I thought of new blog names for the boys.



The oldest brother we'll call Owen. (Only because he looks like my friends son and they almost named him Owen)



The older of the 2 boys that I have we'll call Arizona. Only because it's what I've almost called him MANY times in the past 2 weeks.



The baby brother we'll call Lil' Man. Only because of the way he moves his mouth and it reminds me of a Lil Old Man. :)



Ok, so there you have it. Owen (4), Arizona (2 1/2) and Lil' Man (1 1/2).

I woke up this morning and my 1st thoughts were "God, please give me YOUR grace to just get through today. That's all I ask...one more day.". Yesterday was a hard day. My husband seems to think it's because of the update on Felix and that my emotions are getting the better of me. Almost like what we missed out on. It could be. But like I said before...I feel inadequately trained to deal with the emotional problems that Arizona and Lil' Man have. I keep saying it seems as if they have been emotionally starved. I don't know how else to put it. If Arizona is on my lap , Lil' Man tries to climb up and bite Arizona. If Lil' Man makes it onto my lap...Arizona kicks him in the face or tries to push him off me. There are many bruises on my body from trying to referee their fights. While I DO see progress everyday, I still cannot put them in a shopping cart, strap them in a stroller or car seat or take them anywhere if they'll have to sit for longer than 3 minutes. We have had to choose church according to which nursery can accommodate them through out the WHOLE service because there is NO way they will be able to sit through worship without running through the church. I am so thankful that the church we recently started attending has accepted these boys and is willing to work with me in best helping them. Another thing that has been hard for is seeing my girls suffering. It is their summer and we have been unable to go anywhere because I cannot put the boys in a stroller. Like I said, everyday has been getting better but we are not yet at the point to which I can take the kids to Si*x Fl*ags because the boys won't sit in a stroller. I can't even go to the grocery store because Arizona won't sit in the cart without screaming his head off. I really should wear a shirt that says "Please don't judge me...I'm a foster parent". I can tell from their behavior that Arizona and Lil' Man have not done alot of what we consider normal in our day to day life. I spoke to their caseworker earlier today and asked if there was any way I could get a 2 day a week reprieve and put them in daycare. I was told that since I'm a stay at home mom the chances of the commissioner approving this is unlikely. He said they're trying to keep costs down. I told the caseworker to give the commissioner my phone number. If we are going to keep the boys here I will need that break. Our only other option is to have the boys moved to another home. My desire for these boys is to see their hearts healed and watch them grow up to be secure little men of God. I know this has been a time of adjustment but maybe this is God's way making me aware of my limitations. I want to give them the stability and love they need and deserve but I cannot do that without a support system. It gets me a bit angry that Soci*al * Servi*ces would rather move the boys to another home where they KNOW they'll wind up in daycare ANYWAY. I guess it really IS about the almighty dollar. Reality is, I'm not sure how much longer they'll be in care. It could be a week, or 6 months. I'm, of course, basing my decision on how I feel right now. If it were September and the girls were in school, I think the adjustment would have been easier. As a Christian, I can't imagine these boys going to a home where they would be more loved on then they are here. But I think these boys need much more than just love...Or maybe it's juts more than I can give them...