Lately I have been arguing with God. I know, NOT the best idea. But I HAVE to be honest. It's hard. Hard to be called to do something that requires SO much LOSS. We were hardly over the pain of saying goodbye to my sweet boy Felix when were called for Daisy. The pain was still fresh but we pressed on knowing that HIS grace is sufficient. Then Daisy left and our hearts broke once again. Almost 2 months later we were called for Arizona and his baby brother Lil' man. It is a chore...DAILY to remind myself that Christ has no hands on earth now...BUT MINE. It is my job, as a daughter of the King and follower of Christ to show these sweet baby boys and their mother, HIS love. But I am human and sometimes IT IS HARD. I struggle with my desires and I know that they are God given. I know I shouldn't worry because HE will fulfill them in HIS time and in HIS way. But I want to see it...REDEMPTION. A tangible fulfillment of ALL the loss we've suffered. In my arms...my SON. MY son. MY SON. I have laid down my desires but (humanly, and quite often) I pick them back up again and carry them as if they are MY burdens that I need to 'help' God out with. I made a decision today. I have given myself a deadline. A 'fleece' if you will. We will see these boys through their time in the system and foster (choosing VERY carefully who we allow our girls to bond with) for the next 15 months. Then we will close our home. God might completely choose to blow me away...or not. I'm ok with that. This is the last time I'll be posting about what I want...almost as a reminder that it's out of MY hands anyway. I heard this song and I just sat in awe.
It's my heart...to music.

(I typed out the words so you can read them before you hear the song.)

The crulest word
the coldest heart
the deepest wound
the endless dark
the lonely ache
the burning tears
the bitter nights
the wasted years
life breaks and falls apart
but we know
these are

places
where grace is
soon to be
so amazing
it may unfulfilled
it may be unrestored
but when anything that's shattered
is layed before the Lord
just watch and see
it will not be
unredeemed

for every choice
that led to shame
and all the love
that never came
for every vow
that someone broke
and every life
that gave up hope
we live in the shadow
of the fall
but the cross says these are all

places
where grace is
soon to be so amazing
it may be unfulfilled
it may be unrestored
but when anything that's shattered
is layed before the Lord
just watch and see
it will not be
unredeemed

places
where grace is
soon to be
so amazing
it may be unfulfilled
it may be unrestored
but you never know the miracle
the Father has in store
just watch and see
it will NOT be
UNREDEEMED

now, listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfGbcjCVDOs