Lil' Man (needs a haircut!)

Teeth that made the marks below

Marks on Lil' Man's arm from his brother's mouth!

I spoke to one of the caseworkers yesterday. I was informed that Owen was moved from his 'therapeutic' foster home to another home through the 'therapeutic' agency. My heart is breaking for this little boy. He has been removed from his brothers for the past 2 weeks and now been through 2 foster homes. Um, yeah...he's 4!!!!!!! My first impression of him was from the foster home who had him for 30 hours and couldn't handle him. I thought he was a hyper, violent child. Now I feel horrible because I have spent time with him and I know that he's just a 'lost' child who had no stability or love. When I see him, I see a baby who just needs a mother. This whole system is really getting to me. It's a business. Fill beds...send out checks. It's killing me. I am trying SO hard not to give up. I feel that no matter WHAT I do, it will NEVER be enough. Eventually, they will most likely be sending these boys home. Their mother has a caseplan to work but she can still get her act together. I think these boys need each other if they're going to thrive. I have really been struggling with the question of if I can do this. Day to day life has changed here...drastically. I have never been one to 'stay home' and Arizona and Lil' Man have really demanded my attention 24/7. Not to say that any toddler wouldn't but these boys specifically...I can't leave them alone for a second. Arizona thinks nothing of biting Lil' Man if no one's looking. They are very physical with each other (and others) if they don't get their way. It's not so easy to just strap them into the stroller and go out. I can't begin to tell you about the looks that I get from other people regarding their behavior. I stay home as much as possible. I think they feel safe here because we are consistent with 'feeding times' and routine. Being out is not that easy. They can't anticipate what will happen next. If we're at the park (or some place like that) I think it's way too overwhelming for them because they just break down. Too many decisions to make. Like I've said before I am not sure what constitutes a therapeutic foster home but I think I've come pretty close. I've been working on consistency in discipline (time out) and making Arizona use his words instead of throwing a tantrum. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have been living daily life in the grace of God. I am so thankful for your prayers. I feel them. I have been praying for peace and patience and so far so good. But I am not sure how long I can do this. Again, the selfish thought comes to mind that when this 'walk on the beach' is over...I will most likely end up empty handed and broken hearted...again. I really think that is what is hitting my family the hardest this time. And yet, I know that this is where we are called to be. It would be so much easier to just close our home and domestically adopt. I don't have the peace to do that right now. God would have to work some mighty miracles.

I have put in a request for daycare for the boys 2 days a week. Since I am a stay at home mom...I am NOT ALLOWED to have this luxury. The state will not pay for daycare services or reimburse me for services paid for. I have put a call into the director letting him know the situation and he repeated what the caseworker told me. D*S*S will not reimburse daycare expenses for a stay at home mom. I told him I NEED to either get daycare services 2 days a week (4 hours a day) or move the boys. He offered to put them in a respite home 2 days a month. I really think that the boys would regress if they had to sleep somewhere else. 2 (48) hour periods will not give me what I need AND it WILL delay the progress that they will make. The director told me "Oh, they'd adjust. After a while it will be like visiting friends". Whatever. I know the break would be good for our family but it seems that D*S*S has no desire to take responsibility for the children placed in our care. I have been told that these boys are 'normal' for what they've been through. Now you know what I mean when I say "It's a business." I have never met a 2 year old with baggage like this. I hope to hear back from the director on Monday. I have called 2 local daycare centers and they are willing to work with me in best helping the boys. In the mean time, please keep Owen in your prayers. I'm sure he is so confused. I have put in a request to have him here for a few hours once a week. I have been told that he was placed in a house with a swing set and a trampoline and the people are very nurturing.
(Let's hope so...)