January 16, 2008
I really want to post some of my thoughts about what happened today but I think that sometimes it's dangerous to be too honest. Let's suffice it to say that it was a very bittersweet day. This baby has brought me SO much joy in the past 12 days. It's amazing how I can fall in love with this little man in such a short period of time. He eats, sleeps, cries and po*ops and TOTALLY has me wrapped around his tiny fingers. He starting to fit into preemie clothes better. I can't even explain how tiny he really is. I know that at any time this could end and I am always trying to ground myself with that sobering thought. The system is messed up and I can understand why relatives would want to get him out asap. He deserves SO much better than getting stuck in the system. I know that he's on 'loan' and I am not taking a moment for granted. This 'unknown' is what I signed up for. I have never had to trust God so much in my life. When you are fostering to adopt you have to put yourself 'out there' 100%. I feel very vulnerable and it's very scary. I don't want to have my heart broken if he leaves. If he stays I want to make sure we've bonded since day one. So I feel like either way...it's a gamble. I know that God cares about this little one even more than I do so I shouldn't be worried...easier said than done.
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You're right - easier said than done. Part of being a mom (as you know) is doing what's in the child's best interest even if it's totally opposite from what's in your's.
Like bonding from day 1. He needs it. He will break without it.
If he leaves and you've bonded to him completely, you won't break permanently. If you haven't bonded, then he will be broken because he needs to learn to bond. Not that you're in any danger of not bonding - i can tell that already! :)
it's just such a sucky situation. I wish that people got the support they needed so they didn't get into situations where they have children and can't take care of them properly. Our society fails people so badly, and so regularly.
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