Have you ever looked back on your life and realized where certain chapters started and others ended? I usually call them 'seasons'. Like the time I was hanging out with some friends...carefree. The only decision I had to make was what clothes I would put on that morning. Fast forward a few years. Times change. How about the time...hmmm, I was leading the children's choir at church and found out I was pregnant. Not married, living at home, 21 and pregnant. The biggest decision then was "do I get married or...not?!". Big decision!...HUGE! I was a single mother for 20 months...then marriage came. It was only 2 years later that the biggest decisions were what bills to pay. Life sure wasn't easy but we were together...that was all that mattered. 3 years later the decision that kept us BOTH awake at night was do we move to be closer to his job or stay and let him commute. We moved. Different chapters. It makes sense when you look back and try to understand why you had to endure the pain. Something had to happen for you to grow. Seasons.
Even now as I look back and can identify certain beginnings and ends...I realize one thing. While you're going through it you rarely take the time to embrace the situation. I went into 'survival mode'. Doing enough to make sure I could get through the day. I never thought ahead or about how my decisions would impact others. I just made it through the day and looked forward to tomorrow...where hopefully the rain would be gone, the sun would be shining and the fears I had yesterday would be gone. Right now, a HUGE chapter of our life is coming to an end. I don't know if I'm embracing it the way I should be or if I'm learning all I should...but I know it hurts like hell. With my sweet Daisy leaving very soon I've been trying to embrace the decision that I've made. No matter how I look at it I still don't think I'm strong enough to let her go. It's killing me to know she won't be sleeping down the hall. There will be an empty space at the table where her high chair should be. Her giggles will still be loud...but in someone else's house. Her smile will still outshine the sun...but only for someone else. A chapter is coming to an end but the harder I try to embrace it...the more the tears come...
And I really don't like to cry.
2 comments:
:(
So sorry you have to go through this but I'm thankful you do what you do for these precious babies!! Blessings on you!!
You know, though? You made a decision and you're sticking with it. We did respite care for a little girl for over 2 years. Nearly every weekend, every holiday, often weeks at a time. 2 years the fosters were adamant that they weren't interested in adopting her, and they were backing us with the caseworkers, so we were providing care for free. Then, at the last minute, they changed their minds. After 2 years.
Because of the conflict of interest between us and them, she was placed out of State with strangers. We cried ourselves to sleep for weeks. Especially my sons who were 4 and 3 at the time. She was 3, as well. We deeply miss her still and are still wrestling with deep animosity toward the foster family.
And we only take boys. Because no other girl will ever be as good as Rayna. I could never love any girl as much as I loved her, and that just wouldn't be fair.
So, you see, you need to hear another perspective on this. You're following through even though it's tearing you up. That's true unselfishness and God will honor it.
I, for one, thank you.
So will her new Mom and Dad.
Hang in there, K?
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