Poor Daisy. Today I saw first hand what Psycho Chick must have been like (pure speculation here...) those first few months that poor Daisy was living with her. When I tried to hand her over to Psycho Chick, Daisy held on to me for dear life. She screamed and put her little head into my shoulder as if to BEG me to not let her go. Psycho Chick made NO effort to console her daughter or try to ease her fear. Our caseworker is on a well deserved vacation so there was a 'fill in' today. When he finally came in to get Daisy and her 'mother' (I use the term loosely) I took off before Daisy started in again. When I went to pick her up (after the visit) the 'fill in' informed me that HE held Daisy most of the visit. If Daisy was in mom's arms...she was screaming. Mom was also trying to get Daisy to mimic her tapping on a table and was almost yelling at Daisy when she chose not to. 'Fill in' ALSO noticed that there is NO bond between Daisy and Psycho Chick. So sad. There was a look of relief on Daisy's face when she realized I was there to pick her up. On a P.S....Psycho Chick handed me 2 pictures before she left. One of Daisy's 'father' (with his shirt off...ewwww) and also a picture of some guy who is Daisy's 'friend'. The guy is like 30 something years old and looks like a (pardon my mouth...) DIRTBAG!!! What the heck is he doing being Daisy's 'friend'?!??!?! I also asked Psycho Chick if she had ANY pictures of Daisy the first 6 months of her life (for an album) and she said 'no'. Of course, what film she DID have left she took pictures of the @*^$@*! people she THOUGHT were Daisy's 'friends'. Anyway, she's home and CLEAN and safe. And once again, we're loving on our velcro baby until we have to visit 'hell' again...next week.

Still no word from the adoption worker...I am trying to be patient. I have been searching waiting child lists but there's no one available that fits our 'wish list'. I really DO NOT want to disrupt the birth order in our family. I know that when the right child comes along it will just...happen. Until then... I was kind of hoping we could just change our home study and have a child placed through DSS. That way we had a chance to meet the bio parents and get a history. When Felix was placed with us we found out more info from the Dr's and others than we did from DSS. I guess that can be both good and bad when you accept a child from a neighboring county. So much to look forward to. The girls have been asking us to keep Daisy. She is wonderful but I have to keep reminding myself that we have only so much room in the car or space in the house. I know there will always be plenty of love to go around but in this case I have to be realistic. (As you can tell this is not always easy for me) I justify some actions by convincing myself that a child's well being is at stake. Realistic??? Some of the stories that I have heard about foster care haunt me. I know I can't save them all. But I can try...right?!?!?!?

Daisy has really been showing us a bit of her wonderful personality. he is full of attitude and sweetness. Or as they say 'sugar and spice'. She is now repeating 'mama', 'dada' and 'more'. She also says 'hi' all by herself. She has a temper but is just full of smiles and giggles. My girls keep asking if we can keep her. That's a hard one. How can I possibly trade all my hopes and dreams to add a baby boy to our family? So much to think about...I hope the decision will be made for us just as it was with baby 'C'. I prayed for clarity and wisdom in that situation and hind sight...everything (now) is crystal clear. I look back and think that if we HAD kept baby 'C' and had the opportunity to adopt him and Sweet Pea came along 3 years later...we probably would NOT have been willing to take her (as his adoptive home is thrilled to be doing). I don't think it can get and more clear than that! I'm praying that the adoption worker will be able to point us down the path we need to follow...the one that will bring us to our 'forever' baby boy.

This weeks visit...a no go. Psycho Chick decided that since she saw Daisy on Wednesday at her Dr's appointment...she didn't 'need' to see her again and besides that, she wasn't feeling well. So, I got a call before 9am (who the heck is awake THAT early???!!) telling me not to make the drive to DSS. Go figure. If I only had one hour a week to see my kid... Anyway. I have not heard from the adoption worker regarding changing our home study so I'll just wait (as if I have something ELSE to do) and hope that maybe this week we'll hear what our next step is in this process.

Daisy had a Dr's appointment yesterday. I was kind of nervous to see how it would play out after mom's comments last visit. Daisy's grandma was there so was Psycho Chick (Daisy's mom). I had called the pediatric nurse ahead of time to request that Psycho Chick and I NOT be left alone during the appointment because I didn't want any allegations or problems. The nurses were wonderful! They have seen Daisy since she was born and have obviously taken a genuine interest in her case. Therefore...I felt safe. Psycho Chick and Gramma were almost appropriate. Daisy pushed BOTH of them away and held onto me for dear life. Daisy's caseworker was there but didn't come into the room. He waited with Gramma in the waiting room. More drama to come...there's a visit scheduled for tomorrow...

I also called the adoption worker yesterday to inquire on what it takes to change our homestudy so we can accommodate another child. I'll wait to hear back from her...

The saga continues...first off...Daisy had a visit today with her mom. Dad is back in jail due to a 'pushing' match he and mom had, violating the order of protection. Daisy's mom (we'll call her Psycho Chick) informed me today that bio dad doesn't like me. Well, let me go cry a river. She also had something to say about Daisy's adorable outfit. Something along the lines of "why'd ya put her in THAT? In my defense...the outfit was perfect for the weather we had today. ANYWAY, as far as I know the visit went well. Then I heard some news from a little bird that Sweet Pea has jaundice. AND that baby 'C's adoptive mom PRAISED me for encouraging bio mom to surrender her rights. I have never felt that she liked me let alone supported any decision I've ever made. Now I hear she thinks I did a wonderful job with baby 'C'. Go figure. Bio mom called me to tell me she saw BOTH her kids and was very happy. I'm happy for her. I think that if she sees how well 'C' is doing and how much they love "C' and Sweet Pea...she might surrender soon. Reality is they will most likely NOT get Sweet Pea back...surrendering now is only speeding the inevitable. I just hope things work out best for everyone...

I am not sure why but I've made some questionable decisions this past week. I know that when I get in to this 'zone' it is hard for me to see anything but what I want to see. On Wednesday morning I had to teach the VBC preschool class. It was very hard to concentrate on what I was doing because only a few blocks away Baby C's mom was giving birth to his FULL BIO sibling...a baby girl. I wanted to desperately be there but I was not sure why. I struggled with what I should do. I asked the foster care supervisor if it was ok for me to be there and she said that she couldn't tell me either way yes or no BUT if I did step in it might make it harder for CPS to step in and get the baby out of that dangerous situation. Let me explain...baby C was a shaken baby. He was taken into care at 2 months old. He was placed into OUR arms when he was 4 months old. While he was never diagnosed with "Shaken baby syndrome" I really believe that what we dealt with for those 1st few months with him was some sort of failure to thrive. He was a late walker and late talker. There were occupational, physical and speech therapists here many times per week to help him get to where he should be. The pediatric neurologist said his condition is genetic. He left us to go to his adoptive family when he was 21 months old. I know that he is thriving now. He'll be 3 this month. His bio mom and dad have outlasted many married couples in their being together for the past (almost) 10 years. Now they have Sweet Pea. A healthy, baby girl. CPS has already been involved and it's to the point where bio dad was escorted from the hospital because he was livid that his baby girl was going to be taken. Now bio mom is there alone. Knowing her baby girl is not going home with her. I'm caught between relief that Sweet Pea is safe and sadness for bio mom that she has never been given the chance to mother a child. She is simple. I'm not sure how much of a difference it would make if someone were to teach them HOW to be parents. I don't know if they have the capacity to understand how truly important it is for Sweet Pea to have a safe, stable, loving home. I know that baby C's adoptive home can give her that. She will be going home with them. I'm glad that Sweet Pea will have her big brother to grow up with. But my hearts will weeps for bio mom who had to carry Sweet Pea for 9 long months only to have her taken away. So sad...