I'm still waiting to hear back from the agency home finder about this baby that's due to be born next month.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.  I think it's a good thing that she gave me a month to let the thought settle in about bringing home a new baby from the hospital.  It gives me time to work through my emotions and when (IF) he goes home I will have been prepared a little more than if they called me an hour after he was born asking if I wanted to foster at all.  I called to ask the due date but haven't heard back yet.  I have spoken to a friend of mine who is also a foster parent (for a neighboring county) and she said she knows the bio mom and gave me some info on the situation from her point of view.  Only God knows what will happen and I know that this journey has been long and in my mind I think (and pray) that it's coming to an end.  Maybe THIS time we'll have the opportunity to adopt and it will be the perfect situation for us...  I trust Him...

The one thing that has kept me going on this journey is hope.  Hope...that one day God would either FILL this desire or completely take it from me.  It has been 5 LONG years and I have had the privilege of caring for these precious starfish but only until this week have I been able to see things come full circle.  Someone asked me how it is possible to love on these little ones then hand them over...  "Well", I answered, "God must think my heart is big enough to go losing pieces every now and then".  HE alone has given me this gift.  My desire to continue comes from HIM.  This week I got a call from Daisy's adoptive mom.  Daisy just turned 3 and left us in May of 2009.  She was with us for a full year and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  We still had her photo albums from the time she was with us and we were ready to give them to her.  Anyway, adoptive mom came over...AND BROUGHT DAISY!!! I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was to watch her sit and play with the toys in the living room or have her ask me how a certain toy worked.  Her voice is adorable and I was just in awe of her the whole time she was here.  I could barely look at her because I kept losing my train of thought  :)  I gave the albums to her mom and she was very grateful.  I included a baby's 1st year calendar and a scrapbook and also a cd disc of all the pics so she can print them out if she needs them when she's older.  When they left she asked her mom to carry her outside and mom said no.  I asked Daisy if I could carry her and she let me.  On our way out to the car we actually stopped on the walkway and built a little snowman.  She put leaves on his sides for arms and one on it's head for a hat.  It was amazing moment to remember forever.  When I carried her into her car seat I asked if they wanted a Graco high back booster for her to use as she gets older.  They willingly took it and thanked me.  God is sooo good.  Daisy showed no sign of remembering her time here.  I am glad she'll only remember them as her parents.  But I couldn't help but come back into the house and just stop and remember to breathe.  That moment will FOREVER be etched in my head.  It was closure. It was God showing me that HIS PLAN is perfect.  And I really DO trust Him.
Which brings us to today.  In a moment when all the kids were in school and my house was eerily quiet I called the agency home finder.  She said it was crazy that I called in that exact moment but she was actually putting MY address into her GPS to come over...she wanted to talk.  Long story short...Are we interested in adopting if Mami and Papi's case goes to adoption???  Because I honestly didn't think that the county would approach adoption this early in the case my family and I have not made a definite decision.  There is also a baby due soon.  A little boy...are we interested in fostering him?  Bio family will try to get custody.  Are we interested???  So many questions...  I know that God's timing is PERFECT.  He is faithful.  Right now I ask you to pray for clarity for our family.  MANY decisions and so many questions to answer....More updates as soon as I can  :) 

I have been writing this post in my head for about a week now.  Trying to form thoughts and break things down so I could get a better view of how this turn of events would have affected us as a family.  Like I said before...I have had the pleasure of watching MANY of our foster babies grow through pics and emails.  I keep in touch with some of the families thorough ne*twork connection*s like FB.  Well, last week Felix's family member posted something that made me question who he is with now so I sen an email and when I got my response I was stunned.  Just a refresher...Back in January of 2008 we brought a 5 pound 8 ounce baby boy home from the hospital.  He had been drug exposed and premature. His mother did come to the first few visits but since she tested positive for drugs they would not let her see him.  We went 3 months without meeting his bio mom.  I really thought that we would keep him.  His grandmother showed up out of no where and within days had won custody in court and we handed him over to her.  I had less than 24 hours to pack up my sweet baby boy and say goodbye...  Fast forward 2 years.  Since July of 09 I have been receiving pics of him and she has been updating me on his growth.  When she posted that 'he spent the night with me' I sent her an email and ask who we was with.  "Well, he was returned to his bio mother in Feb of this year.  She is doing exceptional and the kids are thriving'.  That statement took my breath away.  The first thing my husband said to me was 'So, he would have gone home anyway...'.  I have to honest.  That was THE HARDEST thing I have EVER done up to this point in my life.  Handing over this baby I thought was MINE to this stranger...  I know NOW that God protected me from hanging on to him for 27 months while his mother got her act together.  I can say it again... GOD IS FAITHFUL.  While Felix will ALWAYS be a HUGE part of this journey...I know even MORE now that God has a plan.  I still have NO CLUE what it is but I will keep watching and waiting for Him to show me what He has for me. 

New posts on the other blog :)

2 new posts...over here

It's been 5 years since we started fostering.  We have been 'empty' since January.  We've done some respite here and there.  I think we may be coming to the end of our journey.  This has been the hardest road we EVER walked.  I am so ambivalent.  Not sure if I want to just have our names pulled off 'the list'.  Or wait.  I'm not getting any younger.  My heart breaks as I think about the dreams unfulfilled.  The plans I made to walk down the street holding the hand of the boy that was to be my son.  I'm starting to think that they were all idealistic and unrealistic.  5 years.  I've seen people foster and adopt their kids.  I've seen families grow biologically...many times over.  It seems to be happening for EVERYONE else.  Maybe it's just not meant to be.  Maybe it's time to lay this all down...for good. 
Maybe it's not His will for us. 

New post over here