Breadcrumbs and surrender...

You know how in the story Hansel and Gretel they leave breadcrumbs so they know how to get home again?  Well, there have been may breadcrumbs to help me believe I'm on the right path towards fulfilling God's purpose for me on this earth.  The desire to adopt began when I was about 12.  The thought of adding a child to my family through adoption was intriguing.  The idea of a child without a mother and father to adore and lavish them with love broke my heart.  So, the seed of adoption was planted.  I never though about biological vs. adopted children. I never planned on how many boys or girls I wanted.  I just figured I'd let God take care of it and I'd just be willing. When my husband and I had out first child there was still the idea of adoption but looking back...God's plan is perfect and His timing is even better.  Fast forward 6 years into our marriage and 4 kids later...we decided to foster with hope of adoption.  We have brought many babies into this house through foster care.  We have given them stability, patience and love.  We have kissed their necks, wiped their tears and handed them back over to family members or biological parents with hopes that in the time they were with us we've made a difference in their lives. 5 years into our journey through the foster system, we were placed with a newborn boy who was considered 'pre-adoptive'.  In this system, that means no more than giving a little extra hope that this boy would be staying forever.   This was my dream...to adopt.  728 days after this boy was placed with us...he became our son.  The 728 day wait was nothing more than a roller coaster of emotions filled with tears, joys, patience and HOPE.  My eyes seem to have a permanent set of rose colored glasses affixed to them so my only prayer was "God, I want to be in YOUR will.  I want to KNOW this boy is supposed to be ours forever."  God could not have made it any more clear. 

We have enjoyed watching Sprout grow every day.  No matter how naughty he gets or how loud he whines, I STILL take nothing for granted.  This boy is my dream come true.  A dream fulfilled by God Himself!  Sprout is now 3 1/2 years old.  I have prayed for a brother for him since I found out his biological mother was expecting another baby.  She gave birth to a boy over 18 months ago and she is parenting him well enough that he has not come into care.  We prayed for God's will in that situation and he has made it clear that Sprout's bio 1/2 brother is not to be ours.  At least not right now.  In my praying I have begun to pray specifically.  I wanted either another child from birth or an 18-24 month old that Sprout can grow up with.  A pre-adoptive child so we'd at least know how the case was headed.  On Thursday, when the home finder called for a pre-adoptive baby who has been abandoned at the hospital I about freaked. 

There are MANY reasons why this phone call should not have been to MY home.  ***Considering Smiley is still here when he was supposed to leave 5 weeks ago. 
***The fact that we have already adopted and the fact that there are MANY people waiting for a pre-adoptive placement. 
***Since we have 5 children and there are people out there who are waiting and have NONE.

I could go on and on.  It still baffles me that she called MY house.  But I KNOW that it's God's way of giving me BREADCRUMBS to show me that I'm on the right path.  I have not heard whether this new baby is a boy or a girl.  I just know there was a baby in the hospital who needed a mommy and I wanted to be that mommy.  When I called the home finder for more info about this baby and to see if I could go up to the hospital and snuggle him/her I found out some discouraging news.  Baby is not at the hospital a few minutes away as we originally thought.  This baby is in a neighboring state over 3 hours away because bio mom was high when she gave birth and was told that if she went to 'this state' they wouldn't care that she was high.  She had the baby and checked herself out leaving no plan for the baby.  I don't even know if this baby has a name. 

To rewind a minute, there have been a few things that I have wanted to have for our 'next child'.  (That's faith in action right there!)  I have been looking for a specific car seat for a while now and actually had it in my hand earlier this year.  BRAND NEW and 1/3 of the normal price.  Last night someone listed the exact same car seat on an online sale site and I was actually the first to respond.  Um, THAT NEVER HAPPENS to me!! While picking up the car seat today in conversation with the seller I explained how excited I was that I finally found this car seat and that I was the first responder.  She proceeded to explain to me that she has listed this car seat MANY times before and NO ONE has ever even commented on it.  BREADCRUMB!?!?!  I told her I was expecting to bring home a new baby through foster care this week and she said that it was just waiting for me.  I agree. 

I haven't shopped AT ALL (and it's killing me) for this baby because 1) I don't know if it's a boy or girl and 2) Not sure if it's happening.  This could all be preparing our hearts for the next call.  But I have SURRENDERED MY WILL to God and I'm trusting him that HIS plans are good.  My only prayer is that while we do wait to hear about this baby that there is SOMEONE in that hospital loving on him/her and snuggling this sweet baby until his/her 'mama' can. 

Dear Sprout,

My Sweet Boy,

                  I watch you playing with your dinosaurs and Elm0, so completely unaware of how your future is being altered.  I see you sleep and know, that in your dreams, you're kicking a soccer ball or climbing the ladder to the slide.  It makes me smile to know how safe and happy you are. 

16 days ago, I watched as your biological father signed away his parental rights.  I'll never forget the sight of him sitting in the court room, handcuffed and shackled with the pen in his hand signing away any right he has to you.  He had to sign 5 copies as if sealing his decision with every new stroke of his pen.  It broke my heart that there was no one there to shake his hand or encourage him that he was doing what's best for you.  I guess after 22 months he finally realized that you wouldn't stop growing up while he finished his pris0n sentence.  I know that his love for you was real.  Even if he only spent 4 supervised hours with you since your birth, it was obvious that his desire to try to change himself was so he could be a good role model for you.  Sometimes trying isn't enough.  He told daddy and I how lucky he thought you were to have us.  He knows how very much we love you. 

This week we went back to court.  It was a very emotional day for me.  I was counting down our hours until court because I knew that if she showed up, that would mean you were closer to becoming ours...FOREVER.  But I know that for me to have my heart's deepest desire fulfilled...she would have to lose you.  The court room was very quiet...as if everyone was silently grieving with her.  I couldn't keep my eyes dry.  She sat there answering the judge's questions as to whether or not she was totally coherent.  She cried harder and harder until the judge had to ask her if she needed a break.  She said that she just wanted to 'get it over with'.  I couldn't keep the tears back.  I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her.  She signed her rights to you away...one, two, three, four, five times.  I'm sure her heart broke just a little bit more with every time she signed her name.  As soon as she was finished signing she left the court room.  The judge reminded her that she had the choice to delay the surrender and begin working the case plan again.  He also reminded her that as soon as she walked out of the court room her surrender could not be reversed.  It was a final decision.  She left. 

I was broken and relieved.  Such a bittersweet feeling.  Knowing that you were closer to being MY boy FOREVER but couldn't help but grieve for all she had lost.  I know that she tried.  She loves you but can never be the mother you need her to be.  Her efforts were fruitless...she was never even able to bond with you.  I think she always loved the THOUGHT of you but never really took the time to get to know your likes and dislikes.  She'll never know how much you love your dinosaurs and she'll never watch Elm0 with you.  She won't be there when you learn to ride a bike or tie your shoe.  She won't be there to watch you grow up.  But I will.  I promise to love you enough for me AND her.  I'll be there to help you up when you fall.  I'll be there to hug you goodnight and tell you how very loved you are.  I'll always tell you of the story of how God gave me 4 daughters that grew in my tummy and how you grew in my heart until I could hold you in my arms.  You'll know how God Himself has blessed us with you and how very special you are to me.
                                                                                      Love, Mommy


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

"God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly MORE than you could EVER ask, dream or imagine".  Ephesians 3:20

Court paperwork

Court paperwork came in the mail today.  PPG is STILL return-to-parent.  It states MULTIPLE times that bio dad has surrendered and bio mom has intentions on surrendering.  Still, it's very discouraging to see that the goal is not adoption or even c0ncurrent plann!ng.  Even 22 months later I am still surrendering MY will over to God's best for Sprout's life. 

She's gonna sign...

The agency worker caught up with mom and she said she does want to surrender her rights...

1/2 (half)

So, finally.  My sweet baby boy is HALF freed for adoption :)  Court today...I can't help but think of how his...

This week...

We are at month number 20 and I am PRAYING that we are on the home stretch.  The T*P*R paperwork should have been filed by August 22nd.  Since the judge was on vacation this week (how DARE he??)...the county workers were waiting to submit the paperwork.  Armed with a POSSIBLE surren*der of paren*tal rights (bio dad) the county worker is confident that they have 'enough' on bio mom for termination.  She said the file is pretty thick.  SO, I'm hoping this week we hear some good news and possibly get a court date scheduled to discuss the TP*R.  One can only hope...