March 28, 2008 Evening

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have called the caseworker until Monday...Felix is leaving.........tomorrow. Supposedly the judge ordered custody to his grandparents yesterday. While I am beyond thrilled he is going to a family member...I can't help but think this could have all been avoided had she said yes and taken him right out of the hospital. But that would mean that we would have never had the blessing of him in this house for the past few months. I know God has HIS hand on Felix so I am not worried. I'm just going to miss him. Not sure how many more times my heart can take this kind of pain. Since I am unable to type through my tears, I'll end with this...

My sweet baby boy, "May the LORD bless you and keep you..
May HIS face shine on you and be gracious to you."

March 28, 2008 Afternoon


Just a quick update. Felix is doing well. I'm sure he is well over 10 pounds now. He is smiling more and SO engaging. He does NOT like to be left alone and cries when he sees me walk out of his sight. He is sleeping better at night and still naps quite a bit during the day. All of us are falling in LOVE more and more every day. I look forward to his first words, steps and hugs. I don't know what the future holds for my sweet boy but he already is someone special. He has been introduced to his grandma and papa. They sure do seem to like him. After seeing them interacting with him I'm sure they will take good care of him. The thought of him leaving became VERY real yesterday after a meeting with his family. The only thought I had was "God, he's in your hands. You love him more than I EVER could. If it's in YOUR plan for him to stay...we would be forever grateful for this blessing. But if he has to go...I'm thankful for the time I had with him and I know that my hopes and dreams for a baby boy of my own will be fulfilled in YOUR time." My human mind was saying "let them see how much we love him and how well he's doing. Then they'll be at peace that he's ok and they can visit every once in a while." Reality sets in pretty quick when his family is around. It keeps me grounded that we still have a LONG way to go until he could be ours. I'll try to be patient... I have to go call the caseworker back. She left a message on my machine.
Here goes nothing... more later...

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just disconnect the phone. Especially with the caller ID. I cringe when it is possibly the caseworker. Like today, for example. She called to let me know that her supervisor has approved grandma for bi weekly visits. I guess I should be glad that someone in his family wants him. It still bothers me that she didn't want him when she could have had him out of the hospital. Now that she does want him it took her 12 weeks to come around and call the case worker. I am preparing myself for him to go but of course I would love if he could stay.
Trusting God knows better than I do...

GOOD NEWS!!! Felix can hear! I took him to get tested today. We still have to take him down for more testing but HE HEARS!!! Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks for all the advice and suggestions about the rash. It is still raw. He is air drying again! :) I have shopped for summer with the hopes that he'll still be here but I did save my receipts. Not that I am giving up hope but I am a realist. We'll have to just wait and see. I refuse to send summer clothes with him if he leaves (especially with tags) because I really am not comfortable around his grandmother yet. I would love to know her true intentions for taking Felix. It would make it a little easier to give him to her. Right now, after 12 weeks, blood means NOTHING to me. He has had NO ONE but me for the past 12 weeks and then sh shuffles into his life and pulls the blanket from under all he knows. I don't think it's right. Especially when he'll wind up in daycare all week. Can you tell I'm a little bitter??

Felix is doing well...aside from the NASTY diaper ra*sh he has had for a few weeks now. I feel SO bad for him. He is 'air drying' right now. Anyone with some good suggestions??? Please HELP! We met maternal grandma on Monday and in one word I would describe her as fake. We'll leave it at that. This is the same woman who was called for Felix before he even left the hospital and she said NO. Now she shows up 12 weeks later and is in love??? Whatever. We'll have to wait and see what happens with that one. On a lighter note, tomorrow is Felix's hearing test. He has had 3 appointments so far and they have all said that he does not have 'normal' hearing. Pray please. Only God can touch this sweet baby boy and make him whole. More later...

It has been whirlwind of a day. I always say "there's NEVER a dull moment in this house." It's been 12 weeks and of course I'd feel sceptical if anyone were to show up NOW, after all this time. Not sure what to think but this 'walk' is not an easy one.

As always...it all starts with a phone call...



The day was going great until the phone rang. I am still trying to process the information I was given.



I used to consider myself super organized. Things that needed to get done were completed early and I felt in control. I'm not sure when things changed. I guess I have realized that some things were more important than others. The dust will be there tomorrow if I don't get to it today. There will always be more laundry. I will have to clean the bathroom in 2 days anyway...

I have tried to embrace every minute with Felix. I have held him in my heart LONG before he was placed in my arms. I am at a loss for words at the thought of him being taken from us. When my daughter called him "little brother" I held back the tears but hoped that someday this might come true. I know that God is bigger than my fears and that HE has Felix in the palm of His hand...right where he wants him. I know that I am just a part of a plan for this little boy. Reality is SO different from what I thought would happen. I still look at Felix in awe. As if God is trying to show me that HE can go above and beyond and provide even MORE than I could ever imagine. Who would have EVER thought that WE (a couple with 4 children) would get a call for a preemie right out of the hospital. They usually give babies to families with older or no (fewer) children. I have said earlier that if I shared some posts from my private blog you would have thought that my prayers were specifically answered from the circumstance right down to the color of his eyes. It actually blew me away to the point that I am still amazed every time I look at him and realize what I asked for. I have to keep reminding myself that I signed up for this roller coaster.



Praying that circumstances will change now

but knowing that it's out of my hands...