason her house was denied. I refused to transport so they offered to pick he boys up at my house...um, NO! I don't want any of their family members here! Is that wrong? No! I don't feel that ANY of them have earned the privilege of seeing how or where to boys live until they are ready to go home. Today I want to give up. Today I don't want to be a foster parent. Today I want to be DONE! The problem is I am so freakin' strong-willed that I don't want to be 'had' by the system. I want to get out of this mess with a level head and standing strong. I don't wanna go down without a fight or give up because they took advantage of me. This is SO wrong in MANY ways...

Daycare dilemma...



Lil' Man has been going to daycare 2 days a week since the middle of August. In the beginning when he was dropped off he was so happy. I think he really loves being with other children his age. He has had some incidents with biting but nothing major. Back in the end of September I changed daycare establishments. Same name, different location. Only because this new one is closer to my house. It really is a luxury for me since these boys need constant supervision and I really have no break. The teacher in Lil Man's room has raised some red flags in the nurturing department. He used to be SO happy when I dropped him off (at the old location and in the beginning of his dyas at the new location) and there was always a smile on his face. Lately he's been whining and not letting me put him down. His teacher *Ann has NOT really been one to step in and help pry him off my leg. Come to think of it, he never really cried until Ann became his teacher. His original teacher *Mary, is out on maternity leave. So, a few weeks ago, I walk into the classroom, take off Lil' Man's coat and encourage him to go color with his friends. All the kids in the class were SO excited to see him but the teachers didn't even acknowledge him. The kids were all sitting around the table coloring Thanksgiving pictures. I had to sit with him and ask for a coloring page because 5 minutes after standing there NO ONE invited him over. When Ann finally gave him a page there was no more 'boy' pilgrims for him to color. There were only girls. Now seriously, he is there only 2 days a week. THE SAME 2 DAYS A WEEK, EVERY WEEK!!! Why would they not prepare enough 'girl pilgrims' for the girls and 'boy' pilgrims for the boys. I went to the director and asked her if there was a problem and she mentioned that he has had some issues with biting. She said NOTHING to reassure me that he was doing fine and barely apologized for Ann's behavior. The next time I brought him I can assure you Ann was spoken to by the director. Ann must have taken a lesson in brown nosing because she does it SO well. She must have said good morning to me 5 times and she actually took Lil' Man out of my arms. She acknowledged him and how cute he looked. (@@ <--- eye roll) Anyway, it seems that every time I go to pick him up she has something to say. "He bit someone today", "his hair is in his face", "his poop smells" {yes, she actually complained to me about the smell of his poop!}. The last time I picked him {earlier this week} they were waiting for me in the lobby with coats on {both teachers and Lil' Man} as if I were late. NOW, I understand that they have a LONG day with many little ones but I was on time to pick him up. Even though he was the last baby to leave they should have not made me feel rushed...right??? Anyway, I am supposed to pick him up by 5:30 and I was there at 5:25. AND the kicker was...he had a dirty diaper. Now, if she had not complained about the amount he poops and the way it smells, I would have blown it off. But for them to stand there waiting for me with coat in hand and him dressed to leave it kinda bothered me. It really bothered me!!! So, question is...do I leave him there when I feel he may be ostracized for things that are completely our of his control (example- foster care, length of his hair, poop) or do I find someone else to take him so I'm at peace???

<--- This month

<--- 3rd month

<--- 2nd month

<---1st month

I know I've shared that Hope has not allowed me to cut Lil' Man's hair. I really think he needs a hair cut!!! But I'm ONLY the foster parent!!! I've had to deal with SO many people asking if he's a boy or girl and I've had to deal with his teachers complaining about his hair in his face. Either they don't hear me or they don't understand!!! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO CUT IT! So, I've been creative. I took pictures to prove my point...

It's really gross when he eats...it needs to be pulled back {like a girl}.

It's HORRIBLE when his nose is running and his hair sticks to his snot...

It keeps him from seeing clearly and he makes NO effort to move it!!! {He walks in to walls and stumbles over things in his way...cuz he CAN'T SEE!!}

Any suggestions???? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Well, it looks like someone may have been telling a very big lie. 'Hope' will not give the name of her 'friend' and was very offended when she was asked by the caseworker. I spoke to Owen's foster mom and she was a bit upset that I was so harsh with 'Hope'. It's obvious that 'Hope' called her after me and 'tattled' on me. Owen's foster mom was brought up to speed on why I feel the was I do. It's obvious that she has been kept out of the loop about many detail and now she is more informed she feels the same way I do. If 'Hope' is lying...things will change. I am thankful that my caseworker is not oblivious to what these bio parents can pull and I am able to be 100% honest with him about my feelings and concerns. Owen's foster mom made a good point. She said that we should all get together once a week so everyone is well informed on what's been going on. There are 2 caseworkers {Arizona & Lil' Man have one through the county and Owen has one through an agency} and 2 foster moms {Owen's and myself}. It is so easy for details to be lost in the cracks of communication. Not that I love a good fight or anything but I am ALL ABOUT accountability!!! I see things in black and white. There is NO grey. I am anxious to see how this plays out....

Our week was eventful...to say the least. The boys bio mom (who I have kindly referred to as 'Hope') has proved to be anything BUT hopeful. The boys visit was scheduled for earlier in the week and she actually called ME the night before to confirm the time of the visit. I rearranged my day to accommodate the visit (it hasn't REALLY been set to a specific time and day). As Arizona got off the bus he asked if we were going to see Owen (big brother...placed elsewhere) I told him that we were and his smile could have out shined the sun. This kid ADORES his big brother. SO off we went. We pulled in the driveway to find Owen's case worker and Owen ALSO waiting for Hope. Did I fail to mention that the visits have been at Hope's new apartment for the 6 weeks?? Well, here we all are in the driveway waiting for Hope. Evidently she did not show up for an earlier appointment that they had scheduled for Owen and was now not home for the visit with her boys. She WAS aware of the time and place of BOTH appointments that day because SHE called Owen's caseworker earlier that morning to confirm she'd be there. Owen's caseworker called our caseworker and he hadn't heard from her either. Owen's caseworker tried Hope and no one picked up her phone. Messages were left. I was told by my caseworker that I was free to leave after 15 minutes of waiting. For a minute I want you to imagine what Arizona (3) must have felt as pulled out of the driveway because mommy wasn't there to see him. Imagine the feelings he felt toward me!!! He kept asking "I wanna see Owen, I wanna see Owen. Can we go back to mommy's now? I wanna see Owen". As if it were my fault. I called our caseworker later in the day to ask if he'd heard from Hope. He said no. Then at about 5pm I got a phone call. It was Hope trying to explain that she was at the hospital all day with a friend who'd been in a car accident. Her friend passed away. I was honest and harsh (hey, in MY defense, she called ME!!!) I explained to her that I would NOT apologize for her to her boys. I asked her why she didn't call and get in touch with one of the caseworkers or foster parents to let us know so the boys wouldn't be waiting. I explained that the bond with her boys should have been stronger to the friendship she shared with this person and seeing that she only had 2 hours a week with her sons she should have been waiting there for US not the other way around!!! I apologized for the loss of her friend and got off the phone. I was angry. In MY mind...she should live, breathe and sleep for the visits with her sons. She should be counting down the days and preparing {all week} to see them. I was not afraid to tell her that she let them AND me down. In my book that was strike one.
I was unafraid of the consequences that I might face due to being honest with her. So when the phone rang first thing the next morning I was ready to tell the caseworker I had no regrets for tone OR the words that were used in my conversation with Hope. The caseworker proceeded to tell me that he thought I should let HIM be the 'bad guy' because I was already a threat to Hope. I understand where he is coming from and the conversation ended with a question. Did this car accident REALLY happen. Did she REALLY sit at a hospital while her friend was treated and died? Or did she just not feel like sitting with her boys for their visit... Hopefully we get answers to that question and hopefully she didn't LIE (to avoid spending time with her kids). I really hope she doesn't think she's fooling anyone. Well then yeah, I might need to change her 'blog' name...
I'm sure you can figure out what it would be...