It is with a heavy heart that I write this and I'm not sure if I'll be able to adequately explain my feelings. I know this post has most likely been a long time in the making but I guess I have felt too guilty to write it. I have tried many times going over the reasons and I can come up with many. During out M*A*P*P classes one thing my husband and I learned was that we KNOW how to communicate. THAT is our strength. One of my weaknesses is NOT letting go of things I have no control over. I try my best to 'fix' things and it has taken me a while to realize that I am no one's {savior}. 5 months ago I got a call. I asked many questions but no one really had any answers so I jumped into a situation that {had I the information I have NOW} I probably wouldn't have touched with a 10 foot pole. I am a bit naive enough to think that I CAN still heal them but the realist in me knows that they need a supernatural healing that only God can give.
This week we will be requesting that the boys be moved.
I never thought I'd say those words. I feel guilty but I know this is a decision that is in the best interest of our family. Our family should come first. These boys have been running our house for the past 5 months and we've had enough. For a while they seemed to really be progressing and we thought that maybe we could help them. Reality set in and we have realized that the minute the boys leave this house their 'old' rules set in and they think it's a free-for-all. My heart is breaking for them and I feel beyond guilty that we will just be a 'fos*ter' family they have lived with but we really feel that our patience is gone and that the grace that God gave us to begin this journey...has lifted. How can I help them heal when I'm just as angry as they are? My biggest fear is that the next family will not be able to handle them and they too, will move the boys... This decision does not come lightly and our hearts are very heavy.
PLEASE keep them {and US} in your prayers....
7 comments:
I truly, truly understand. We've had to disrupt 2 placements in the 5 yrs we've been doing this. It's never, ever an easy thing to do.
I felt like a huge failure both times. But like you, I knew it was making MY family something I never wanted it to be.
I received some good advice from a SW.
"YOu have to keep yourself & your family in a sane place, so that you can help the kids that is within your rhelm to really help."
You're in my prayers
D, Thanks for your prayers. This has been THE biggest battle for me...letting go. I want so much to be able to heal them. By keeping them I am only causing my family more pain. I am curious to see if they'll still use us as a placement after this. I DO feel like a failure. This is so hard...
wow. i say wow because tonight I called my hubby and told him that i think, after many many red flags and just the most disturbing one today, that i am sure that i am not capable of adopting K and that it is time for him to move on. so i am right there with you-and i feel like a selfish failure. i am not sure when i will make the call but i think that it will be next week.
i will be praying for you guys, and you are right, we can't be their "savior".
Leah, You know we have really struggled with the thought of disrupting this placement because of how emotionally fragile A & L are but bottom line is...family first. I have to keep reminding myself that this is Hope's battle, not mine. My family did the best I could for them and we have suffered greatly. The grace has lifted and I can't heal them when I am not whole. I feel emotionally exhausted! I am looking forward to getting back to my family and having the opportunity to give them 100% instead of giving them only the leftovers. Email me if you need to chat Leah. I'd love to see how the CHRISTmas visit went for S. Blessings...
Oh sweets! I can't imagine the battle that has been going on in your hearts and heads lately. I admire you honesty and thank you for sharing even this tough part of you journey. I'm sure it's going to speak to many. Praying hard for you!
Dawn.
What a hard decision. Hoping your family heals and returns back stronger than ever from the experience of having these boys in your home.
I think you are doing the right thing, and I'm certain I would do the same if in that situation. Keep us posted on how the transition goes, I haven't had to do this yet, but I suppose the odds are in my favor for the future. Praying and hoping it goes well for all of you!
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