I have been writing this post in my head for about a week now.  Trying to form thoughts and break things down so I could get a better view of how this turn of events would have affected us as a family.  Like I said before...I have had the pleasure of watching MANY of our foster babies grow through pics and emails.  I keep in touch with some of the families thorough ne*twork connection*s like FB.  Well, last week Felix's family member posted something that made me question who he is with now so I sen an email and when I got my response I was stunned.  Just a refresher...Back in January of 2008 we brought a 5 pound 8 ounce baby boy home from the hospital.  He had been drug exposed and premature. His mother did come to the first few visits but since she tested positive for drugs they would not let her see him.  We went 3 months without meeting his bio mom.  I really thought that we would keep him.  His grandmother showed up out of no where and within days had won custody in court and we handed him over to her.  I had less than 24 hours to pack up my sweet baby boy and say goodbye...  Fast forward 2 years.  Since July of 09 I have been receiving pics of him and she has been updating me on his growth.  When she posted that 'he spent the night with me' I sent her an email and ask who we was with.  "Well, he was returned to his bio mother in Feb of this year.  She is doing exceptional and the kids are thriving'.  That statement took my breath away.  The first thing my husband said to me was 'So, he would have gone home anyway...'.  I have to honest.  That was THE HARDEST thing I have EVER done up to this point in my life.  Handing over this baby I thought was MINE to this stranger...  I know NOW that God protected me from hanging on to him for 27 months while his mother got her act together.  I can say it again... GOD IS FAITHFUL.  While Felix will ALWAYS be a HUGE part of this journey...I know even MORE now that God has a plan.  I still have NO CLUE what it is but I will keep watching and waiting for Him to show me what He has for me. 

New posts on the other blog :)

2 new posts...over here

It's been 5 years since we started fostering.  We have been 'empty' since January.  We've done some respite here and there.  I think we may be coming to the end of our journey.  This has been the hardest road we EVER walked.  I am so ambivalent.  Not sure if I want to just have our names pulled off 'the list'.  Or wait.  I'm not getting any younger.  My heart breaks as I think about the dreams unfulfilled.  The plans I made to walk down the street holding the hand of the boy that was to be my son.  I'm starting to think that they were all idealistic and unrealistic.  5 years.  I've seen people foster and adopt their kids.  I've seen families grow biologically...many times over.  It seems to be happening for EVERYONE else.  Maybe it's just not meant to be.  Maybe it's time to lay this all down...for good. 
Maybe it's not His will for us. 

New post over here

Well, the boys have been here since Friday afternoon.  The first hour was ok.  Arizona didn't seem to remember me and Lil' Man really could care less who I was he was just happy to go along.  I posted the whole story on the other blog. The boys leave tomorrow.  I can't say that I'm sad to see them go.  Here's a qucik timeline to catch you up...

July 4th, 2009: Boys enter care
                      Owen and Arizona go to one foster home while Lil' Man goes to another.
July 5th, 2009: Owen is moved from that foster home due to violence on foster mom's son.
July 6th, 2009: Arizona and Lil' Man come to live with us.
August    2009: Owen is moved from foster home to ANOTHER home due to foster parents
                       financial situation.
August    2009: visits start with bio mom
January  2010: We request boys to be moved to another foster home due to violence.
April      2010: ALL boys back home with bio mom (ON TRIAL)
May       2010: (just a mere 3 weeks later) Boys BACK into care.  Boys are placed together 2
                      county's away.
July       2010: Boys are moved back to our county into current foster home. 

The boys were 4, 2 and 1 when they entered care last year.  They are now almost 6, 4 and 3.  Arizona is an angry little man (who they now medicate).  They desperately need 'permanency' to begin to heal and start their life instead of having to worry about visits and their 'foster parents'.  Arizona loves to cuddle and hug and he is so sweet but his attitude can change at the drop of a dime.  It's all very scary to me.  Lil' Man is still a shaggy little man (his mom won't let anyone cut his hair till he's 3...that will be REALLY soon!!!)  And although he throws tantrums...he still seems 'pliable' and workable.  Like, it's NOT too late for him.  I have never seen a child like Arizona.  I cannot even speak to him while he's screaming.  I have to wait for his 'episode' to be over and after he 'comes to' he will look at me.  He also is a 'spite' pee-er.  Yesterday, I left him home with my hubby to run 2 quick errands.  Arizona asked to come...I said no (because he had just thrown a HUGE tantrum over not being allowed to have a 3rd cup of juice) and he hit my dog.  So, I explained that 'good listeners get good things and bad listeners get NOTHING'.  And I left.  He stood there and peed.  Hubby was NOT happy.  It feels like they have been here for a week!  There are many other things I can tell you but I should say nothing more than PLEASE PRAY!  I do not think that bio mom can parent these children AT ALL.  I know our job as foster parents are to work with the bios and help them (and all that) but, frankly,  I am a realist.  I know it will most likely come down to adoption for these boys and it's so sad.  They have a HUGE extended family NONE of whom stepped up to take the boys. 
More soon... 
Check over here.

Ok, so, ya ready for some news?  I've definitely been holding out on you!  Guess who's coming back???  Ok, ok, I'll tell you.  Arizona and Lil' Man are coming for the weekend.  I was called last week and asked to do respite and I said yes.  For a few reasons...  One, to see how they are.  Two, so the OTHER people in my house can see how they are.  Three, curiosity.  To be honest I am looking forward to spending the weekend with them and handing them BACK over to the new foster*mom.  This should be interesting...more soon :)