So...I made a phone call to follow up on an inquiry we'd made on a 13 month old baby. (How's THAT for a run on sentence???) I was extremely discouraged when I was told that although they 'routinely' place children out of state (for adoption), this may take many months to find a family that best suits this little one. That is where I really feel the system fails these children. Here we are, a ready family. Our paperwork complete. Just waiting here. I would get on a plane in an hour if it came down to that. No, instead, this baby has to wait for the caseworker (who probably has a dozen or more children in his/her care) to gather up enough home studies. Then he/she has to narrow those home studies down to 3. At this point she gives those 3 home studies over to the adoption committee and THEY make the decision. So...again...I'll wait. (Or in obedience...BE STILL) Not that I have a choice.

We've been toying with the idea of a domestic adoption. Constantly checking 'waiting child' lists and making follow up phone calls. I know I should 'Be Still' but it's what I do best...trying to help God out. Here I am following every 'road' that may end having us bring a baby home. I really think that when the road 'stops' that it's God closing a door. We've had many doors close in our face. HE is still in control.

I wonder how much he's grown. Would he recognize us?? It has been 4 weeks without that sweet boy. He is greatly missed.

THE BOY WHO LIVED AT OUR HOUSE

Was he just imagination the baby boy I held so dear?

The one who lived here at our house I remember him so clear.

I used to rock him in a chair till he was fast asleep;

And when his eyes would finally close past his crib I'd softly creep.

He only stayed a little while...he won't come here anymore,

Although I'll always wish I'd see him running through our door.

The boy who lived at our house, his smile, his angel face,

Not only was he mine awhile, now he's in God's grace.

God let me keep him for awhile that boy who lived with me,

And then He sent him off again for his grandparents to see.

And there, I pray, he knows the love he felt while he was here.

He'll know how much we cared and how we hold him oh so dear.

Then we'll meet again someday when toward Heaven I depart.

But until I see him there with God I'll just keep him forever in my heart.

~unknown~

(picture removed)

I miss you...my sweet baby boy.

I've heard NOTHING about Felix but I'm not sure if I expected to. We really miss him and would love to hear 'something' but that's this wonderful thing called fostering. Love 'em and send 'em off. Hoping for the best. He is never far from my thoughts and prayers. The girls keep asking for a baby brother but I'm not sure how many more times I can do this. More later...

Trying hard to move on...it should be easy right? He was never mine. Not so much. I've been asked more times than I can count..."how are you?" Do people really want the truth?? I'm miserable. I keep hearing him cry and I feel like I'm going insane. I am always 'checking' on him only to find that he's not there. And the MOST adorable Baby G.A.P. bathing suit that I had purchased for him arrived yesterday only to be packed away. I know that I should be thrilled that he is with relatives BUT I'm not. I don't know what I thought would happen but hope never let up for a miracle. I know that every time a baby leaves a little piece of my heart goes with them. How many more times can I handle this feeling? Now I understand why people don't want to foster. The feeling of loss. Emptiness. Sometimes I think that life would be easier if we had the money for an internati*onal adoption. I know that this is what we signed up for. I am a horrible foster*parent. I say that because I am not EVER prepared to give them back. I would LOVE to keep them all. OK, well maybe not ALL. But I definitely was NOT prepared to give him back this early. There is so much I'll miss but I can do nothing about. First words, foods, steps...the list could go on forever. Felix will always be in my prayers. Sorry for the venting but hey...that's what I have this site for. :)