Dear Sprout,

My Sweet Boy,

                  I watch you playing with your dinosaurs and Elm0, so completely unaware of how your future is being altered.  I see you sleep and know, that in your dreams, you're kicking a soccer ball or climbing the ladder to the slide.  It makes me smile to know how safe and happy you are. 

16 days ago, I watched as your biological father signed away his parental rights.  I'll never forget the sight of him sitting in the court room, handcuffed and shackled with the pen in his hand signing away any right he has to you.  He had to sign 5 copies as if sealing his decision with every new stroke of his pen.  It broke my heart that there was no one there to shake his hand or encourage him that he was doing what's best for you.  I guess after 22 months he finally realized that you wouldn't stop growing up while he finished his pris0n sentence.  I know that his love for you was real.  Even if he only spent 4 supervised hours with you since your birth, it was obvious that his desire to try to change himself was so he could be a good role model for you.  Sometimes trying isn't enough.  He told daddy and I how lucky he thought you were to have us.  He knows how very much we love you. 

This week we went back to court.  It was a very emotional day for me.  I was counting down our hours until court because I knew that if she showed up, that would mean you were closer to becoming ours...FOREVER.  But I know that for me to have my heart's deepest desire fulfilled...she would have to lose you.  The court room was very quiet...as if everyone was silently grieving with her.  I couldn't keep my eyes dry.  She sat there answering the judge's questions as to whether or not she was totally coherent.  She cried harder and harder until the judge had to ask her if she needed a break.  She said that she just wanted to 'get it over with'.  I couldn't keep the tears back.  I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her.  She signed her rights to you away...one, two, three, four, five times.  I'm sure her heart broke just a little bit more with every time she signed her name.  As soon as she was finished signing she left the court room.  The judge reminded her that she had the choice to delay the surrender and begin working the case plan again.  He also reminded her that as soon as she walked out of the court room her surrender could not be reversed.  It was a final decision.  She left. 

I was broken and relieved.  Such a bittersweet feeling.  Knowing that you were closer to being MY boy FOREVER but couldn't help but grieve for all she had lost.  I know that she tried.  She loves you but can never be the mother you need her to be.  Her efforts were fruitless...she was never even able to bond with you.  I think she always loved the THOUGHT of you but never really took the time to get to know your likes and dislikes.  She'll never know how much you love your dinosaurs and she'll never watch Elm0 with you.  She won't be there when you learn to ride a bike or tie your shoe.  She won't be there to watch you grow up.  But I will.  I promise to love you enough for me AND her.  I'll be there to help you up when you fall.  I'll be there to hug you goodnight and tell you how very loved you are.  I'll always tell you of the story of how God gave me 4 daughters that grew in my tummy and how you grew in my heart until I could hold you in my arms.  You'll know how God Himself has blessed us with you and how very special you are to me.
                                                                                      Love, Mommy


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

"God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly MORE than you could EVER ask, dream or imagine".  Ephesians 3:20