I have to be honest...I've really been having a hard time lately. I'm struggling with the question of if I'm where I should be in this journey. Sometimes I feel like my heart is not here anymore. Part of me is giving up. I'm trying hard to believe that God will really redeem all that we have lost. I still think of my 'almost baby boy' Felix every day. I can only hope that God would see fit to send us another sweet baby but what if He doesn't?? Does this mean that this journey has been in vain? My desire for a son to complete our family has effected EVERY aspect of my life. I wake up each morning with a renewed hope that 'today's the day'. Each day that passes I break a little bit more. I feel obsessive over a situation in which I have absolutely NO control. When we started this journey we decided to let God decide who HE wanted in this home. Our starfish have been loved and cherished while they were here. Now THEY are all safe and WE are still here...empty. I know God knows my desires. I surrender them to Him daily but I constantly find myself reminding Him of what (I think) I need. I am having a hard time seeing through the storm. I'm in the valley waiting... How long can I wait without giving up all hope? Maybe I've done what I was called to do and our time with 'the system' is done. While I wait for direction...I STILL pray to the God who, I believe, gave me this desire. I pray that if our baby is out there...he finds his way home...into our arms.

My heart...an organ.
My mind...an endless abyss of hopes and dreams for a boy I have yet to meet.
There are so many things I want to do with you.
Praying that God sees us ready...soon. Ready to start our forever.