Copied and pasted from November 20th, 2009

Well, a countdown has begun. A while back I had this conversation with God. It went something like this...
"Well, God. I was under the impression that YOU placed this desire to adopt in my heart. It's been burning REALLY strong for quite a while. We've been fostering for 4 LONG years and, well, I was wondering...DO you have a plan or are you 'winging' it?"

:::crickets:::

OK, so he didn't quite answer me the way I'd hoped. I WANTED to hear something like this...

"Well, you've put your blood, sweat and tears into fostering and I do plan on fulfilling this desire that I have placed in you. So on **/**/09 I will place a baby boy in your arms and he will be HOME. YOU will be his family and you'll all live happily ever after."

Didn't happen...

So, since then it's been a journey {of sorts} to seek HIS will for what MY purpose in all this is. I completely adore my bio children and am completely and wholly fulfilled in being their mother. This is different. It's almost like saying I've never experienced a pregnancy or birth. I feel like I've never held a newborn. This desire consumes me. It is SO much more that just wanting a baby. It's dreaming of a child I know will one day be mine. Wishing for him to be here to look at the leaves change color...hold his chubby hand as we stroll down the street... I've often thought that maybe {just maybe} I've idealized everything about him. I anticipate the diapers, tears and long nights and I actually look forward to them. But it seems that no matter HOW MUCH I try to 'help' God by finding the perfect situation for us...it just doesn't happen. I've searched waiting child lists and emailed 'ba*by bro*kers' in hopes of finding a situation that would best fit our family. I've told EVERYONE I know that we're hoping to adopt and to please keep their ears open. You'd think we'd get ONE possibility. Nope. Not one. SO, after a few years drag by and our emotions are RAW from the loss we've experienced with fostering...I decide that maybe I need to take a different approach to it. Maybe it's not God's timing for us right now. Maybe He has something better planned. {Is that REALLY possible God? Can you REALLY know HOW important this is to me?} LoL.

I'm learning.

I've spoken to 3 different people this week about the emotions that go along with foster care. How it broke my heart to hand over the babies we cared for and tried to move on. This foster*ing thing is definitely NOT for weak. I have tried {endlessly} to pry open windows God himself must be holding closed. It comes down to faith. Do I have the right to think it's all about me? I have looked at this from different angles and I sometimes think that God has us on this journey to wrap my arms around these babies and let HIM love them through me. Is it easy? No. Knowing the pain we will go through when these boys leave makes me want them to leave now so we don't get any more attached. Then I look at it from a different angle. If not me, then WHO will be a light to the bio parents? The only Jesus they EVER see might be through me. If that is the case? What am I showing them? Am I able to love thoroughly and without condition? No. Not on my own.

But through HIM I am.

I have patience where there was only tolerance. God has shown me many things about myself through this process. The only thing that I will share with you is this...I need to have HIM as my first and only and all good things will come ONLY when I am fulfilled in HIM alone. It comes down to trust. I have always heard how good God is but do I still think He's good when I don't get what I want? When I don't get what I've worked SO hard for? What I think I deserve?

Since I am human and aware that foster*ing is beginning to take an emotional toll on my family I have given God my 'notice'. My husband and I have agreed that we will continue to foster for the next 363 days. We will see the boys through the rest of their journey in 'care'. Then we will be EXTREMELY selective on the next placement we are called on. By this time next year we will turn in our license and close our home to fostering. If God chooses to bless our family through adoption BEFORE then...wonderful. If not, we are sure that IF it is to happen for us it will NOT be through the foster*care system. So now at least there is an end in sight. This gives us a short term goal to works towards and helps us move on...need be. I am numb. I don't know what else to feel. We love having these children in our home and especially watching them blossom but the emotional beating our hearts take is not worth the fighting the system. The system is set up for the bios. Not the children and especially NOT the foster*parents. SO...1 more year. The countdown has begun...

missed again...

No confirmation call from Sprout's bio mom today...

Will be posting on the private blog for a while. 
Lots of things happening...
not all can be shared publicly.

Email me for an invite :)

Well, Sprout had a visit today.  4 hours unsupervised with his bio mom and whoever she was with.  The agency worker asked me to transport there (hubby did) and that means that no one checked her apartment to see if there was food or any unauthorized people there.  I am getting to the point where I am nervous to let him leave me for visits.  She is reckless.  The agency worker seems to believe that bio mom has turned over a new leaf.  (Insert eye roll here @@) "She said she's been going a rough patch (with her boyfriend who doesn't beat her??)  but she'll start calling again for visits.  Yippee....  :/

On a worse note there WILL be a pris0n visit next week...3 hours away :*( 

Missed visits, new baby

Sprout's bio mom did not call for a visit yesterday (Wednesday).  So she missed over a month in visits and called once (last Friday) for a visit.  Now she's missed 2 visits already this week. 

I called the county worker to find out what the next steps are while we wait for T*PR.  She told me that the new baby bio mom is carrying is NOT fathered by her current boyfriend  :X

The new baby daddy is currently incarcerated (for beating up bio mom, I THINK) and the guy she is with now treats her very good.  There is no d0mest!c v!0lence and he has even offered to pay for her housing (since she missed her mental health appointment she LOST her subsidized housing).  She can keep her apartment but now has to pay the FULL $575 a month instead of the $6 a month (that is not a typo...she paid $6 a month).  Anyway, he has offered to pay her rent (supposedly he is not living there) IF she goes on a job interview.  Not sure how to process this new information.  I originally thought that this new guy was the baby daddy and since he drove, had a job and was still with her after 4 months that HE would be willing to take the new baby.  Bio mom told the county worker that the dirtbag guy who beat her up is the father and since she did that it is now documented.  The next few months should be fun...intense but fun. 

Trying hard to wrap my mind around this whole situation.  Sprout has NO relationship with his bio father.  He has spent a total of less than 2 supervised hours with him in his short 19 months.  To make the 3 hour drive (one way) then have to go all through security to sit with a virtual stranger...SO not fair.  I am kind of glad that Sprout will have no memory of having to do this.  I feel like we are close enough to the end that I can relax but far enough to make me wonder how long this is going to take.  The county had 90 days to file TP*R paperwork.  That 90 days is up August 21st.  We are so close...not sure what the process is.   I know that after the paperwork is filed there will be a court date scheduled for around 2 weeks from then.  The bio's will have the chance to surrender then.  Not sure what they're thinking right now.  The judge ordered the county to file the termination paperwork so I think it would kind of pointless for the bios' lawyers to advise them to appeal.  The case would be heard by the same judge.  I still don't know how far along bio mom is in her pregnancy or how that will affect her decision.  In the past, she has surrendered her rights to the current child in hopes to parent the new baby.  Also, still not sure who the new baby daddy is.   If you know me in real life, I am THE MOST impatient person EVER!! I am the type of person to read the last page of the book to find out how it ends.  God is most definitely refining that aspect of my life.   I am beginning to realize that I can't save them all.  I know that certain situations will be put in my path so that I can make a difference and I am made aware of others so I can pray.  This most definitely has been one incredible journey and with my sweet boy in my arms I would not change a thing.

Not sure WHAT to think...no call, no visit for Sprout today.  When the agency worker called he said that he is scheduling a visit for next week for Sprout's bio dad...yep...in Pr!sOn!! Just to clarify, this is the same bio dad who had his mother call me to tell me that he was surrendering his rights!!!  2 months ago!!! 

Road trip with the agency worker...yeah...  :/ 

Unsupervised :(

She called.  There was a 4 hour UNSUPERVISED visit.  Last week, the county worker had mentioned that if she goes an extended period of time without seeing him, maybe they should bring the visits BACK to D*S*S and keep them supervised.  I brought this up to the agency worker...  Nope, because they HAVE to prove reasonable efforts in court for T*P*R.  So, my boy was subject to a visit with his bio mother UNSUPERVISED because of a legality.  There was NO WAY for the agency worker to 'pop-in' because she doesn't have to stay home.  So I have NO CLUE WHO she was with or WHAT she was doing. 
I am a bit frustrated...can you tell!?!?