Seriously?!?!?!? How am I expected to get anything done with this lump of cuteness around????? SOOO in LOVE! :)

Today was strange for me. Many times, when people find out that this baby is our foster son they say "you're a great person"...or "it takes someone really special to do what you're doing". I feel kind of embarrassed when I hear this. I guess it's because I don't feel special. The truth is...I feel horrible. While this experience is WONDERFUL and I am enjoying EVERY minute...there's the other part of me that wishes he was already ours. I'm not doing this to be a good person. Or because a child needed a home. Our ultimate goal is to adopt. That is what we set our to do from the beginning. Anyone who wants to get into fostering must LOVE torture. This is a very long and tedious process. So, when I hear people say 'what a great person I must be' it IS kind of hard NOT to shout back..."NO! I'm selfish! I want this baby for myself. Who cares what the mother must be feeling. It's HER decisions that put him in my house in the 1st place!" For those of you who know me, you know that I am a person who firmly believes in the power of prayer. It has been EXTREMELY hard for me to pray that his mother gets her act together. Although, I know that no matter HOW or WHAT I pray...God is bigger than all of these circumstances. I have been praying that God's will be done in this situation. I probably should be praying that his mother would have a genuine GOD experience and do a 180 and walk away from what she's been doing. Only GOD can make her whole. But like I said...my selfishness has kept me from praying that for her. Pray for her for me...and while you're at it...pray for me too! I think we could BOTH use all the prayer we can get!

Formula changes are wreaking havoc on baby boy. I feel horrible every time I hear his little belly gurgling. He is on meds for Reflux. I've never had to deal with these kinds of things so it's all new to me. He is a good eater and he's sleeping ok. But around feeding time he's very fussy. I can't imagine how much his little body has already gone through and now that he's here and safe I wish I could make him feel better. Hopefully he'll outgrow reflux. I'm not sure if an adjusted age is used for 36 week preemies. But his official due date (I think) was today. He'll be 4 weeks tomorrow.

It's only almost 2 weeks and already it's getting old. Driving all the way to the county building only to have to turn around and go home. Thank God baby is not old enough to realize what is going on. It kills me to look in his beautiful eyes and know that to her he is not important enough. Sad.

I really want to post some of my thoughts about what happened today but I think that sometimes it's dangerous to be too honest. Let's suffice it to say that it was a very bittersweet day. This baby has brought me SO much joy in the past 12 days. It's amazing how I can fall in love with this little man in such a short period of time. He eats, sleeps, cries and po*ops and TOTALLY has me wrapped around his tiny fingers. He starting to fit into preemie clothes better. I can't even explain how tiny he really is. I know that at any time this could end and I am always trying to ground myself with that sobering thought. The system is messed up and I can understand why relatives would want to get him out asap. He deserves SO much better than getting stuck in the system. I know that he's on 'loan' and I am not taking a moment for granted. This 'unknown' is what I signed up for. I have never had to trust God so much in my life. When you are fostering to adopt you have to put yourself 'out there' 100%. I feel very vulnerable and it's very scary. I don't want to have my heart broken if he leaves. If he stays I want to make sure we've bonded since day one. So I feel like either way...it's a gamble. I know that God cares about this little one even more than I do so I shouldn't be worried...easier said than done.

ok...too cute or what !?!?

COMPLETELY enjoying baby boy. He is snugly and adorable (even at 3am!!!) He is starting to recognize my voice and calm down when he hears me if he is crying! I am falling more and more in LOVE with him everyday! What a sweetie. I am still 'trying' to keep grounded by telling myself that his mom could VERY well get her act together and get him back...why wouldn't she? Has she seen him lately??? He is SO worth it! But I understand that how I think is not how she thinks. Once again...only time will tell. Enjoying EVERY moment in until...